Image from here

I am one of the few blessed people who live in a city away from their relatives. Less noses in my affairs. Less Gyan. Less plastic smiles. More peace of mind.

So when a relative is about to come to our house, it creates a frenzy equalling that of cyclone Phalin. I must admit that the frequency has reduced after the death of my grandparents but there was a time when there were regular visitors. It was one such visitor whom I remember very clearly. He was the guy who tried to kill my family. Β The assassin.

This assassin was a cousin of my grandma. He was from the hills. He was rotund, had pink cheeks that were dropping off his face because of old age. His eyes were sharp and always scanning everyone in the vicinity, as if trying to find avenues in case he had to escape. His voice was muffled, as if he was standing behind layers of cotton. He never brought gifts for us children but always hugged us whenever he came, swathing us with smells of trees and his unwashed underarms. He would sit for hours with my grandma talking in their local language, sometimes laughing his terrifying laugh. His laugh always reminded me of a serial killer who while trying a dress made of the skin of his victims realized that the dress fits him perfectly.

Grandma was very fond of him. She had no idea that he tried to kill us every time he visited. Every single time.

I distinctly remember the first time he tried to murder me. I was sleeping and suddenly there was this deafening roar that shook me out of my slumber. For a second I thought that a gang of lions have attacked our apartment. My heart was in my mouth when I heard the roar again. I sat up hurriedly torn between screaming and hiding under my bed. Then a third roar happened. A thin crack appeared in the ceiling. It was as if the house was unable to stand the vibrations. I gathered courage and got off my bed. I reached the adjacent room where the assassin was sleeping. I was at the door when another roar brought a warm gust of wind towards my face, leaving my hair in an upheaval. I almost choked at the moist wind smelling of a mixture of chicken curry and bad breath. The roar happened again and I saw the windowpanes vibrate and the ceiling fan sway. I was terrified that the house will not be able to withstand the strain of such powerful snoring. Soon, I realized that my whole family was up, confused and shocked. My grandfather almost had a heart attack. Our hearts were in our mouth. We were so close to our deaths. Eventually, mother stuffed some cotton in my ears to ease the suffering but I was not able to sleep.

In the morning, the assassin tried to kill me again.

There was just one loo in our house back then. I was desperately in a need to use it but the assassin was taking his own sweet time. Maybe he was skinning a rat alive. Its not that we had rats in our house but he might be carrying one from the hills to play with it before slaughtering it. Finally, the door opened and he came out. I rushed inside and locked the door. What followed was the stuff hell must be made of. Even though the assassin had the good sense to flush, the loo reeked of such unimaginable smells that I choked for a good five minutes before I decided to stop breathing. I opened the window but the smells were not leaving. I eventually pushed my mouth towards the open window and took a lungful of breath because I was in a danger of turning blue and collapsing. It took me a good fifteen minutes to save myself from this lethal attack of the assassin, during which I completely forgot the real reason for which I entered the gas chamber.

It was not just me, every member of my family who had the misfortune of entering the death room after the assassin met the same fate. They came out wide eyed, clutching their throats, panting like a man with a fish bone stuck in his throat.

We were all terrified. We huddled together night after night, morning after morning, trying to survive the attacks. Thankfully, none of my family members died of choking or heart attacks but the assassin left no stone unturned as he tried to wipe us off the planet.

He visited us again and again, year after year. Everytime the news of his arrival was shared by grandma, we all sent a silent prayer towards the almighty. Mom used to run towards the small temple in our house and pray for the survival of our family. His visits dwindled after my grandma passed away and now I haven’t seen him in years.

Even now I shudder when I think of those terrifying days where my family was attacked mercilessly. We survived the odds. The trauma brought us together, binding us in neverending love.

I am proud of that time when all of us held hands together and fought the assassin. The assassin who tried to kill MY FAMILY.

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016. Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping. He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.


  1. mahabore October 27, 2013 at 8:56 pm - Reply

    Chemical warfare huh, it is good that your family rallied together and fought this air pollution menace πŸ˜€ Hilarious post πŸ˜€

    • Amit October 27, 2013 at 9:27 pm - Reply

      Not just chemical but he used gadgetry that induced heart attacks. It was horrible.
      Thanks for reading. πŸ™‚

  2. umashankar October 27, 2013 at 8:58 pm - Reply

    Oh, dear! Oh, poor dear! I am shocked to realise how narrowly we missed this amazing space here called Mashed Musings! Yet, I can identify with your predicament. You have robed a common enough catastrophe in your trademark humour.

    • Amit October 27, 2013 at 9:31 pm - Reply

      I know! It was a terrible time for the family. The roars were the ones I was really scared of. Even today, I sometimes wake up sweating because of nightmares of him sleeping next to me on my bed.

  3. Ritu Lalit October 27, 2013 at 9:16 pm - Reply

    Oh God, this was really funny!

    • Amit October 27, 2013 at 9:32 pm - Reply

      Thanks Ritu. It wasn’t when it was happening. I was scared to death. πŸ™‚

  4. A Walk into the Woods October 27, 2013 at 9:35 pm - Reply

    Well, I am not sure what I feel about this one, Amit. I mean, there are people we have to adjust with in our lives.. so many things… and sometimes, the adjusting takes all of our patience and determination..! This came across as a bit of an exaggeration.. with due respect to your feelings.. I actually tried to see where anyone was getting murdered. πŸ™‚

    • Amit October 27, 2013 at 9:38 pm - Reply

      Of course it is an exaggeration!
      But we really choked in the loo and got scared of the snores. πŸ˜›

  5. alkagurha October 27, 2013 at 10:51 pm - Reply

    Ha ha. So which ones were worse? The sound bombs or the smell grenades?

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 8:57 pm - Reply

      Hard choice. Taking the probability of dying into account, I would vote for the smell grenades.

  6. Sreetama October 27, 2013 at 11:02 pm - Reply

    When I started reading I assumed it to be a serious social satire but could guess where it was going afterwards as we have had similar experiences with a guest of our family, my grandmother’s sister. She & my grandma snored in unison, sometimes in an alternate rhythm stealing my sleep & peace. About the loo experiences, less said the better! This reminded me of the film Atithi Kab Jaoge!

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 8:58 pm - Reply

      It is a social menace. It makes me sad to think of families that have gone through similar pain. I pray for them. πŸ™‚
      I haven’t seen that movie but I know it had Paresh and Ajay.

  7. reekycoleslaw October 28, 2013 at 12:36 am - Reply

    Sounds like a totally lethal character! I wonder why the TV serial folks haven’t incorporated someone like him in their storylines yet. It must be because they can’t find an actor who could convey such terror!

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 9:09 pm - Reply

      But it would be complete inappropriate to show a sari clad, jewellery loaded Maaji farting to glory in a loo! That will be scandalous.

      • reekycoleslaw October 29, 2013 at 1:00 am

        I think the day Indian Television features a saree clad Maaji farting, it would finally come of age!

  8. Ms October 28, 2013 at 4:05 am - Reply

    And what about the fact that your family was trying to kill him on his visits by feeding him gassy foods? And heavy oily dinners that gave him deep sonorous slumbers? Ha!

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 9:49 pm - Reply

      What! It return to the fumes and fury, we gave him our love and nothing else. πŸ˜›

  9. themoonstone October 28, 2013 at 8:57 am - Reply

    LOL ! Was expecting something entirely different.. what with the picture and all… and it turned quite humorous by the end πŸ™‚ Sounds like a dangerous character !

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 9:54 pm - Reply

      He was. We barely survived. πŸ™‚

  10. Archie October 28, 2013 at 9:10 am - Reply

    ARGH! Know what you mean. We had an extended stay from one such who would poop around the toilet bowl and not even wash…

    Excuse me just had to throw up.

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 9:55 pm - Reply

      Haha! That was just too bad. πŸ˜›

  11. wanderlustathome October 28, 2013 at 9:46 am - Reply

    Ah, the pure bliss of being in a city away from all the assassins.
    Totally empathize with you, Amit! Have had my share of scares too, but none as hellish as this one πŸ™‚

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 9:55 pm - Reply

      Yes, this was one of a kind. πŸ™‚

  12. Rachna October 28, 2013 at 9:53 am - Reply

    Oh Gosh! That must have been like the worst experience possible, and a terrorist who was welcomed every year to your home! Humorous post!

    • Amit November 2, 2013 at 12:20 pm - Reply

      It was a very bad experience. Thank God we survived it all.

  13. Destiny's child October 28, 2013 at 10:09 am - Reply

    Reminds me of the movie, Athithi tum kab jaoge?

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 10:00 pm - Reply

      I haven’t seen it but the promo seems similar. I hope he was as horrible as this assassin.

  14. R's Mom October 28, 2013 at 10:15 am - Reply

    hahahahahahaha! I havent stopped laughing for the past 2 minutes now πŸ™‚

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 10:01 pm - Reply

      Thanks R’s Mom. πŸ™‚

  15. Jas October 28, 2013 at 10:55 am - Reply

    Too lethal I must say πŸ˜€

  16. Smita October 28, 2013 at 10:57 am - Reply

    lol!!!! I could actually feel your plight on that bomb thing!!!! Yuck!!! Yuck & more yuck!!! Reminds me of Paresh Rawal in Atithi tum Kab jaaoge πŸ˜€

    P.S. I confronted my IT Team and got your blog unblocked πŸ˜€

    • Deeps October 28, 2013 at 12:54 pm - Reply

      Me too, Smita! The assassin does remind of Paresh Rawal’s character πŸ˜€

    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 10:02 pm - Reply

      Wow! Great news! you can do that in your office? Are you the manager or something? πŸ˜›
      So many people are mentioning the movie that I have to see it now. πŸ™‚
      Good to see you here Smita. πŸ™‚

      • Smita October 30, 2013 at 11:17 am

        Ya we can do that!!! All I did was that I asked why is it blocked. I mean I knew that this blog has no wrong content so main jaake sach ke liye lad gayi πŸ˜‰

      • Amit October 31, 2013 at 8:20 pm

        If I try to do that in my company, they will throw me out of the room and then point a CCTV camera permanently at me.

  17. Shweta October 28, 2013 at 11:15 am - Reply


    • Amit October 28, 2013 at 10:03 pm - Reply

      Thanks Shweta. πŸ™‚

  18. Anonymously Disguised October 28, 2013 at 12:06 pm - Reply

    God that he doesn’t drop by anymore. I can’t imagine how your little one will react to his roar!!

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:43 pm - Reply

      She would have bitten off his cheek. πŸ˜›

  19. Deeps October 28, 2013 at 12:53 pm - Reply

    ROFL!! As the saying goes..Athithi devo bhava! πŸ˜‰

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:46 pm - Reply

      Then he was a Danav Dev. πŸ™‚

  20. ashreyamom October 28, 2013 at 12:59 pm - Reply

    got reminded of the movie attiti tum kab javoge.. did u send the story line for the writer of the movie??

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:47 pm - Reply

      I have not seen the movie but now it seems that I must. πŸ™‚

  21. Nisha October 28, 2013 at 1:41 pm - Reply

    Yikes! I could almost smell the loo! Yikesss!!!

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:48 pm - Reply

      Haha! You can’t even imagine!

  22. Rekha October 28, 2013 at 1:43 pm - Reply

    Ohhh Amit! I just survived death. I almost fell off the chair hurting my back.
    Athithi Tum Kab Jaoge? LOL πŸ˜€

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:49 pm - Reply

      Haha! Don’t hurt yourself. I don’t want to pass my trauma to you. πŸ˜›

  23. Bhavia October 28, 2013 at 5:16 pm - Reply

    ha ha..I remember you telling about this guy in your comment of one my posts πŸ™‚

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:50 pm - Reply

      Did I? There must have been a nightmare a night before. πŸ™‚

  24. RED HANDED October 28, 2013 at 7:21 pm - Reply

    OH DEAR LORD. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..I am glad you survived the assassination attempt. hahahahaah I am sorry….this was tooooooooooooooo good!!

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:51 pm - Reply

      I am glad too. It is great to be alive. πŸ™‚

  25. pixie October 28, 2013 at 9:18 pm - Reply

    That was hilarious!! πŸ˜€
    You do need an award for surviving the assassin!! πŸ˜€

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:55 pm - Reply

      I was awarded my life. πŸ˜€

  26. Indyeah October 28, 2013 at 11:01 pm - Reply

    hahaha! hilarious story . it’s a wonder you survived. πŸ˜€

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 9:56 pm - Reply

      Yes, I was surprised. too. πŸ™‚

  27. Ashwathy October 28, 2013 at 11:20 pm - Reply

    This is the first time in my life I am seeing snoring being described this way!! Gotta show it to my hubby who snores himself πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ Hehe!

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 10:46 pm - Reply

      You have to hear him snore to understand what I mean. It was scary. I am sure your hubby is nowhere near. πŸ™‚

  28. kayemofnmy October 29, 2013 at 5:42 am - Reply

    Could forgive the onslaught on your ears but his utter indifference about choking you all to death? Unforgivable πŸ™‚

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 10:48 pm - Reply

      Believe me, forgiving the snoring part is a bad idea. It was a freaking horror show. πŸ™‚

  29. lathaguduru October 29, 2013 at 7:03 am - Reply

    HAHAHHA…..that is a true Amit style post….hehhe…when you said roar, I thought he was laughing, at first πŸ™‚ we had a friend who snored loudddd when we went to a trip…so all of us ganged up on him and made him sleep in the kids’ room…:p

  30. lathaguduru October 29, 2013 at 7:16 am - Reply

    Now, I should tell my son..a.k.a your fan to read this and gawdddd…no…I won’t…he will make it viral and he will get

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 10:52 pm - Reply

      This uncle actually snored like a lion. I think they might have used him as a dubbing artist in Discovery Channel and no one would have noticed.
      Haha! Keep it away from your son. At least for the time being. πŸ™‚

  31. chsuresh63 October 29, 2013 at 1:06 pm - Reply

    So you nearly get assassinated and as a thanksgiving for surviving it you try to kill us all with hiumor? πŸ™‚

    • Amit October 29, 2013 at 10:53 pm - Reply

      Humour? I was hoping to share my pain. πŸ™‚

  32. Maddie November 3, 2013 at 3:28 pm - Reply

    We all have similar assassins in our extended families! Can empathise with your plight.

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