The Contestants

In a special Disasterchef India episode last week, Amitabh Bachpan was asked to host the show because he was still a hot dish after 70 years of existence. He graciously accepted because Abhishek is completely out of work and Aishwarya is busy burping the baby.

“Swagat! Swagat! Swagat! To all of you in this special episode of Kaun Banega Crore….”

“Cut!!!!!”

“Oh Sorry! Senile decay! Swagat! Swagat! Swagat! To all of you in this special episode of Disasterchef India. All the contestants must be really happy to be in the top 10. Today, you have to make something special. All of you have to create a single dish as a team. As they say, too many cooks spoil the broth, but you have to prove this wrong. Please welcome our guest, the chef of chefs, the lady who has swirled expensive dishes one after another, the one and only, Sonia Gobhi!”

At this point, one of the contestants, Robert Vadapav, started jumping with joy and clapped his hands like a little girl who has just located an ice-candy man. The shooting stopped and everyone stared at him, including another contestant Rahul Gobhi, whom everyone suspected, was related to Sonia Gobhi.

“Jija G, stop clapping. Everyone is staring,” he said in Robert’s ear.

I wish I had a wire cutter right now. I would have given this Robert a nice switch on the butt,” Arvind Kajuwala, another contestant muttered under his breath.

“Calm down! Calm down! Sonia G, can you please let us know what the dish is all about?”

“Ahhh! Surrrrre. It is my interrrrrrrprrrrrretation of a Khichdi in an Italian style. I call it – the Tagliatelle Khichdi of India.” At this point Sonia removed the cover of the dish to show her masterpiece.

“Oh sweet Jesus!” contestant Batata Ramdev gasped.

“She would not have cooked such a horrible looking dish if she would have been married at the age of 16,” Om Paneer Chautala, the fifth contestant remarked.

“Oye! Stop your Khapsense!” Robert roared. He got so angry that he was up on the table and tore off his shirt showing his eight pack abs. A bundle of 1000 Rs notes fell off his stomach and landed in the Tagliatelle Khichdi of India.

“Oopsie!” he said.

The government is working towards punishing bribery in the private sector. This act will come under that,” Manmohan Soup, contestant number six said.

“He was not bribing anyone! And you are not supposed to speak until ordered!” Rahul Gobhi barked.

“OK!!! Tasting time! Contestants please taste the dish. Then you will have 15 minutes to discuss about dividing responsibilities and then all ten of you will have to create only a single potion of the dish. You will be marked on your teamwork,” Mr. Bachpan said.

Everyone jumped on the Tagliatelle Khichdi of India like starving villagers and then ended up running in random directions and spitting out the dish all over the set.

Can I go to the temple toilet? I think I am going to throw up,” JaiRajma Ramesh, contestant number seven said.

“The Tagliatelle is too long. We should cut it with a wire cutter and I have proof that this Robert brought this money to bribe the producers of this show,” Arvind Kajuwala said.

Mindless negativity over corruption cannot stop corruption,” Manmohan Soup said. Rahul rolled his eye and pressed a button behind his neck. Soup went still.

“I knew that! I knew that! He is a robot! He is a robot!” Narendra Malai, contestant number eight, jumped with joy and switched on the button. Rahul glared at him.

After spitting the dish, Batata Ramdev immediately started Kapaalbhati to cleanse himself.

“Your 15 minutes start now!” Amitabh Bachpan said as things went out of control.

Virat Kulfi and Mamta Bhurji, contestant number nine and ten, who have been mute spectators earlier were in a very bad state after tasting the dish. Virat was about to sue the producers for delaying his 1.5 crores for his appearance on the show and food poisoning. Mamta Bhurji hollered about not supporting the dish.

As the fifteen minutes allocated for discussions passed, the chaos grew.

“I will not boil Tagliatelle!!” Virat Kulfi said.

“He is a robot! He is a robot!” Narendra Malai shrieked.

“Jija G, is this salt?” Rahul Gobhi inquired.

“Ask mommy,” Manmohan Soup suggested.

“While doing Anulom Vilom, you have to suck it like this,” Batata Ramdev taught.

“It?” Mamta Bhurji asked mischievously.

“Air!!! Suck air!!!” JaiRajma Ramesh explained with a shocked expression.

She should have been married at 16 as well,” Om Paneer Chautala exclaimed looking at Mamta Bhurji.

Khap-ist!” she shrieked.

“You will boil the Tagliatelle!” Robert Vadapav bellowed, pointing a finger at Arvind Kajuwala.

“I will cut your nose with a wire cutter!” Arvind Kajuwala bellowed back.

“He is a robot! He is a robot!” Narendra Malai shrieked again and switched Manmohan Soup on and off.

By the time the 15 minutes were over, the Tagliatelle Khichdi of India was flying in the air, landing on contestants amidst punches, ripping clothes and hair pulling activities. Virat Kulfi was bleeding blue.

“I have never seen so much unprofessionalism!!!” Amitabh Bachpan said as he walked out.

Sonia Gobhi followed him but not before hiding the bundle of 1000 Rs notes dripped in her dish under her sari and waving at the fighting contestants with a bright smile.

The episode was never aired.