‘You have changed’ is the ‘Houston, we have a problem’ of married couples. The spaceship of marriage strays away from a predefined trajectory and men who think they are sitting in the control room, get a nasty shock of an SOS. At first, the sentence is spoken in a ‘gentle, friendly warning’ but as time passes and if no amendments are made, it comes with a wailing siren. So, what is the secret ingredient to keep your spaceship on track? Saying ‘So have you’ is never an option. Men have to work towards setting things right. They have to understand the subtleties in the message without expecting an explicit explanation. That will be suicide.
The fires start burning low after the first year of togetherness. Here are a few tips that men can work upon to keep the love alive. Then you would have changed for good.
Learn to cook
Nothing can satisfy a woman more than a breakfast in bed on a Sunday morning. Believe me, I have heard conversation where women have asked other women to loan their breakfast making husband for a day, of course for olfactory and gustatory pleasures of food only. Learn to bake if you really want her heart and knees to melt. When she will eat those chocolate muffins, the ‘you have changed’ will have a horny twist to it.
Help her shop
Nowadays malls are full of uninterested men staring at their mobiles while their wives are trying to fit in clothes a size smaller than usual in the changing rooms. I have witnessed men drift away playing Candy Crush while their women desperately shout their names with tears in their eyes. How can husbands go missing from the required post outside the changing room? This is sad. Take interest in her shopping. Compliment her. Don’t use silly lines like – “You are fat now, it seems”. What are you? A two year old? An adult should know how to be diplomatic.
Do things for her
Do small things that matter. Colour her hair. Go lingerie shopping and buy her some naughty things. You are not Hrithik Roshan with your paunch and male boobs, so stop being dramatic about her. Get flowers for her sometimes. Give her a chocolate massage. Please don’t ask me what it is. Next you’ll ask what a Patanjali Honey massage is. Get some scented candles. Do you have a kid? Leave the kid with the grandparents sometimes. Watch Games of Thrones (code-word for indecent things that start with the word P) with your wife. Go to a beach and sit in the ocean with her. You did this during your first year of marriage, remember? Bring Calcium tablets for her.
Help her with the chores
You are absolutely NALAYAK if you expect your wife to do all the work while you loll on the sofa like a beached whale. Get your ass up and put those utensils in their proper place. Get a maid and if you can’t, then be a half maid for her. As she cuts okra, come slowly from behind and take her hands in yours and cut okra together. Its very romantic. Be careful. Don’t cut the lady’s fingers. Dust the house on weekends. Help her wear a sari. Help her take it off. Help her choose matching earrings, matching sandals, matching lipstick, matching necklace, matching bangles, matching purse. God knows, she absolutely needs your help there.
Don’t be boring in bed. Be like Emraan Hashmi. If you haven’t heard about foreplay and have no idea about her body parts that start with words other than B, then Google about things that give pleasure to women. You will be surprised at your ignorance. Don’t bring shame to the country that gave Kamasutra to the world. And for God sake, learn how to kiss. Don’t move your lips like a cow chewing cud when you kiss. Do daring things together. Jump off a cliff. Fly over the ocean. Eat snakes. Make paneer tikka for her if she is a vegetarian.
Be her friend
Talk. There are times when you are tired, when she is tired but snoring like an elephant in the middle of a boring television serial is no way to spend your evenings. Talk about your feelings, how you feel about certain things, about your day, about a thousand indifferent things. Stop being two boring people who watch television and go to sleep drooling. Yak. Being a woman, your wife has gone through much more and given more sacrifices than you can ever begin to imagine. Respect her being. You are not a provider and a Providee.
Give her space
Encourage her to go out with her friends, do her thing. Does she read? Paint? Loves cooking? Cycling? Writes? Social Service? Let her flow and find her path. Stop being a leech that sticks to her all the time. You have a life too. Two people can be married and still pursue their interests. She is not your subject and you are not Tutankhamun. And punch yourself in the face before saying – “We must do everything together.”
Additional tip – Don’t overdo it. She might think you are having an affair.