Read the first two post in the series here –

The Horny Indian

The Sentimental Indian

Delusions are like silicon implanted breasts. The problem with artificially enlarging your non-existing asset is that even though the perfectness will make you feel good about yourself, everyone you meet will have one look at your breasts and would instantly know that you have been physically photoshopped. And add to it the constant realization that will hammer your conscience; that will whisper in your ears, reminding you that they are not real, that it is only a delusion to keep yourself thrilled.

Indians love to marinate themselves in multiple layers of delusions. It’s almost as if we are afraid of reality, as if we have to cover ourselves in a thousand drapes so that we are unable to breathe in the crudity around us. Here are a few glorious examples.

Parliament is supreme

This sentence came when a single, old man got up and said – Enough! It did not come when CWG or 2G scams happened. The parliament did not get up and flaunt its supremacy to punish the culprits and bring all the stolen money back. It did that by forcing the old man into a jail. What good is the delusion of supremacy when the spell does not work on the people you rule, when they look at you with disdain? The fact that the parliament has to remind people that it is supreme says a lot, doesn’t it?

Sita-ness of Women

The fact that the High Court judge was still in the delusion that this is Satyug was emphasised when he asked all married women to behave like Sita and all men to behave like Duryodhana. Ok, he didn’t say the last bit. Somehow I am sure that if Sita was doing a job and was earning more than Ram and was born in Kalyug and was asked to leave everything to follow him, she would have shown him the middle finger.

See that is the problem with delusions. You even forget what century it is.

All saintly, all white

All Politicians are Mother Teresa, doctors have ever broken the three oaths, KHAPS are there to help villagers in rainwater harvesting, lawyers never help the criminals to go scott free, police will froth at your plight and vow to avenge you. In India, every professional believes in the delusional purity of its community. It’s basically similar to denying your breast implants even when someone gets hold of a copy of the video of your implant operation. It’s morphed – you tell him. 

Rape culture in Kamasutra land

Anything western invites rape – A woman wearing jeans, a woman in a pub, a one year old sleeping peacefully in her bed, a ninety year old granny, a coma patient, a woman in Burkha. Although I am not sure what is western in the last four situations but I am sure our delusional and deranged rapists and their supporters can come up with a theory. Also, I am not sure wearing jeans and being in pub in the land of Kamasutra should invite rape. Don’t we have nude men and women depicted copulating on temple walls and caves in India? When we were decorating those caves with sexual positions, Western civilization was probably sucking its thumb and shitting in its diaper. Western civilization must be baffled by this ingenious idea of blaming them to cover up the holes in our own victim blaming culture.

Implants Indian shining

Somehow the shine is not reaching the common man, who it seems, is like a shoe polish. Our great nation uses this shoe polish to shine our country’s growth rate but in the end, the shoe polish is neglected, throw somewhere in a corner. Of course, we get to see those India Shining adverts where thrilled-to-bits white men visit our great nation and sit on elephants and run on garbage filled beaches, but then you have to create some delusions to make the shoe polish common man feel good about himself.

India is also shining in the Swiss Banks. Imagine 12,740 crores of black money raining on the Swiss prostitutes banks while more than one-third of the shoe polish population is below poverty line.

Gods loves gold

Shirdi Sai Baba was a fakir. Now imagine if he descends in one of his swanky temples and see himself sitting on a golden throne and wearing a  gold-plated crown, he will be too shocked to speak for a month. If we ever carry out a survey of the top ten acts of human stupidity in recent times, the delusion of burying our gods in gold for our better life will win hands down. In the act of appeasing God, we Indians delusively take him for a human. What better insult?

Bollywood – Making you dumb since 1912

Escapist cinema is another form of delusion. It turns Indians obtuse in the name of entertaining them. Such movies not only enthrall us, they also make money and make us dumb enough in the process to lap up incredibly crappy one-liners, buffoonery and naked long legs. But we deserve the breast implants movies we get. They represent a delusion we would like ourselves to be lost in, far away from the maddening realities of life. Its the least an shoe polish Indian can ask for.

Accidents happen only to others

The delusion that Gods will save them (as we pour so much money and gold on them) lead Indians to believe that nothing will happen to them. Despite the fact that 5 lakh road accidents happen in India every year and more than 1.25 lakh people are killed, the faith Indians show in their driving skills equals that of Spartans in their battle skills. Delusional Indians treat roads as battle grounds. The only thing missing is a few missile launchers.

Delusion is a drug which should be taken in very small doses so that the reality is always at the horizon. Indians, seem to have taken an overdose and are now disgustingly delirious in La La Land. Lets hope that the rabbit hole does not end in a dead end.