images from here

images from here

The Toofani Couple

A few days back I had an early morning live implementation. As my cab driver played Need for Speed on the roads of Delhi at 5.30 in the morning, I kept an eye on his nitro consumption which basically means that I was wide awake ensuring that he does not squash me in the rear of a truck. Suddenly, a car overtook us near Hyatt. I noticed that it had two toofani couples in it. Now the couple at the rear seat opened their respective windows, pushed their sorry head and torso outside and planted their butts on the windows. They then went ahead and smoked the same cigarette, passing it to each other from the top of the car. Β The eyes of my cab driver went wide while I studied them with mild amusement. I was more worried about my cab ramming into their car and the driver flying out to join them. They smoked the whole cigarette and went inside like the neck of a scared turtle. I narrated the whole incident to my team at office and one of them remarked – What’s so toofani in that? It would have been toofani if they would have exchanged the cigarette from the bottom of the car.

I guess I am getting old.

Another not so lucky Toofani couple

The same week, while returning home enduring my rickety office bus, I saw an accident on the highway. A motorbike was racing in the wrong direction (Yes! On the highway!) and rammed into an Audi. People actually stopped their cars and came out to help (Surprise!). The woman and the bike ended up between the front and rear wheels while the man was dragged to safety. Now they were not able to pull out the women because the Audi went over her. So they tried to get the Audi off the woman by picking it up. I hope she survived but the chances are slim. This happened a day before Diwali.

I wondered if I could show this whole sequence to the Toofani couple in the earlier story, would they still think what they did was cool? Would they care more for their life?

Money in the blouse

Why on earth do people keep their money in their undergarments? The other day, I squeezed myself in a shared auto, which is basically a metal entity used to carry 10-15 people crammed in a space for 6. Sitting in a shared auto will be the closest you would come to understand the feelings of Jews jostling for space in a gas chamber. So, while I shrunk my butt to adjust in the pitiable space provided to me, I saw an elderly aunty ji sitting opposite me, staring in infinity. As the auto traversed the potholed roads, the aunty ji suddenly realised that her stop was near and thrust her hand inside her blouse. After my initial shock subsided, I realized that she was not trying to seduce me but frantically searching for her purse. She fumbled her right breast first but could not place the purse. Then she took out her left Β hand and in went the right one to disturb her left asset. While all this was happening, I was obviously not looking at her but I could comprehend what was happening from the corner of my eye. Finally, she was able to find her purse that was hidden in some remote corner and the trauma ended.

I have also seen men putting hands in their underwear to take out money. Please someone tell me what is so irresistible about rubbing cash on your private parts?

Exercise in Patience

I have realized that writing a book is an exercise in patience. When you are doing research, you are impatient to start writing. When you are writing, you are impatiently waiting for the day when it will finish. When you finish, you are impatiently sending it to publishers. Then you wait very very impatiently for the publishers to respond. After a positive response, you patiently twiddle your fingers and wait for the book to hit the market. So, it you are a very impatient person, try not to write a book unless you have some sort of a mental asylum fetish.

By the way, I have started writing my second book. But now there is a kid in the equation, so it will be a while before I finish it. Deep breaths. Patience.

Mars and Traffic signals

There is a very busy traffic intersection on the highway near my home. Since the last two years for which I have been here, I have hardly seen the signal working on this intersection. Although people living in the country of Uttar Pradesh don’t believe in traffic signals and treat them the same way we treat a stray cow and beggars, I still believe that some day we will find people capable enough to mend the said signal. I know that there is some extremely complicated machinery inside it but I am sure that since we have sent a rocket to Mars now, we will be able to find people suitable to handle the neglected signal. Maybe we can consult a few top scientists at ISRO?

I usually do not write random posts but I had to share the ‘money in the blouse’ story and since I do not want to come across as a pervert, I added four intellectual stories to the post.

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

48 Comments

  1. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 at 7:53 pm - Reply

    I think the couple in the first story were quite toofani. Maybe I am growing old too! o.O
    Sad for the couple in the 2nd story…

    • Amit December 1, 2013 at 7:59 pm - Reply

      The couple in the first story was mad. Period.
      Maybe they were playing Truth and Dare but there is a difference between madness and daring.

  2. Archie December 1, 2013 at 7:54 pm - Reply

    Amit! I’m travelling to Delhi in a few days on a short vacation… Give me some tips on , well how to catch a flight back to Dubai after the vacation in one piece!

    • Amit December 1, 2013 at 8:00 pm - Reply

      Whatever you do, stay off the roads.

      • Archie December 1, 2013 at 8:03 pm

        Is there an awkward smiley face to describe what I’m feeling?

        I’ve gotto agree with Sreesha, the second couple’s accident is disturbing. I wish we would start respecting road rules. Or atleast not take such dangerous risks πŸ™

      • Amit December 1, 2013 at 8:06 pm

        Delhi is getting better because the traffic police is better there. You will be really scared if you try the roads in Noida and Gurgaon. It is a jungle out there. This accident happened on the Gurgaon-Faridabad highway.

  3. alkagurha December 1, 2013 at 8:50 pm - Reply

    Traveling on Indian roads can be a blessing for any writer – action, emotion, drama. A million stories keep unfolding.
    Aunty staring at infinity and then suddenly exploring twin peaks for money can be pretty hilarious.

    • Amit December 3, 2013 at 6:18 am - Reply

      Oh yes! Just observe the world around you and there are so many bizarre things happening right in front of your eyes.

  4. reekycoleslaw December 2, 2013 at 6:33 am - Reply

    Actually, your sexually perverted story would have been enough by itself. And I thought the era of digging for hidden treasures in the bosom was a lost art that died when my Dadiji passed away. Apparently not!
    Good to know that men are allowed to use their crotch as wallets too. Next time I have to pay 21 or 23 rupees at a toll, I am going to jiggle my genitals for those elusive one and two rupee coins. Thanks for the advice!

    • Anonymously Disguised December 3, 2013 at 3:07 am - Reply

      Now that I have seen your pics on FB (the all time partying ones), I can’t stop laughing!! err not at you but at the visuals I am forced to imagine after reading your “jiggle” comments πŸ˜†

    • Amit December 3, 2013 at 6:24 am - Reply

      I too thought that it was a lost art but we always have to remember that we are talking about the country of Uttar Pradesh which is lagging behind the rest of the world by 20 years. Bosom fumbling was pretty much the 80s phenomenon and that is where UP is right now.
      I too am thinking of keeping my money in my underwear. It will be so much fun extracting it from down there.

  5. R's Mom December 2, 2013 at 9:39 am - Reply

    Dont talk about people doing stupid stunts yaar..we have lost two guys on bikes till date on our road πŸ™ they drive like maniacs in the night at high speed πŸ™ two of them fell down and crashed their heads (without helmets!)

    and lady in blouse..well, I used to be a bit bothered earlier, but the logic for women putting purse in blouse is that incase they have no bag and they wear a saree (so no pockets) its the safest place to keep it..and you immediately know if someone touches your breasts right, so its the safest place to keep the money (thats my logic!)

    • Amit December 3, 2013 at 6:27 am - Reply

      We lose around 1 lakh people because of rash driving every year. It is insane not to follow rules but people do that thinking that they are god.
      Haha! Yeah, I perfectly know the logic but don’t you think buying a purse is a better idea?

      • Indyeah December 16, 2013 at 9:06 pm

        Congratulations !!! That is great to hear.:) Must be such an awesome feeling no?:)

      • Amit December 21, 2013 at 8:43 am

        It is! But it is such a long process. πŸ™

  6. Rachna December 2, 2013 at 9:49 am - Reply

    hahaha Why don’t I see such visuals in Bangalore? πŸ™‚ Seriously, women are still doing that? I used to find that batua tucked in the bosom so obscene from what I remember of my childhood. And yes, people are so reckless never realizing that a moment’s indiscretion could lead to a loss of lives. And, I am really curious about your new book. What is its genre? Whatever it is, I am sure by the end of it, it will turn into a parenting journal :). Good luck with that!

    • Amit December 3, 2013 at 6:31 am - Reply

      Come to my UP. You can see loads of such sights. I will also show you trucks and school buses speeding in wrong lanes. It pretty awesome.
      Well, you know I find it really disturbing that I cant put my book in a genre. But let me say that it is a thriller. I hope I am able to finish in the deadline I have set for myself. Haha! It is nowhere near a parenting journal. πŸ™‚

  7. Fabida ABdulla December 2, 2013 at 11:07 am - Reply

    I have seen women fish out currency notes from their blouses (I always feel like writing ‘blice’ instead of blouses – crazy me). I wonder what happens with those jingly coins.

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 8:05 pm - Reply

      Haha! I can’t even imagine the fate of the coins if they are placed in the blouse.

  8. Smita December 2, 2013 at 11:32 am - Reply

    hahahahaha ……good u cushioned the blouse eerrrr story nahin to aaj kal ppl are hyper sensitive πŸ˜€

    And that toofani couple? hmmm kya kya karte hain log….

    Good luck for your book…:D

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 8:06 pm - Reply

      Haan, I know. That is why I took extra precaution. πŸ™‚
      Areee it was like a mad dream. I still can’t believe I say something as stupid as that.
      Thank you! Abhi just start hi kari hai likhni.

  9. Bingo December 2, 2013 at 2:35 pm - Reply

    Well, the blouse will hold it from falling down i guess. The money I meant.
    The couple in first scene are scary and stupid.
    Whenever I open your blog, I first check whether you have changed the description from ‘trying to be writer’ to ‘writer’ or not. New year release??
    Waiting for (Anika’s latest Photo) daddy diary post πŸ™‚

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 8:08 pm - Reply

      I will be changing the description after the book comes out. πŸ™‚ No point in taking chances and then eating your words. πŸ™‚
      Thank you so much for reading Bingo.

  10. Nisha December 2, 2013 at 4:55 pm - Reply

    I have seen so many women putting their money in the blouse as well. Fortunately I have not seen that happening in our generation. Maybe the invention of a sling bag has helped πŸ™‚
    And that toofani couple.. I hate people who have no respect for their life. They totally suck. And we are in no way old!!!!

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 8:10 pm - Reply

      I would like to believe that our generation is oblivious to the art. I would be terrified if any of us catch this virus.
      I know. I hated the stunt too. What were they trying to prove?

  11. Anonymously Disguised December 3, 2013 at 3:25 am - Reply

    I had an aunt who could hide almost anything in her cleavage. I am not joking! We had seen her pull out not only money but things like handkerchieves, needle & thread, keys, pens, scrap papers, candies, toys………so many things that we believed she had a magical cleavage like those magician’s hat. πŸ™„

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 8:50 pm - Reply

      Haha! I can imagine her pulling out her luggage from her cleavage. Was she the female version of Mask? πŸ˜€

  12. themoonstone December 3, 2013 at 12:23 pm - Reply

    Ha ha ! Nowadays everybody’s ‘Toofani’ ..kyonki Dar ke aage Jeet hai.. other than poor ol’ me who’s past the Toofani stage.
    Money in the blouse is quite gross..I hate it..but I guess its practical for rural women who don’t want to have their purses picked..(and you probably need purses as well..just keep cash)..
    You know about the exercise in patience thingy.. Do you enjoy a chocolate more when you are eating it or after you have finished ? πŸ™‚

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 8:58 pm - Reply

      I think the kind of toofani that is propagated by our adverts is plain madness and somehow it makes the current lot think that it is cool to endanger their life.
      I know. It is the best place to carry money. No one will dare steal money from there. πŸ™‚
      I enjoy chocolate when I am eating it. πŸ™‚

  13. Indyeah December 3, 2013 at 8:54 pm - Reply

    lol! hilarious story! yeah the cleavage as a storehouse for all sorts of things has always puzzled me. safety of monies comes first I guess. πŸ˜€ though the way you describe it (and of the men too) it is even more blech sounding… yeah yeah good you added some other stories to hide the imagery of this one πŸ˜€
    btw which book? first waali kaun si? o.O

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 9:01 pm - Reply

      Imagine when all this happened in front of me. It was one tough day. πŸ™‚ I had no idea where to look.
      I have written a book and it has been accepted by a publishing house. πŸ™‚ Hopefully, it will be out by the end of next year. You can read about it here – http://mashedmusings.wordpress.com/2013/02/03/novel-updates/

  14. fakeindianbbahu December 3, 2013 at 9:16 pm - Reply

    Chaddi mein paisa…yucks…I seen many old and bold who say we jeans wearers are obscene. ..and they do all interesting things with chaddi and bra…in public

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 9:08 pm - Reply

      Jeans and Top/shirt are definitely more civilized. Wallet and purse and bags have replaced chaddis and blouse. What can be more progressive?

  15. Gopa dhar December 3, 2013 at 11:56 pm - Reply

    Money in the boles ,everything comes out but the pouch!

  16. Gopa dhar December 3, 2013 at 11:56 pm - Reply

    Sorry blouse

  17. Deepa December 4, 2013 at 7:55 am - Reply

    Boy, sarcasm’s running high! πŸ˜€ I don’t know what’s up with people not valuing their lives. I see snippets of it every single day. The way they fall over each other to board an already packed running train, the way they jump up on the divider and then jump back down to cross over to the other side – even as an accident occurs every other days and lives are lost, the way bikers perform racing stunts on highways leaning over and swerving like hell. I don’t know why people think it’s not important to value life. Sometimes I feel like grabbing a person by their shoulders and shaking them hard. Funny on the blouse thing, still makes me squirm every time and it’s not very rare (not very often either) with fisher-women or tradeswomen on the trains! PS: (Pervert! :P) Hehehe!

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 9:28 pm - Reply

      I agree Deepa but the examples you have mentioned are because of bad infrastructure. The transport system have not grown in proportion to the populations. People have to work and put food on the table. They have no choice but to get on that crowded bus or train.
      But yes, there are some that put their life in danger just for the fun or it without realizing that what will happen if they lose it.

  18. pixie December 5, 2013 at 11:01 pm - Reply

    The couple in your first story were toofani!! Don’t worry – you have company who think as you do! πŸ˜€

    And the whole – keep money in your blouse thingy is something I have never ever understood. It creeps me out to see men and women removing money from their private parts!!!

    All the best for the second book… πŸ™‚

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 9:29 pm - Reply

      I think they were idiots. I find that toofani advert idiotic too. πŸ™‚
      Thanks Pixie!

  19. latha December 7, 2013 at 2:20 am - Reply

    LOl……shhhh..I am still laughing..I would feel so uncomfortable when women used to do that…gladly, I haven’t encountered men doing it..gosh..and the accident, that’s a very sad thing to happen. With my last India trip, I am terrified to go anywhere. My heart comes into my throat when I see the speed of vehicles on highways…:(

    • Amit December 7, 2013 at 10:20 pm - Reply

      I have seen men doing this as well. Some of the men wear these huge home made underwear which have this huge pocket to keep money and other valuables inside it. Sometimes the hand goes in and it takes some time for them to fish out the correct item.
      And about driving – We don’t drive. We play video games thinking that we still have two more lives to go.

  20. kayemofnmy December 12, 2013 at 11:50 am - Reply

    I think it might be a ruse by old ladies to prevent purse snatching. Congrats about your book. May you sell a million copies.

    • Amit December 16, 2013 at 6:44 pm - Reply

      Yes, it is a very traditional thing. πŸ™‚
      Thank you! I wish to be a good writer who is also famous. πŸ˜›

  21. Carvaka January 30, 2014 at 3:08 am - Reply

    Cleavage is the oldest wallet of all. Chaddis are not nearly as efficient, but you can’t blame men for trying. πŸ˜€

    • Amit February 1, 2014 at 9:36 am - Reply

      Oh yes, Chaddis are not that efficient. You still need some sort of a pouch there. πŸ™‚

  22. nitin February 10, 2014 at 7:48 am - Reply

    in noida, u cn see all four signal turned red together and then green together :p :p happens many time at sec 57 signal :p :p

    and in Ggn, Fdbd highway, try to sit in Haryana roadways which is goin via “pahadi wala rasta”, they drive with one hand on that road :p

    • Amit March 15, 2014 at 1:31 pm - Reply

      I know what you mean. UP is freaking scary. πŸ™‚

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