The art of picking your woman in your arms

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You know, I was dying to do some armchair activism today. I was looking forward to write a post titled - Dear India, what the fuck? - and scream my lungs out about the way our priorities are royally misplaced. How we don't care about rapes and farmer suicides and discuss AIB as if it

CroreHit Shetty goes to Hollywood

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New York Depress starring Brave Willis and Emma Wandson Crore-Hit Shetty was pacing worriedly in his office. His last 7 movies have been blockbusters, generating revenues of over 100 crores each. Producers were falling over each other to make a movie with him. Top actors were rubbing their nose on his toenails to

A chat with the Seducers

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They have been entertaining us for years. You cannot imagine Bollywood without their gyrations. In this nation where an average Indian struggles for a meal, they are like a shining beacon in cold nights giving equal respite to the underprivileged and the privileged. Why would I like to chat with them, you may ask? It is to know their secret formula, to know what makes them thrust, to know what inspires them to do jiggle their assets. It was an honor to be connected to the Seven Sexy Seducers on WeChat and talk to them. Now won’t it be best if I share with you our chat history? That will give you enough fodder as to why I was jumping with joy when I got this opportunity. Oh! But before that, let me introduce them to you. Me : Hello Ladies. This is history in the making. Mehbooba : History? Are you trying to insult me by telling me that I am old now? Chikni Chameli : LOL Me : No! I meant this is history in the making because all of you are here chatting together. Mehbooba : Ah! And Chikni Chameli, show some respect. I have done more dance numbers than the number of clothes you are wearing. Badmaash Babli : ROLF! Mehbooba, like seriously! Do you live in a cave? Chances are that Chikni Chameli is hardly wearing anything. Ku Ku Ku : Mehboobaji, girls nowadays do not wear skin colored clothes like in your times. They aren’t hypocrites and of course they do not have any respect. Me : Ladies! Really, this is a most interesting cat fight but can we just chat? Can all of you share your thoughts about what drove you to do all those dance numbers? Mehbooba, Laila, Badnaam Munni, Halkat Jawani, Chikni Chameli, Badmaash Babli, Ku Ku Ku : The love of Art. Me : Wow! 5 minutes into the chat and I have tears in my eyes. What else? You all know that the men in our country love you to bits. Movies make crores because of you. Your item numbers are the first ones to be aired to generate enough testosterone to make families come and watch the movie. So what else makes you gyrate in addition to love of art? Laila : *blush blush* Halkat Jawani : Why are you blushing? The last item number you did was in 1980. Ku Ku Ku : RESPECT ladies! Chikni Chameli : Is it because you are soon going to join their ranks? LOL! *This was not going the way I wanted it to* Me : Ladies, can we get back to the question? Laila : I did it for fame too. There. I said it. We all do it for fame. We love it when men fall over each other to touch us and our bodyguards fling them in random directions. It is addictive. Badmaash Babli : See, the basic fact is that a majority of the people are sexually starved and we capitalize on it. There is no harm in it. The whole world capitalizes on things that can be capitalized upon. Mehbooba : I never thought about it that way. I loved dancing. Badnaam Munni : I think the whole concept has evolved over the years. The dynamics and the stakes have changed. Heroines never did item numbers earlier. Now we do not need someone like Mehbooba. I think it started changing during the time of Laila. Me : But the item number is not about dancing anymore, isn’t it? Ku Ku Ku : No it is not. It is more about profits now. It is about gathering as much people as you can to recover your production costs. It is more about moving parts of your body in unimaginable ways to arouse men. Me : And all of you know that? Halkat Jawani : Of course we know that! Who do you think we are? Paris Hilton? Me : Ok. Forget about all the statistics but is it exciting to know that lakhs of men lust after you? That given a chance, they will pounce on you? Laila : Sweetheart, a man who has to pounce on you will pounce on you, irrespective of the item number. The world is abundant with pouncers.  Me : But given the fact that an average Indian male is sexually oppressed and consider all women not related to him as objects, don’t you think that you are fanning the fires here? Badmash Babli : Look, it is a simple demand and supply phenomenon. Stop watching movies with item numbers and Bollywood will stop making them. We are just riding on the tide. Me : What about morality? Halkat Jawani, Chikni Chameli : Fu*k morality. Mehbooba : Jesus! Badnaam Munni : LOL! Let who is without sin cast the first stone. Chikni Chameli : Cigarettes cause cancer but we still manufacture them. Alcohol is injurious to health. Why do we manufacture guns and bombs? Why do prostitutes exist? Darling, you are talking about morality in a world that has buried it long ago. Laila : Do you really think our society will turn Mother Teresa if item numbers are banned? Me : I believe that they are a part of the problem. And I don’t believe morality is dead. There are people who still swear by it and are fighting for its existence. It is a matter of talking sides. It is a matter of convincing yourself that there are things more important than money.  Chikli Chameli, Ku Ku Ku : Ha! Me : All right ladies, lets not be so serious. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Mehbooba, tell us what you think about the new girls? Mehbooba : Too bold for my taste. And I do not understand the concept of wiggling bosoms. I think it was Ku Ku Ku who started it and now everyone is giving the twins a roller-coaster ride. Laila : Exactly. If we line all the ladies up against the Great Wall of China and let loose the tremors, the wall will have a gaping hole in minutes. Why is everyone doing that? Chikni Chameli : Laila, now really! You have subjected people to enough horizontal wiggling in your songs. Badnaam Munni : I guess people like it. And lets not talk about morality again. Me : It is a two way road. I think a society where actresses fall over each other to do an item number says a lot about the society as well but there has to be a sense of responsibility in the industry too. Actresses are not machines on a production line that have to manufacture a product that they are designed for. It is not a simple demand and supply. We are humans with brains.

Forgotten Heroes – Tuffy and Pigeon

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There were times when Tuffy could not believe that he was sleeping on the road, fighting with stray dogs over tiny morsels of food. He lived in a mansion once, where everyone sang and danced, where he was once made an umpire in a game about which he had no idea (all he knew was

The Director’s Cut

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I am a director. My vision has given wings to stories, flesh to characters and panache to words. I do not have a cinematographer, a costume designer, an art director, a make-up artist, a special effects supervisor. I do that myself. Alone. I have the power to dissolved away my surroundings. I have the power to be

Indian Idle

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“Hello everyone! I am Nitin Haddkari and you are watching a very special episode of Celebrity Indian Idle! Please welcome our judges for tonight’s show. Our first judge is our very own number 2, Mr. Raul Gandhi….."  “What does Raul know about dance?” Mrs. Shukla who was sitting in the crowd whispered to her neighbour.

The Middle Finger Awards 2012

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Welcome to the Middle Finger Awards 2012 presented by Mashed Musings. The awards honors the best news makers of 2012 in various categories. We are committed to an unbiased and honest approach toward selecting the nominees and the winners. If you have any concerns about any of the winners not deserving his/her award, please keep

Best of Bollywood in 2012

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2012 was a different year for Bollywood. A handful of movies that come under the category of meaningful cinema were released and Bollywood realised that you can make money out of a sensible movie without being preachy (I am adding  information about collections to make that point). There were strong female leads this year both

Some Random lines on a paper

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There was a time when I had a lot of time at my hands, time enough to paint and sketch. And then life happened. I shifted home a year back. The most heart-strumming experince of moving a house is that all your memories which you have stacked away in boxes come tumbling out. You past