India is a tough country. A wise man once said – If you can drive in India, you can drive anywhere in the world. From the unfinished roads in mountain passes to the under river invisible pebbly roads to dirt tracks in villages to the pot holed road-ish structures in every city to the dizzying video game roads in Delhi, India provides a plethora of experiences to the ASIRW. It’s not for the faint hearted. But these natural and man-made creations aren’t the only invincible barriers to become a legendary ASIRW. The real enemy is the one who is your fellow warrior. He is the one you should be afraid of. He is your real test.
Many have died triumphing the impossible. Sometimes by a bullet wound in the head, sometimes by being crushed to pieces, sometimes by knife wounds and sometimes by a rain of maa-behen expletives. Although this does not stop those who are spared alive by a lucky turn of fate to turn around and splash others with what had dragged them into depression in the first place, but then this is what the game is all about. You cannot stop fighting. As Gabbar said – Jo darr gaya samjho mar gaya.
Newbie ASIRW are clumsy at times and hence India amounts to more than 1,00,000 road accident deaths annually. And now the time has arrived to give the ASIRWs a rest. Too many have perished in the fires of their own foolishness. Hence, the Indian government approached our corporation to provide them some radical ideas to control the ASIRW. Here are a few gadgets we have proposed and which are ready to go in mass production to help the ASIRW follow traffic rules which they find too Manmohan-ish to take seriously. Of course, the Indian Traffic police can install a combination of these brilliant machines but if they are happy with the ongoing self population control, they can give it a skip.
1. The Jolt Inducer wires(codename – Come to Papa)
This device comes in the form if a thin wire that can charge itself by cow dung and dust which are easily available on Indian roads. The wire is installed on a yellow line in the middle of the road which separates the traffic flow and also acts as a divider. The moment a car steps on the wire (many ASIRW tend to do this as they are divider blind) while over-taking or during jams, it discharges an electric current which can travel to the warrior’s body via the tyres of his vehicle. This can make him dizzy to the point of making him throw up. This will stop a majority of ASIRW from jumping in the wrong lanes.
2. The drag and drop Robotic arms(codename – Get the fu*k back in your lane)
These state of the art robotic arms are installed on cemented dividers in the middle of the road. They are very sleek and don’t take much space. They are fitted with sensors and cameras and move on a single rail track on the divider. As soon as they sense a vehicle which is not in the correct lane or going in the opposite lane, they pick it up and place it back at the end of the current line of vehicles in its appropriate lane. You can also program it to pick up the vehicle and keep it hanging in air for a predefined time before throwing it back in the correct lane. Turning the vehicle upside down while it hangs in the air is optional. It can also be used to pick up cows from the road.
3. The laser cutters (Codename – Red Queen(after the Resident Evil Supercomputer))
Traffic signals can be fitted with these extremely sophisticated laser cutters. A single laser light will appear on the road (approximately 0.5 foot above the ground and behind the pedestrian crossing) the moment light turns red. Any ASIRW trying to cross it will end up with tyres neatly cut in half. This will ensure mayhem for a couple of days but soon the terror will not let anyone jump a signal. You can adjust the height of the laser from the ground but we strictly suggest that it remains below the legs of the ASIRW.
4. Celebrity Signals (codename – Take a Munni break)
Traffic signals will be replaced by images of celebrities asking people to stop and go. This will be achieved by harmless vertical laser show images that will cover the crossing like a big movie screen. For example, A red signal will be replaced by Katrina performing “Chikni Chameli” or Vidya Balan performing “Nakka Mukka” while the green signal will be replaced by Manmohan Singh giving the Independence Day speech. Yellow will be replaced by Meira Kumar’s laser video of her famous “Shaant ho jaiye” monologue in Lok Sabha.
5. Weapon snatcher magnets (codename – Magneto)
We do not expect hardened ASIRW to completely let go of their valour and courage and not use weapons like country made pistols, acid and knives to fight road wars. For such scenarios, we have the weapon magnets which will activate as soon as they sense rage above the critical limit of 200 TMK (Teri Ma Ki) which will be calculated by a secret mathematical formula specially designed for ASIRWs which takes into account components like blood pressure, swear word usage, eye widening capabilities, level of frothing, reddening of face etc. Once the critical limit is reached, the magnets will immediately snatch away any weapon produced by the warrior and teleport it to the nearest junk yard.
6. Begging hover and money collection system (codename – Begging Angels)
A study has revealed that ASIRWs have a soft corner for beggars and they love to do some charity but beggars do pose a threat to life as they surf the maze at the traffic intersection. Hence they will be provided with the hover system where they will float around the cars like “Betal” and as soon as Manmohan Singh start’s his speech their distance from ground will increase automatically so that the vehicles can move smoothly. To avoid ASIRWs from fumbling to extract change from their pockets, we will be introducing single swipe signature-less credit cards system.
7. Magnetic wheels for manual vehicles (codename – Rickshaws will fly)
Cycles and rickshaws make ASIRWs very angry. To solve this problem, we will be providing magnetic wheels for such vehicles which can be activated by the touch of a button. This will attach the cycle/rickshaw to the nearest vehicle and it can travel with the same speed as that of the vehicle. Detaching it from the high-speed vehicle can again be a one touch operation. This will also reduce honking.
8. Alcohol detection Automatic Car Shutdown Chip (Codename – Dumb ass is Drunk)
A recent study has revealed that Indians Luuuuuve to drink and drive. They love hitting a speed of 120km/hr especially when everything ahead of them is blurred. Enter our automated car shutdown chip. The chip detects alcohol fumes in the car and instantly produces an electric spark the moment car keys are inserted in the slot. This not only gives the drunk jerk a jerk but does not allow him to start the car. We are in discussion with the Indian Government to make this chip mandatory in all the cars. It goes without saying that this will not be applicable to all the government vehicles.
9. Honk Slap (code name – Arnold)
To reduce noise pollution level on Indian roads, we have designed a microprocessor which includes various permutations and combinations allowed for honking in sensible nations. This microprocessor can be fitted in all cars and will assess the situation under which a driver honks. If no match is found, a robotic hand will appear from the dashboard and slap the driver. So, if you see every driver battered and bruised on the road, don’t be alarmed.
We sincerely hope that the introduction of these various equipments will smooth traffic flow on the roads of India. Of course, we cannot change the mindset of the ASIRWs, but we can always install a sense of terror by using lasers, robotic arms, slaps etc. There are a few problems like potholes, divider-less roads, lack of amenities for pedestrians, salivating for bribes traffic police etc but we have made clear to the Indian government that WE CAN”T FUC*ING SOLVE ALL THEIR PROBLEMS!
Hope you will enjoy driving with our new gadgets
ASIRWCS ( ASIRW Control Squad)