Television is not for me. There is a reason why a) it is called an Idiot box and b) the people who sit in front of it are called couch potatoes. Considering the fact that the whole concept of cable television works in India because of over dramatized revenge soaps where mother-in-law and daughter-in-law fight it out like angry birds and because news channels have the capability to freak you out for even the most mundane of headlines like a cat stuck on a roof, I prefer to keep my television switched off.

A few days back Geet was off to her mother’s house for a few days as my sister-in-law is here. I had ample time to stare at walls when I realized that the flat screen in my room was buried under a pile of dust due to lack of attention. You see I have three flat screens at home. Two of them are very happy as my mom, dad and sis are always keeping them busy. Dad watches Discovery channel (he loves to watch deer torn apart by all those lions), Food Food (so that he could justify that excessive red chillies in food is good for health), movies (Singham, Ready, Housefull); mom watches her daily soaps (and then complains that they are really irritating), Hindi news channels (especially the ones which show horoscope and Feng shui. She has a diary in which she keeps notes to experiment on us later); sister watches Hollywood movies of any kind. And they all watch Dance India Dance Little Masters, where Mithun Da makes faces as if he really needs to go to the loo and has been forced to sit and comment. That is why he has no words most of the time and all he does is get up and salute which is basically a way to pass out some gases.

So one day as I was following the trajectory of a mosquito in my room, my eyes accidentally went on my TV as theΒ mosquito flew near it. I reluctantly opened the drawers and dug out the remote. I almost gave up as it was taking too much time. Archeologists dig out lost cities more quickly. Anyways, I switched on the television and went through some random channels –

  • A guy was selling shoes. He was holding them in his hands and telling about their advantages. He sounded desperate. And I went – the recession has been really bad this time.
  • A Bollywood song where the actors were gyrating and semi copulating as they expressed their feelings.
  • A random snake killing a random frog
  • A news anchor having intense debate with six important people and all of them speaking at once like kids in a play school.

It was something like-ish this

Then I switched to Star Plus where MasterChef Australia had just started. They had already selected their top 24 and were into the real game. I gave it a try and I have been hooked from two weeks now. Sometimes I find it a bit over dramatized but what I really like is what they cook. Let me confess that I cannot place 90% of the ingredients, but the technique, plating and the colors of the dish are amazing. By the time it ends, my room has almost drowned in my drool.

The other day, I got up really late and went in the kitchen to cook my breakfast. I had this huge MasterChef hangover and started behaving as if I was cooking for immunity. I took out onions (already sliced and kept in the refrigerator by the maid), 1 tomato and 1 potato (already boiled by mom) and two eggs. I sliced everything which was not already sliced and put it in the pan with a dash (chef-ish language here) of oil. Then after a few minutes when I was very sure that everything was on the verge of burning, I added the eggs and made a circular thing. I broke the formation when I tried to flip it but then I told the cameras that I have to re-style the dish a bit because the circle was not perfect and i was not happy with it.

Finally I got crispy scrambled eggs with a bit of fried onions, tomatoes and potatoes. I imagined the judges tasting it and hugging me with tears in their eyes.

I would like to watch this season but I am not sure. Monsoon has started and the shithole that Gurgaon is, we have horrible traffic jams here and I might not reach home by 9 pm most of the times. I hope my television is praying hard and god loves him enough. I don’t want him to wither away and fall off the wall.