We all know of the utter disdain with which the oldies refer to the new generation as – oh! Those aping west types. They cleverly forget those decades of their own affinity towards the bell bottoms, Elvis hairstyles and humongous shirt collars that resembled this fish –

trygon

Yes, we do try to be the west (which basically means USA to us) by talking in that funny fake accent and looking at them for approvals for everything from Modi to Oscars, but we do not believe that you have to ‘ape’ them to turn this country into USA. Now as our government officials prefer changing names of cities to swatting flies, consider a hypothetical situation where the name of our beloved motherland is changed to USA. Now the ‘A’ in this new USA can stand for a lot many things.

For example –

We can be the United States of Amoeba. Look at the rapid rate at which the states are multiplying. From 26 in my school days, we are now at 29. Or is it 30? And then in a very Draupadi-ish style, we share the capitals too. Chandigarh is being bedded by Haryana and Punjab since ages and now Hyderabad has joined the ranks. We have divided this whole whale of a state in two and it is impossible to find a city to create a new capital? The A for Amoeba can also symbolize the way humans divide in this country although the mode is far from asexual. Coming to think of it, we would have preferred it to be asexual. Then the girls and boys would have held hands and played ring-a-ring-a-roses without their parents fretting about the slaughter of cultural values.

We can also be the United States of Aunties. It may represent the nosy aunty brained politicians who recently arm-twisted the RTI act to save their asses. It can also represent those aunties who bully the vegetable vendor into reducing the prices by 36 paise, threaten him with dire consequences if he does not add free extra chilies to her bag and feel proud of their achievement for the rest of the day.

While we are at aunties, allow me to vent a bit gracious reader.

There is this old hag with whom we share our builder floor house. She lives in the ground floor with her husband (who has this permanent expression of shock on his face as if there is a cactus shoved up his ass), her elder son and his wife (the couple fights with the capacity of two Godzillas. The son is completely incoherent and blabbers in an alien language when he is fighting with his wife. Yes, we can hear everything) and her younger son and his wife (recently married, the couple was in a hurry to reproduce. It has just been a year and the couple already has a baby). So, this insufferable woman has a habit of coming up with brilliant ideas to piss everyone off. A few days back, she invited a few homeless local workers to create huts in an empty plot next to ours (a common sight in NCR). The plot is not hers. Her reason? She needs a new maid and she can pick one from the hut. We politely asked her to fu*k off because this is how illegal colonies flourish.

This pathetic excuse of a human being and her gang of similar creatures are also famous for poking their nose in everyone’s affairs. One night, I will don my Batman suite and hang this whole gang upside down from a high-rise.

Feeling unburdened now, we come back to the topic.

We can be the United States of Apathy, because this is what we teach our children. Nothing is more important than you, your family, your dog, your underwear and your money. Not even another human’s life. We are masters in the art. In fact the leftover compassionate people who have not yet converted should be caught and dragged into gas chambers and vaporized, just like those unnecessary Jews who lived a few decades back.

We can be the United States of Applesauce. Appreciating nonsense is one of our greatest achievements. Look at our daily sitcoms, our news channels, our politicians, our reality shows, our movies and our advertisements – everything is loaded with a slapstick sauce, laden with toppings of buffoonery, laced with layers of stereotypes and mixed with a sense of senselessness. Anything ‘normal’ is called ‘art’. We believe that fairness of the skin brings success. And we love it when SRK plays a Madrasi and licks dal off his arm.

We can be the United States of Arnab. Look at the way our own Superman Arnab singlehandedly bring the culprits to justice by his uncontrollable squeaks. Look at the way he ‘demands’ answers that make the most seasoned politicians cringe in their chairs, sweat instantly and beg for forgiveness. We can all roll at his feet and ask him to give his name to the country.

arnab

So you see, we really do not have to ape the west to be USA. We have all the right ingredients present right under our nose. All we have to do is to follow our heart, open our eyes and the path will unwrap in front of us. We are already living in USA. All we have to do is choose the right ‘A’.

Do you have any other ideas for what ‘A’ can stand for, O! Reader? I am contemplating starting a petition on change.org to amend the name of our country. Looking forward to your support.

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

50 Comments

  1. dauntlessdaisy August 2, 2013 at 8:48 pm - Reply

    hahaha….sarcasm at its best.
    Considering India is a progressive nation, and assuming that we are an awesome economy, we do have all the ingredients of becoming the next USA.
    Only if such suggestions/ideas do not fall under the IT Act and we all are jailed.
    And I would definitely sign the petition 😛

    • Amit August 2, 2013 at 8:53 pm - Reply

      Oh yes, definitely. All we have to do is to change the name of our country and we will be there. And considering the fact that we are good at changing names of cities, this should be a cakewalk.
      Thank you for your support. 🙂

  2. Maddie August 2, 2013 at 9:34 pm - Reply

    United States of Absurdity/Aloofness

    • Amit August 2, 2013 at 9:54 pm - Reply

      Good choices. Can be considered as options for the petition.

  3. Aersh August 2, 2013 at 10:25 pm - Reply

    dear god!! have a pity on my facial muscles.. amoeba, aunty, apathy and ARNAB!!! if i die laughing, its all on your head!!!

    we are so much better than the USA.. coz we are USAAAAA!!!

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 12:18 pm - Reply

      Aersh,
      You are a genius! I never thought of adding multiple AAAAs to flaunt our superiority. 🙂
      Thank you for liking the post.

  4. celestialrays August 2, 2013 at 10:38 pm - Reply

    You! Yes! Yay! – is what I’ll propose signifying the famous passing the buck attribute commonly seen 🙂

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 12:19 pm - Reply

      Ok. Right. Ahem! I didn’t get you. 🙁

  5. reekycoleslaw August 2, 2013 at 10:47 pm - Reply

    Sometimes I wonder why I’m trying to replace the A of my passport with all the monstrous As that you have just described!
    On a scale of 1 – 100 of hopelessness, I think we are already hitting 4 digits!

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm - Reply

      I say leave the A there. I bet soon you will not find the need to change it once by petition is accepted.

  6. Ashwathy August 2, 2013 at 11:06 pm - Reply

    I still haven’t got passed your description of that old hag and her family!! 😆 My my, you do have your daily dose of entertainment 😛

    • Ashwathy August 2, 2013 at 11:07 pm - Reply

      Err… got PAST!

      • Amit August 3, 2013 at 12:22 pm

        Haha! It is a torture we have learnt to enjoy. 🙂

  7. Rachna August 3, 2013 at 7:57 am - Reply

    Currently we are at Rabid States of India! Everything that can go wrong is already wrong with our country! And that aunty and her family sound like huge nightmares!

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 12:23 pm - Reply

      Rachna,
      I shudder to think what would have happened to this country if NGOs and a handful of people would not have come ahead and helped the country. Right now, it is the only ray of hope in all this mess.

  8. The Sitting Bull August 3, 2013 at 8:12 am - Reply

    Hows United States of Atrocities? Every time I go through my twitter page, or my facebook page or check the news updates on T.V. I see a new form of atrocity. Ah now I sound like my fantastic neighbors (Since you mentioned neighbors)! They love to rant about the political system, the social injustice, the bad drivers and everything else under the sun. One day I gently asked them what they were doing to change the situation (Since we are in a democracy and the people ‘control’ the change). The response I got was – We do not bribe anyone; we do not vote if we are not convinced; we do not participate in the social and religious rallies, etc. This brought a smile to my face and I replied that everyone is doing exactly that – NOT doing something and expecting the system to change. Tell me what you do and not what you shy away from doing. That was the last time I heard them cribbing!!

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 12:26 pm - Reply

      Well, I believe that if you are not participating in certain activities that harm the nation, then you are doing something. Everyone does not have the heart or the courage to leave his /her life behind and jump into social work. At the end of the day, we all have to put food on the table. So, I guess your neighbors are doing their bit in their own way. 🙂 This is just my personal opinion.

      • The Sitting Bull August 3, 2013 at 12:34 pm

        Now that you mention it, I have to agree with you. It certainly is not easy to leave a life behind and get into reforming work.

        I also must say that if one puts a little thought around it, you may never have to leave your life behind. But then, these are all uncertainties and look best when on paper in the form of a plan.

  9. alkagurha August 3, 2013 at 9:47 am - Reply

    We are United States of ANARCHY at its best.

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 12:27 pm - Reply

      A very suitable addition to the list of As.

  10. C. Suresh August 3, 2013 at 10:24 am - Reply

    Hmmm! I really can’t say I enjoyed the start of this piece – being an oldie myself. Was it really necessary for this piece to take a dig at us guys or was it some oldie against whom you decided to vent off steam? 🙂 I would have liked it better if you had at least qualified it as ‘some oldies’ – generalizing about the old is as bad as generalizing about women or races or castes or whatever.

    The rest of the piece was fun – and I’d hv enjoyed it better had I not been upset with the start.

    • AlkaGurha August 3, 2013 at 5:05 pm - Reply

      I am an oldie too. And Amit you are a part of our Senior Citizen club chaired by Rickie!.
      🙂 🙂

      • Amit August 3, 2013 at 7:55 pm

        Absolutely Alka. I remember the 30+ energy tablets that Jeetendra used to endorse. I used to laugh at him once. Now I don’t. 🙂

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 7:54 pm - Reply

      Suresh,
      Believe me, I consider myself as an oldie. I have been called Uncle too many times. I visited my college in DU a few years back and was disgusted to see the latest fashion trend that was shamelessly flaunted. See? I am even talking like oldies. 🙂
      Thank you for liking the post. I am sorry if you did not like the beginning.

  11. onehonestwriter August 3, 2013 at 12:09 pm - Reply

    Will go for United state of Arnab and vanish the aunties altogether. It is very difficult to be hilarious, sarcastic and bring out a meaningful post as well. You are exceptionally good at it. If you ever bring out a book, I am going to buy the first copy.

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 7:57 pm - Reply

      I think the surest way to get rid of the Aunties is to go for United States of Arnab. He will twist their ears and demand answers which will drill some fear in them .
      Thank you so much for all the encouragement. I am sending the book to publishers but things are not very positive at the moment. 🙁

  12. Jyoti Mishra August 3, 2013 at 6:24 pm - Reply

    haha.. USA might be lurking from behind and hitting his head on wall after reading this.. you nailed it 🙂
    Aunties, Arnab, Apathy..
    I read it twice 🙂

    • Amit August 3, 2013 at 7:59 pm - Reply

      Thanks Jyoti. 🙂 I am sure USA will wholeheartedly endorse our endeavors once they understand how much we want to be like it. .

  13. crazyambivert August 4, 2013 at 11:58 pm - Reply

    A for… Absurdism?? Given that we’re living in a public slaughterhouse, you could use Abbatoir also !! 😀

    • Amit August 9, 2013 at 9:40 am - Reply

      Yes. We are building quite a nice collection here. 🙂

  14. Roshni August 5, 2013 at 3:34 am - Reply

    Of all the A’s, it looks like Aunties is the most feared! 😀

    • Amit August 9, 2013 at 9:42 am - Reply

      I believe that if we take up the Aunties option then we can get rid of the rest of them. Arnab won’t stand a chance in front of the aunties. 🙂

  15. purbaray August 5, 2013 at 3:41 am - Reply

    Ours must be the only nation where we elect representatives to steal money from our coffers.

    • Amit August 9, 2013 at 9:42 am - Reply

      I think it is a universal problem in all the developing economies. Very sad. 🙁

  16. R's Mom August 5, 2013 at 9:11 am - Reply

    hahahahha! Amit, you are a rock star rey…you should be working for a newspaper…it would be such a delight to open the newspaper to such a delightfully sarcastic article after combating the never ending traffic of Mumbai, in the evening :):)

    • Amit August 9, 2013 at 9:43 am - Reply

      Thanks R’s mom. 🙂 Areee but I am serious! 😛

  17. Bhavia August 5, 2013 at 1:00 pm - Reply

    LOL!! Amit ji
    Arnab’s case was classic!!
    When is United States of Amit releasing? 😉

  18. Bhavia August 5, 2013 at 1:03 pm - Reply

    By the way,just noticed your header.Now a baby is sitting right in front 🙂

    • Amit August 9, 2013 at 9:45 am - Reply

      If it turns into United States of Amit, I will turn this country into a dictatorship. That is the only way to make it a better place. 🙂
      Yeah, yeah. Baby posts are the latest addition to this blog. 😀

  19. pixie August 5, 2013 at 10:12 pm - Reply

    LOL!
    Sarcasm at its best.. sigh! We do seem to be headed nowhere no? :-/
    United States of Arnab was the best! 😀

  20. kismitoffeebar August 7, 2013 at 7:20 am - Reply

    LOL at the fish-collars! 😛
    United States of Amoeba and Arnab – Hilarious! United States of Abetment as well because we all ( junta) seem to be facilitating crime in the process 🙁
    And that Applesauce thingy – Grr. Don’t even talk to me about SRK. I loved him in Swades and Chak De – he really dug his own pit with Ra One and now with that stupid express. Worse, he seems to be extremely proud of it when he speaks in Kannada and calls it “Madrasi”.

  21. paatiamma August 7, 2013 at 10:16 am - Reply

    It can be renamed as DSA -Divided States of Arnab!! United is too much sarcasm!!
    Loved reading through every bit…United States of Aunties is simply hilarious! Am rolling in my seat with laughter that my cubicle mate is ponderously looking into the sanity in the senior citizen sitting by her side!

    • Amit August 9, 2013 at 9:48 am - Reply

      No. no. it has to be United. We have to maintain a facade. That is very important. 🙂
      Thank you so much for liking the post. 🙂

  22. jojo August 7, 2013 at 11:11 pm - Reply

    How about UNITED STATES OF ARROGANTS !!
    Noone can beat us in the way we treat ourselves as special creations of God, be it on the basis of caste, color, education…the list can go on.
    By the way, thoroughly enjoyed your post. Great job!

    • Amit August 9, 2013 at 9:48 am - Reply

      That is a great addition to the As. 🙂 Spot on.

  23. Archie August 28, 2013 at 10:13 am - Reply

    United States of A******s
    From politicians to the guy who thinks it is ok to spit pan on the pavement…

    • Amit September 1, 2013 at 12:57 pm - Reply

      Haha! Yeah, that is painfully apt.

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