Are you a Hindu? Yes.
Do you like cows? Yes, but not in the middle of roads fanning their tails and making dung pyramids.
Do you like dead cows? Depends. If I am hanging from one of her enormous horns and someone shoots her, then yes.
Do you like to eat dead cows? Yeah sure.
My first problem is with the vegetarians. Why do they look down upon us poor non-vegetarians as if we are illegal immigrants? We like to eat animals, they like to eat plants. Both live and die. Both are created by God. Looking down upon us will not make us weak. We have tasted flesh. You must know that we will never give up enjoying a lamb to put your degrading looks to rest. You must know that your sinister remarks are bland compared to a juicy chicken leg. Your fear-the-god histrionics are insipid in front of the taste of the fish melting in our mouth. Don’t you know that the Earth is losing its green cover because of idiots like you? You are killing the very species which keeps you alive. One less plant is one less unit of oxygen produced. Doesn’t your heart bleed when a farmer uproots a plant from the Earth to fill your greedy stomach? You are killing the planet, veggie. So, don’t blame us. We are just trying to maintain the balance which you have disturbed by mindlessly butchering the plants.
My second problem is with Religious people. I like eating animals and so do a zillion inhabitants of this planet and I do not like someone mixing religion in my food. It has a very bitter taste and makes me spit my food. Yes, I have eaten a lot of species like hens, goats, pigs, fish, prawns, turkey, crabs, ducks, rabbits and cows. Now you object to my eating cows. What about the other animals? Don’t you think they will feel terribly left out by your racist behavior? Do we really need to have the reservation system in animals also? Prawns cannot take out a procession but if they could, they would have filled the intricate clockwork at Jantar Mantar in no time. Delhi would have been brimming with prawns demanding an explanation of the communal divide you have created. Goats would have sat outside the President’s palace in millions to demand an explanation as to why the cows are allowed to snort at them? What makes you think that a fish is less capable and noteworthy than a cow? Do you think God bestowed special privileges on a cow? Did God come and whisper that in your poking-ly overzealous religious ears?
My third problem is with people who are vegetarian and religious. Frankly guys, you are the ones who whine the most. I can’t handle you, just like I can’t handle Splitsvilla, Rakhi Sawant and Dolly Bindra. Yes, you are that unbearable. All I can say to you is that I don’t care what you eat and expect the same from you. For all I care, you can go and eat a leather jacket. Oh wait! Isn’t that non vegetarian? Is it all right for you to wear a dead animal in the name of fashion?
My fourth problem is with anti-beef non vegetarians. Dude! Are we not supposed to be in the same gang, something like the blood sucking vampires against humans? Are we not supposed to stick together? Believe me, if tomorrow you develop a taste for whale brain, I will not cringe my nose at you. Its your mouth and it’s not my whale. I expect a similar behaviour from you when I mention the B word. And what’s all this no-non-vegetarian-on-Tuesdays-because-Gods-will-get-angry thing? You really believe in that shit? If this is true then I don’t know about you but Gods must be crazy.
I request all the vegetarian, religious, vegetably religious and anti-beef non vegetarians(ABNV) to back off. I care two hoots about your religious sentiments or what you eat. I cannot care about the sentiments of people who have blood of plants and humans on their hands (does not apply to ABNV), who care more about a cow than an accident victim lying helplessly on a road and bleeding to death. Please show more enthusiasm to help humans than cows. Also, I do not appreciate people who make faces as they disapprovingly sniff my plate filled with fleshy food. If you do not like what I eat, close your eyes and stop breathing. Stop choking me with your religious rope made of dead plants.