arnabgoswami

Arnab looks at the camera and gives a triumphant smile. He feels like the king of the world. 

Arnab: Ladies and gentlemen! This is a Times Wow exclusive. Nowhere in this world, and I repeat, NOWHERE IN THIS WORLD, have you seen a debate of such a scale. Today we will talk to Gods of three religions. Yes, you heard it right ladies and gentlemen. * A pause and he stares at the screen for 3 seconds* You heard it right. Let’s call them God A, B and C. We will not be disclosing the religion they represent, neither will we be disclosing their faces. Please welcome the three Gods.

Three blank screens appear next to Arnab with God A, B and C written below them.

Arnab: “Welcome everyone to the show. Let’s start with the most important question haunting mankind. Let’s end the hide-and-seek game today. LET’S SETTLE THIS NOW AND HERE!!!! Where are all of you? Why are you not helping us? God A?”

God A: Because we are not supposed to! Unless and until a calamity of a monstrous scale happens that threatens the end… 

Arnab: OH MY GOD! You are telling me that there have been no calamities of a monstrous scale? Let me remind you sir. No! Let me remind you! 900 people died in the Mumbai riots in 1993, more than a 1000 people died in the Gujrat roits….

God B: Arnab, he meant on the scale of lakhs, crores. When there is a danger of extinction of mankind, we might appear. Until then…

Arnab: *giving a Dilip Kumar expression* Might appear? Might? MigHT? MIGHT? WE HUMANS HERE ARE COMSUMING VICKS AT AN ALARMING RATE BECAUSE WE ARE GETTING HOARSE CALLING YOU FOR HELP AND YOU MIGHT APPEAR? WE ARE PUTTING LAKHS AND LAKHS OF MONEY AT YOUR FEET WHEN MILLIONS ARE STARVING AND YOU ‘MIGHT’ APPEAR?

God C: Arnab, we cannot undo what humans have done. It is your fate. We gave you brains, didn’t we?

Arnab: *Pointing at God C with a Nirupa Roy look* YOU SIR ARE THE WORST OF THE WHOLE BUNCH! Your people are killing other people since hundred of years and you are eating popcorn and watching the show! Can you sleep at night? Can you look into the mir…..

God C: Why are you blaming me, God B’s people have been destroying one nation after another since decades. What about him? Why don’t you….

God B: Hold on! My people have always fought righteous wars! They have always fought for the love of America humanity. You cannot….

God A: Hrrrrruumph! Give me a break! Both of you should have at least appeared once in a while and made things right. Look at me. I have already appeared 9 times. All you guys do is sit on your ass and….

Arnab: SILENCE! Silence! All three of you are guilty! All three of you! And stop playing your politics here. THIS IS MY SHOW! I AM THE GOD HERE! So, don’t you guys dare to fling fingers at each other. The only finger that flings on this show is MINE! God A, tell me something. Your people are goondas. They beat girls who drink. They beat couples who celebrate Valentines day. Tell me, don’t they serve drinks in heaven when you have cultural programs where apsaras dance? Don’t you have Kamdev in your cabinet?

God A: I never said any of these things are wrong.

Arnab: But YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING TO STOP IT!

God A: What do you want? I can’t bloody come every time on Earth when someone has a flat tyre to help him.

Arnab: OH MY GOD! You are comparing hooliganism and murders to flat tyres? OH MY GOD!

God A: *rolling his eyes* It was just an expression!

Arnab: Let me tell all three of you today – YOU GUYS ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING. *Inserting a sad Anupam Kher expression* I feel like an orphan today. An orphan! And I say this on the behalf of the whole humanity. ALL OF US ARE ORPHANS! WE ARE ON OUR OWN! OH MY GOD!

God B: You really don’t have to be such a drama queen. Let us speak. You have to understand that this is not how it….

Arnab: DRAMA QUEEN? YOU ARE CALLING ME A DRAMA QUEEN? YOU THREE ARE THE BIGGEST DRAMA QUEENS I HAVE EVER SEEN! Sir, let me tell you that you guys exist because of us. If we want, we can shun you all and live on our own. Tell me how it happens then. I would like to listen. Let’s finish this now and here. Today is the day. Today is JUDGEMENT DAY!

God C: Our task was to create the world. We cannot solve your problems. We can only show you the path. It is up to you to walk on it.

Arnab: So, the three of you agree that you cannot help us?

God A,B,C: Yes.

Arnab: OH MY GOD!

*another 3 second pause and then he looks at the camera*

Arnab: Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we have seen incompetence at the highest level. Forget politicians. Forget the World Wars. This is the reality exclusively on Times Wow – that we are alone. We have to fight this battle of saving humanity on our own. That OUR GODS ARE NOT GOING TO SAVE US! I WILL NEVER BOW MY HEAD IN FRONT OF ANY GOD FROM NOW ONWARDS!

God A: *yawning* Arnab, why don’t you become the god for humans? You have all the characteristics. *God B and C nod in unison and pass a smile*

Arnab: STOP YOUR SARCASTIC HANKY PANKY! YOUR ROSE TINTED IMAGE HAS BEEN SHATTERED TODAY. HUMANS NOW KNOW WHAT YOU ALL STAND FOR. *looks at the camera* THIS TIMES WOW EXCLUSIVE WILL BE ETCHED IN THE MEMORY OF MANKIND TILL ETERNITY.

God C : *telepathically talks to God A and B* His face is going red. His lungs will be on the table anytime.

God A,B : *telepathically* Don’t make us laugh you idiot! He has already done enough to portray us in a bad light.

God C : *telepathically* You appear as a blank screen, you fool! And you really think people care?

God B : *telepathically* Of course not. That is one reason I haven’t turned him into Rakhi Sawant yet.

God A: *telepathically* Shall we leave?

God C: *telepathically* Oh for God sake! Yes!

*Meanwhile Arnab is still rambling*

Arnab: I AM ASHAMED OF ALL THREE OF YOU!! ASHAMED!! Do you have anything else to say before we end this show?

*Silence*

Arnab: God A, God B, God C?

*Silence*

Arnab: OH MY GOD!

2017-11-11T00:38:23+00:00 Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

65 Comments

  1. reekycoleslaw February 10, 2013 at 12:43 pm - Reply

    Hah! So we are on our own? Well, not if you believe in Gods D to Z – you know, the self professed ones right here on Earth?
    Great satire! 🙂

    • Amit February 10, 2013 at 1:03 pm - Reply

      Yes, we are. Depressing isn’t it?
      As far as D-Z Gods go, I think Arnab will be putting them in the docks in a separate edition of the show.
      Thanks Rickie. 🙂

  2. karishma February 10, 2013 at 1:03 pm - Reply

    Too smart for a human you are, Amit!

    • Amit February 10, 2013 at 1:05 pm - Reply

      OMG! What does that mean? 😛
      Long time no see? Thanks Karishma. 🙂

  3. alkagurha February 10, 2013 at 1:08 pm - Reply

    I can almost see a halo around Saint Arnab’s head. No wonder, ‘Your channel’ will be the first one to bring God to justice. And then Saint Arnab will proclaim….Tonight ladies and gentlemen….tonight I have God Himself in my studios. And tonight, he will have to give some straight answers to my very straight questions. I will be very direct today…So God, tell me, when will you stop being so kind to Rajdeep Sardesai?

    • Amit February 10, 2013 at 1:35 pm - Reply

      I don’t think Gods are coming back now. Imagine being shouted at by a human after creating the universe. I am surprised they did not turn him into a nude statue.

  4. Punam J R February 10, 2013 at 1:18 pm - Reply

    Amit, you certainly are the best blogger around – quite invincible I must say. As I was reading this, I could actually imagine a satirical play on stage and this is a perfect script for it..!!
    Well done!
    I especially enjoyed the telepathical dialogues and making them laugh moment.

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:35 pm - Reply

      Punam,
      Thank you for all the praise especially when I think that I am pretty average. 🙂
      Telepathy angle was added in the last moment. It just came to me. Thanks for liking it. 🙂

  5. kayemofnmy February 10, 2013 at 1:35 pm - Reply

    What a gift, Amit! Making us laugh even as you feed us the unpalatable and scary truth.

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:37 pm - Reply

      Haha! Thanks KayEm. 🙂

  6. Rachna February 10, 2013 at 6:51 pm - Reply

    Someone give me deliverance from Arnab. Oh my God, he is crazy! I don’t know why people come on his shows. I wish Gods had made him invisible or at least turned down his volume.

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:38 pm - Reply

      I watch his shows on and off as they are generally a lot of noise where people scream in unison. He is the Ekta Kapoor of Media.

  7. R's Mom February 10, 2013 at 7:25 pm - Reply

    hahahhahhahah! hahahahah! I just cant stop laughing…

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:38 pm - Reply

      Thanks R’s Mom. 🙂

  8. aarti February 10, 2013 at 11:15 pm - Reply

    Rakhi Sawant hehehehahaaahaaa.Couldn’t just leave her out,could you.

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:38 pm - Reply

      Aree! She is my favourite animal!

  9. Debajyoti Ghosh February 10, 2013 at 11:16 pm - Reply

    hahaha, awesome!! i find it bit cheap when he says, “exclusively on times wow” :D. but here he definitely has a point.

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:39 pm - Reply

      It is cheap! And it is used a lot of times on News channels. 🙂

  10. Dr Roshan R February 11, 2013 at 12:54 am - Reply

    Arnab vs the Gods ? Was there ever any doubt who’d win this … I’m only surprised he didn’t do the Razor’s Edge or Tombstone on any of them.. damn blank screens saved them 😀

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:40 pm - Reply

      No wonder the Gods left midway! The Gods are wise. There was a reason they came in blank screens. 🙂

  11. CS February 11, 2013 at 10:38 am - Reply

    How come you missed the famous sentence – “the country is watching and they need an answer?? ” . hilarious and thought provoking..

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:41 pm - Reply

      CS, I might have missed a lot of famous sentences. I cannot keep pace with his innovations. 😛
      Thanks for liking the post. 🙂

  12. Destiny's child February 11, 2013 at 10:42 am - Reply

    Arnab really needs to take a chill pill. And thanks for that dose of laughter! 😀

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:41 pm - Reply

      Ne needs to take nirvana by leaving for the Himalayas. 🙂
      And you are welcome. 🙂

  13. Fem February 11, 2013 at 12:03 pm - Reply

    I love Arnab, and I loved this!

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:42 pm - Reply

      Thanks for loving this despite loving Arnab. 🙂

  14. Visha February 11, 2013 at 12:17 pm - Reply

    The day will not be far when he himself will proclaim ‘I am God’ 😆
    Is there even one episode where he doesn’t twist/turn/leap 😀 😀

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:42 pm - Reply

      I think he has already proclaimed it in his mind. It is a matter of time it comes in the newspapers. 🙂

  15. me February 11, 2013 at 12:35 pm - Reply

    rofl!!!

  16. Jas February 11, 2013 at 2:12 pm - Reply

    Perfect… you have caught the Arnabisms seamlessly in this post… Hail thy God! whosoever survives his onslaught.

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:44 pm - Reply

      Thanks Jas. I tried although I touched just 10% of the drama. 🙂

  17. Nishaa February 11, 2013 at 2:35 pm - Reply

    Arnab should switch to India TV. That’s the right channel for such drama!
    To think of it, my belief in God is weakening. Things are actually becoming worse and he is nowhere to be seen or felt. Hmmm!

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:49 pm - Reply

      I think he should switch to Balaji Telefilms.
      Mine too. I am fast losing the agnostic streak in me.

  18. perspectivesandprejudices February 11, 2013 at 4:37 pm - Reply

    Dude, SO hilarious!!! 🙂 I almost fell off my chair laughing 🙂 Maybe you could bring in Arnab’s ‘expert panel’ to question the Gods too? [Not that he’s going to let anyone talk much, anyway… :P]

    Well-written! 🙂

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:49 pm - Reply

      Thanks! 🙂 I am glad you liked it. 🙂

  19. Priya Sreeram (@priyasreeram) February 11, 2013 at 4:42 pm - Reply

    gee- superb writing amit and I loved this satire to bits 🙂

    • Amit February 11, 2013 at 5:50 pm - Reply

      Thanks Priya. 🙂

  20. Rahul February 11, 2013 at 10:37 pm - Reply

    A nice satire and not often one gets to read such hilarious stuff!

    • Amit February 12, 2013 at 9:16 am - Reply

      Thank you for liking the post Rahul.

  21. Latha February 12, 2013 at 9:48 am - Reply

    My comment is gone 🙁

  22. Latha February 12, 2013 at 9:49 am - Reply

    ok now that this one got published..let me try to recollect what I said 🙂
    OMG!!! bolne ke alava aur kuch nahi hoga, is desh mein!! Dear gods, go take rest and give rest to the rest of the gods too…ugh…had fun reading this, Amit 🙂

    • Amit February 12, 2013 at 11:02 am - Reply

      🙁 Your comment is not even in spam.
      Regarding the post, I guess Gods heard you and left midway. The guy was straining their nerves. 🙂
      Thanks Latha.

  23. Nirvana February 12, 2013 at 9:54 am - Reply

    Oh God!!! This was the best piece of satire I have read in a loooooong time!!! Sharing this buddy!! 🙂

    • Amit February 12, 2013 at 11:02 am - Reply

      Thanks Nirvana! 🙂

  24. Purba February 12, 2013 at 2:08 pm - Reply

    Since you have perfected the art of hysteria, you deserve a show of your own.
    I wonder what Arnab has to say about the Pope’s resignation?

    • Amit February 12, 2013 at 2:56 pm - Reply

      Haha! Yeah. Right! I am scared of crowds. I will have to probably wear a diaper during my show.
      And I am sure Arnab will gather a few ‘popes’ and demand an answer straightaway.

  25. Corinne Rodrigues February 12, 2013 at 5:00 pm - Reply

    I guess even the Gods can be arm-twisted to come on his show and be mocked at!
    Good one, Amit – but then your posts always are! 🙂

    • Amit February 12, 2013 at 5:39 pm - Reply

      I guess we all commit mistakes and that include the Gods. 🙂 But I think they were very patient. I would have turned him into a goat.
      Thanks Corinne. 🙂

  26. umashankar February 12, 2013 at 8:37 pm - Reply

    Well, that was quintessential Arnab and his audience, that also happens to be Gods. No matter we are headed down the Great Central Black Hole. Meanwhile, you are the genius as ever! 🙂

    • Amit February 13, 2013 at 9:36 am - Reply

      I think the chat ended at a very positive note. The Gods made it very clear that we have to clean our own shit.
      Thanks Uma. 🙂

  27. Archie February 13, 2013 at 10:08 am - Reply

    I’m sure the Gods sent Arnab a care package with Tissues, Asthma medicine and VICKS!

    • Amit February 13, 2013 at 10:38 am - Reply

      I have an inkling that they actually agreed to come to the show to see the lungs on the table and howl with laughter. Gods can be really sadistic at times.

      • Archie February 13, 2013 at 10:44 am

        Looks to me like they have a good sense of humor… I mean have you seen Rakhi Sawant?

      • Amit February 13, 2013 at 11:26 am

        Yes. She looks like a Micheal Jackson surgery gone horribly wrong.

  28. Rahul Aggarwal February 13, 2013 at 12:04 pm - Reply

    telepathic conversation .. lol

    ROFL ..

    this is amazing Amit ..

    Arnab will one day declare himself god and ABC his mere mortals…!

    • Amit February 13, 2013 at 2:05 pm - Reply

      Thanks Rahul. 🙂
      As the Oracle said in Matrix – Believe!
      I guess Arnab has taken that very seriously.

  29. ms February 14, 2013 at 6:23 am - Reply

    well, amit you haven’t included arnab’s signature words THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW! i always get a ringing sound in my ears after watching him even for 10 minutes. but you have got him spot-on!

    • Amit February 14, 2013 at 7:24 am - Reply

      I am sure I have left out a lot of signature words. The sheer number of such words is overwhelming. I wish he will publish a book soon that can be used as a reference.
      I must admit that I don’t watch his show regularly. The paint in my bedroom starts peeling off.
      Thanks MS for liking the post. 🙂

  30. Dhivya February 16, 2013 at 1:01 pm - Reply

    wow Amit….Great Satire …Wait…Noooooooo..This is the truth…

    • Amit February 18, 2013 at 1:10 pm - Reply

      Thanks Dhivya. 🙂
      Well yeah, it is based on true events.

  31. The Girl Next Door February 21, 2013 at 4:15 pm - Reply

    LOL. This was too good.
    Heights of sarcasm! 🙂

    • Amit February 21, 2013 at 5:22 pm - Reply

      Are you talking about me or the Gods? 😛
      Thanks TGND. 🙂

  32. Naveen February 22, 2013 at 11:14 am - Reply

    HAHAHAHA…! 😀 This is going on my FB.

    • Amit February 22, 2013 at 12:19 pm - Reply

      Thanks Naveen. 🙂

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