1 ## He drives really well.

He breaks every traffic rule, drives as if his car is a batpod, is traffic signal blind, experience orgasms by honking, derives sadistic pleasure by making people run in front of his car.

2 ## She is a homely girl

She knows how to knead dough, doesn’t talk to strange boys, loves to cry while cutting onions, worships Balaji Telefilms, comes with a remote control, has cobwebs between her legs.

3 ## He is a homely Boy

Does not know what an erection is, urinates in his pants when a girl comes and say ‘Hi’, puts loads of oil in his hair, stammers while talking to his father, eats food only from the hands of his mother, watches Jai Santoshi Maa.

4 ## He is very rich

He is malevolent, is politically connected, has goons available on the snap of his fingers, does not remember the face of his children, has an extramarital affair, has a sobbing sexually deprived gorgeous wife at home who is having an affair with the gardener, has a high-class bitch of a mother, must die of AIDS.

5 ## His wife is too modern

She goes to gym, wears body hugging clothes, shows her enviable cleavage profusely, has a social circle of spoilt rich ladies like her, does not cook for her family, has a very depressed husband at home, drinks like a fish, has a shocked mother-in-law who wonders what she has got her son into.

6 ## She is a very good actress

She has done loads of semi nude dance numbers, has worked with all top heroes, has big breasts, has the same laughing and crying face, is a virgin, is beautiful, is white.

7 ## All politicians are corrupt

I do not have as much money as those illiterate bastards have; I want a Swiss bank account, I want that power. I want to be a politician so that I could earn that money. My life is pathetic. God hates me.

8 ## My only solace is in the feet of Gods

I donate loads of money to temples, I donate my hair, I give milk bath to the Gods, I follow all the top religious gurus, I help build temples in parks meant for children. I hate other religions. My God bestest.

9 ## What was she doing outside the pub at 12?

How dare she have a life? How can others enjoy when I am suffering my boring miserable existence? How can a woman have such freedom? I completely support molestation of the bitch. She is a slave. Rape her. She deserves it because she is not my sister.

10 ## The maid is a part of our family

I give food to her in a separate plate, she sits and sleeps on the floor, she is not allowed to touch my food, she is a potential thief and I have to be careful, she might murder me for the gold I have bought with my black money, she is a low life.

11 ## Poor, hungry people!

Thank God it is not me in their place, filthy people, they are a menace to the society, that is where criminals come from, don’t encourage begging, let them die – that is the best way to wipe them out. Someone incinerate them!

12 ## What a marriage!

They spent lakhs on the decoration, they must have given a heavy dowry, the bride and groom looked like an extension of the red carpet, the quantity of food could have fed the entire population of Zimbabwe, pride = show-off = puffy chests, my marriage was pathetic.

13 ## What a movie!

The hero stood on two running horses, we laughed on comic sequences which won’t make a mentally stable person laugh; the heroine had bucket butts, the hero killed ten goons by throwing them at the moon, jeeps and tomato ketchup flew, there was a romantic song after the hero’s family was butchered.

14 ## I need a cultured girl for my son

I need a maid who works for free, I need a girl who produces male heirs, I need a hen who lays golden eggs, I need a slave who follows my finger. I am the queen of this 2 bedroom flat. I will die a queen. Only I will buy underwear for my son.

15 ## I belong to a cultured family

I don’t have a brain, I take permission from my parents every time I pick my nose, I don’t have any hobbies other than making money and watching porn, my parents have a long pokey nose and we breed girls as cows.

16 ## We don’t need any dowry

I hope you are wise enough to understand what we mean *wink wink*? Make sure your daughter is not visible under the layers of jewellery, don’t give any stupid middle class cars, our family is shitty because we sell our son, our son is a mule.

17 ## Your girlfriend drinks? Wow!

She must be good in bed, you must be having a great time in cinema halls. Lucky bastard! My girlfriend sucks. I want your slutty girlfriend.

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

76 Comments

  1. alkagurha October 31, 2012 at 9:59 pm - Reply

    Amit, I have visited your blog earlier and shared some posts on my FB page. Only I was not sure that you are the guy from mashedmusings . Thank you for visiting Freebird.And if you are on Fb pl add me as a friend. Its easier for me to track new posts from there.

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 7:21 am - Reply

      Hi Alka,
      Thanks for sharing my posts. 🙂
      I tried to add your blog to my favourites but I think you cannot do that via a Facebook page. I have separate FB account for my blog and another personal account.
      If you would like to track my posts on FB, I will suggest you to to go ahead and like my blog’s FB page. The link is in the third box on the sidebar.

  2. Corinne Rodrigues October 31, 2012 at 10:04 pm - Reply

    Sad, but true. If only we were not so full of hypocrisy!

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 7:22 am - Reply

      Yes. If pigs could fly.

  3. Rachna Parmar October 31, 2012 at 10:11 pm - Reply

    Amit, you crazy man. You are just too good in this genre. Each one was a gem and a great commentary on the idiots that we are. BTW what does it mean if I say that you are a fantastic blogger :).

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 10:44 am - Reply

      Thanks Rachna. I am trying. 🙂
      Well, it will mean that you are a nice person who likes giving compliments. 🙂

      • Rachna Parmar November 1, 2012 at 11:28 am

        Aha someone is being diplomatic now :).

      • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:33 am

        Aree no! I know you like my blog and I know you are a nice person. I can see that in your writing. 🙂
        I become diplomatic only when my appraisal is involved. 😛

  4. My Era October 31, 2012 at 10:13 pm - Reply

    If only we could say it like it is instead of covering up the sad reality with cleverly chosen adjectives, everyone’s lives would have been easier, happier and simpler.
    Great list Amit!

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 10:46 am - Reply

      I believe that all these euphemisms and gentle words stem from the doubts we harbor in our minds. Deep inside the person who uses them knows that he is wrong.
      Thanks My Era.

  5. Indian Homemaker October 31, 2012 at 11:02 pm - Reply

    Ever notice how negatively ‘modern’ and ‘freedom’ are used? I have even seen ‘liberal’ being used to indicate promiscuous or ‘slutty’.

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 10:49 am - Reply

      Oh yes! The examples are all around us. And it is used very selectively based on our convenience. For example, your daughter doing a job is ‘freedom’, your daughter doing a job in another city is ‘modern’ and your daughter doing a job in another city and going to a pub is ‘slutty’. None of this applies to the son, of course.

  6. Maddie October 31, 2012 at 11:18 pm - Reply

    True all that! We like to hide our nastiness with these lies.

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 10:53 am - Reply

      Yes, with different degrees.

  7. Latha October 31, 2012 at 11:29 pm - Reply

    hehehe…Amit, each one is a killer..When I saw the first few I thought, you still didn’t get over the Shilpa Shirodkar’s hang over…:P How can you manage do write such witty stuff?

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 10:54 am - Reply

      Thanks Latha. I will never get over that hangover. 🙂
      I manage. Somehow. 😛

  8. Bhavia October 31, 2012 at 11:34 pm - Reply

    I don’t know what to tell you.Every single word tells a story
    http://heyithinkthisway.wordpress.com/2010/05/13/the-others/

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:04 am - Reply

      Yes, it does and a sad one.

  9. Akanksha Dureja October 31, 2012 at 11:34 pm - Reply

    18## We are God fearing people
    Point noted. God fearing, not God loving. For the fear of God, we will not burn your daughter for dowry, we will only harass her until she brings everything we can’t buy ourselves.

    19## She is our Daughter, not a DIL
    Only that she can’t wear what she wants to, she can’t continue her job, she can’t stay out late and can’t visit her parents. Our daughter can do these things coz she is a wise girl.

    20## It is for your own good
    I don’t know how else to convince you to jump off from that building.

    Great post!

    • Jazz October 31, 2012 at 11:48 pm - Reply

      Awesome addition to the awesome points made by Amit.

      • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:06 am

        Yes, they are. Thanks Jazz.

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:05 am - Reply

      Haha! Good additions. Know what? We must write a book on this. There are so many more such points running in my mind that I can write a book. 🙂
      Thanks Akanksha.

      • Akanksha Dureja November 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm

        Lets out them all together then! 🙂

      • Amit November 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm

        Yes, yes. Why not. We will call it – The Encyclopedia of Hypocrisy.

  10. celestialrays November 1, 2012 at 12:30 am - Reply

    LOVE this list! I also don’t understand when people say that they have given ‘full freedom’ to their children or wives or DILs. It just means they are clever with concealed controlling. Freedom can never be given – you are born with it!

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:09 am - Reply

      Thanks celestialrays.
      After your child turns into an adult, there is no question of ‘giving’ him/her freedom. But we do not understand this concept. A child is like a car – a status symbol. Something we must be able to flaunt.
      True, freedom can never be given, but how many people understand this?

  11. Marilay Pancrazi November 1, 2012 at 1:32 am - Reply

    Unfortunately, we can’t live without hypocricy cause life would be unbearable without it! Sometimes, when I hear my dad criticizing people behind their back, I’m terrified because I know they do the same about us!

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:41 am - Reply

      Marilay,
      I agree that we all are hypocrites to a certain degree. It varies from individual to individual. But for some, it turns into something downright malevolent, something so sinister that their actions have nothing to do with their thoughts. In India, you can experience it vividly. Just go to any of the articles in an online daily about a woman getting raped and read the comments. You will understand what I mean.

      • Marilay Pancrazi November 1, 2012 at 12:23 pm

        Hello Amit!
        Don’t worry I understood what you meant; I just wanted to add what I sometimes feel about hypocricy. Of course, there are different kinds of hypocricy.As far as raping is concerned I imagine it is far more shocking. Certainly because some people don’t want to face facts.
        Bye!

      • Amit November 1, 2012 at 6:03 pm

        I completely agree Marilay.

  12. aniruddhabarapatre November 1, 2012 at 7:04 am - Reply

    Wonderful post…

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:33 am - Reply

      Thanks Aniruddha.

  13. umashankar November 1, 2012 at 7:47 am - Reply

    You have opened a Godawful canister of worms! You have also amazingly summed up them all in few short words. The other day I came upon a gentleman on Twitter who said, ‘I am getting 600 to 700 hits per day on my site. Awesome!’ Braggart? Hypocrite? A$$#0%*? Maybe he was telling the truth but apparently he is battling certain inferiority complexes. And that could be mother-tree of the whole lot of behaviours captured by your epic definitions.

    Excellent! I pondered upon, waited and savoured each and every one of them.

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:29 am - Reply

      600 to 700 hits is a very normal thing for an average blog. Most of them are spams and people searching for an image or for a keyword you have vaguely used in a post. If someone brags about it, then he needs help. I agree, that it a behavioral pattern stemming from a complex.
      I get really irritated when people brag about their sons. I understand that your son is going to be the next American president but do you have to remind me of that every time we meet?
      Thanks Uma. I am glad you liked the post.

  14. Jas November 1, 2012 at 9:24 am - Reply

    How sinister can you be ? 😀 Each and every pointer is bang on.

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:23 am - Reply

      Haha! Sinister? 🙂 I think I am tilting towards misanthropy. 🙁
      Thanks Jas.

  15. R's Mom November 1, 2012 at 9:29 am - Reply

    Wow! you sure have a way with words..where you good at precise writing when you were in school..because I would have ended up making a 1000 word post of each of that point and yet not been so hard hitting..you rock man!

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:22 am - Reply

      Precise writing? I don’t remember if I had something like that. 🙂
      I agree, each of the points can be made into a separate post.
      Thanks R’s mom. 🙂

      • Ashwathy November 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm

        It’s not “PRECISE” writing, it’s “PRESCI”. Sort of like summing up a passage in your own words. You must have surely had it for english!

      • shail November 1, 2012 at 1:44 pm

        Its précis

      • Ashwathy November 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

        Err… thank you!! Atleast somebody got it right! :mrgreen:

      • Amit November 2, 2012 at 4:23 pm

        Now that it is all clear, yes, I might have done it. However, I do not recall if I was perticularly good at that. 😀

  16. Xylene November 1, 2012 at 10:28 am - Reply

    haha. This is a great list.

  17. ashreyamom November 1, 2012 at 10:31 am - Reply

    its the sad truth which we face everyday.. a polished killed words used again/ by us.. great post..

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 11:19 am - Reply

      Yes, a sad and amusing truth. Layers and layers of sugary words hiding the reality.

  18. kismitoffeebar November 1, 2012 at 11:49 am - Reply

    Now, how can I say anything nice (that I really mean!) for a post that says “say this hypo, mean that crisy”. 😛
    Awesome list. Sadly. I said hypo and meant it too 🙂

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 6:05 pm - Reply

      Thanks Kismitoffeebar. 🙂

  19. Ashwathy November 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm - Reply

    Brilliant as always 🙂 I have run out of words to compliment some of your posts! 😛

    Sharing this 🙂

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm - Reply

      Thanks Ash. You are a kind lady. 🙂

      • Ashwathy November 2, 2012 at 11:23 am

        And you, sir, have a way with words! 😉 🙂

  20. maximsoflife November 1, 2012 at 1:41 pm - Reply

    I’ve taken 17 punches today and then 3 more, thanks to you and Akanksha 😀

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm - Reply

      Haha! Thanks maximsoflife. 🙂

  21. shail November 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm - Reply

    Says it most effectively!

    • Amit November 1, 2012 at 6:22 pm - Reply

      Thanks Shail. This is like a gist of what I have been reading on a lot of blogs and what I see around me.

  22. purbaray November 2, 2012 at 7:36 am - Reply

    Hey! I was dying to be typecast! I feature nowhere. I protest. I will wear a big bindi, Fab India sari and fast in front of Jantar Mantar.

    • Amit November 2, 2012 at 8:55 am - Reply

      If you feature nowhere, then you belong to an endangered category of humans. Someone must fight for our right to exist like they are doing for tigers and lions.

  23. metherebel November 2, 2012 at 11:52 am - Reply

    Amit you have all my respect! What a list that was! I wish people understood what hypocrisy is all about!

    • Amit November 2, 2012 at 4:24 pm - Reply

      Thanks metherebel. 🙂 Areee, you make me sound like an uncle with respect and all. 😛

  24. Swaram November 2, 2012 at 4:43 pm - Reply

    Sigh! Also, a homely girl makes babies very soon, while a modern girl does not 😛 😛

    • Amit November 2, 2012 at 10:31 pm - Reply

      And the baby will be prefect if the boy is homely too. 😛

  25. Dr Roshan R (@pythoroshan) November 2, 2012 at 6:14 pm - Reply

    tick. tick. tick. yup.. all correct answers Amit. Shabash beta. You get 17 out of 17 correct… full marks on this paper

    • Amit November 2, 2012 at 10:32 pm - Reply

      Thanks Dr. Roshan. I was not expecting anything less than A+. 🙂

  26. The Girl Next Door November 3, 2012 at 10:46 am - Reply

    Loved this list. Sad, but true. Thankfully, not everyone says hypo and means crisy. Thank God for little mercies.

    • Amit November 4, 2012 at 11:27 am - Reply

      Yes TGND. Thankfully, there are a lot of people who are level headed.

  27. Shreya November 6, 2012 at 2:35 pm - Reply

    Hahaha! I loved point 14 and 17!!! Bang on!!

    • Amit November 6, 2012 at 4:29 pm - Reply

      Thanks Shreya. 🙂

  28. Roshni November 15, 2012 at 12:57 am - Reply

    LOL!! Very true, all of these!! I will now read your coffee series, but that will take some time!! :))

    • Amit November 15, 2012 at 10:14 am - Reply

      Thanks Roshni. 🙂 Yes, yes. Go ahead. 🙂

  29. fakeindianbbahu November 16, 2012 at 8:43 am - Reply

    “14 ## I NEED A CULTURED GIRL FOR MY SON
    I need a maid who works for free, I need a girl who produces male heirs, I need a hen who lays golden eggs, I need a slave who follows my finger. I am the queen of this 2 bedroom flat. I will die a queen. Only I will buy underwear for my son.”

    It should be rather “I am wueen yo 2 bedrooms

  30. Scribby November 17, 2012 at 11:46 pm - Reply

    Kya Baat, Kya Baat, Kya Baat 🙂 🙂

    Reminds me of the rapid fire round in Koffee with Karan 🙂

    • Amit November 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm - Reply

      Hahaha! Thanks Scribby. 😀

  31. Psy November 21, 2012 at 8:15 am - Reply

    Nothing entertains English medium Indians more than bitching about their own people.

    • Amit November 21, 2012 at 8:48 am - Reply

      I am sure you too are an ‘English medium Indian’ as you can write a comment in English. If you are not, then probably you are a racist freak from some other country.
      And if you did not like the post, it will be a good idea to never return to my blog.

  32. rahul aggarwal December 3, 2012 at 1:10 pm - Reply

    lol .. loved it .. from where do you get ideas for writing such wonderful posts Amit ?

    • Amit December 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm - Reply

      Thanks Rahul. 🙂 Well, from all the great people living around me, where else. 🙂

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