Television is not for me. There is a reason why a) it is called an Idiot box and b) the people who sit in front of it are called couch potatoes. Considering the fact that the whole concept of cable television works in India because of over dramatized revenge soaps where mother-in-law and daughter-in-law fight it out like angry birds and because news channels have the capability to freak you out for even the most mundane of headlines like a cat stuck on a roof, I prefer to keep my television switched off.

A few days back Geet was off to her mother’s house for a few days as my sister-in-law is here. I had ample time to stare at walls when I realized that the flat screen in my room was buried under a pile of dust due to lack of attention. You see I have three flat screens at home. Two of them are very happy as my mom, dad and sis are always keeping them busy. Dad watches Discovery channel (he loves to watch deer torn apart by all those lions), Food Food (so that he could justify that excessive red chillies in food is good for health), movies (Singham, Ready, Housefull); mom watches her daily soaps (and then complains that they are really irritating), Hindi news channels (especially the ones which show horoscope and Feng shui. She has a diary in which she keeps notes to experiment on us later); sister watches Hollywood movies of any kind. And they all watch Dance India Dance Little Masters, where Mithun Da makes faces as if he really needs to go to the loo and has been forced to sit and comment. That is why he has no words most of the time and all he does is get up and salute which is basically a way to pass out some gases.

So one day as I was following the trajectory of a mosquito in my room, my eyes accidentally went on my TV as theΒ mosquito flew near it. I reluctantly opened the drawers and dug out the remote. I almost gave up as it was taking too much time. Archeologists dig out lost cities more quickly. Anyways, I switched on the television and went through some random channels –

  • A guy was selling shoes. He was holding them in his hands and telling about their advantages. He sounded desperate. And I went – the recession has been really bad this time.
  • A Bollywood song where the actors were gyrating and semi copulating as they expressed their feelings.
  • A random snake killing a random frog
  • A news anchor having intense debate with six important people and all of them speaking at once like kids in a play school.

It was something like-ish this

Then I switched to Star Plus where MasterChef Australia had just started. They had already selected their top 24 and were into the real game. I gave it a try and I have been hooked from two weeks now. Sometimes I find it a bit over dramatized but what I really like is what they cook. Let me confess that I cannot place 90% of the ingredients, but the technique, plating and the colors of the dish are amazing. By the time it ends, my room has almost drowned in my drool.

The other day, I got up really late and went in the kitchen to cook my breakfast. I had this huge MasterChef hangover and started behaving as if I was cooking for immunity. I took out onions (already sliced and kept in the refrigerator by the maid), 1 tomato and 1 potato (already boiled by mom) and two eggs. I sliced everything which was not already sliced and put it in the pan with a dash (chef-ish language here) of oil. Then after a few minutes when I was very sure that everything was on the verge of burning, I added the eggs and made a circular thing. I broke the formation when I tried to flip it but then I told the cameras that I have to re-style the dish a bit because the circle was not perfect and i was not happy with it.

Finally I got crispy scrambled eggs with a bit of fried onions, tomatoes and potatoes. I imagined the judges tasting it and hugging me with tears in their eyes.

I would like to watch this season but I am not sure. Monsoon has started and the shithole that Gurgaon is, we have horrible traffic jams here and I might not reach home by 9 pm most of the times. I hope my television is praying hard and god loves him enough. I don’t want him to wither away and fall off the wall.

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

26 Comments

  1. debajyoti July 11, 2012 at 12:21 am - Reply

    the dish on the image looks awesome!! good job πŸ™‚

    and now i know why Mithun Da stands up after every 5 minutes πŸ˜€

    • Amit July 11, 2012 at 1:07 am - Reply

      Well, it was quite similar. So thanks. πŸ™‚ I know I might have given an impression that I cannot cook to save my life but I am a good cook. At least I think that. πŸ™‚
      Yes, now you know. You must closely see the expressions on the people sitting behind him. πŸ™‚

  2. Indian Homemaker July 11, 2012 at 3:31 am - Reply

    πŸ™‚ And I am addicted to news channels and arguing important people πŸ˜€

    • Amit July 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm - Reply

      Well, I too try to catch up on Saturdays and Sundays, otherwise I am too stressed out to get more stressed. πŸ™‚
      But I do read the newspaper every day.

  3. pixie July 11, 2012 at 11:34 am - Reply

    niice!! πŸ™‚
    I love Master Chef! And these past couple of weeks I have been addicted to the TV!! sigh…

    • Amit July 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm - Reply

      Me too. πŸ™‚ But I am not addicted. Not yet. πŸ™‚

  4. R's Mom July 11, 2012 at 12:50 pm - Reply

    I love masterchef..but see it only on Fridays..the other days the brat ensures we are off to bed at 9 πŸ™‚

    • Amit July 11, 2012 at 12:57 pm - Reply

      Welcome back! πŸ™‚
      You are off to bed at 9? Hahaha! And when do you wake up?

      • R's Mom July 12, 2012 at 1:32 pm

        at 4.30 πŸ™‚ The husband leaves early for work at about 6 ish..so the good wife that I am, I get up early and make him dabba and all that πŸ™‚

      • Amit July 12, 2012 at 1:41 pm

        I leave for work at around 6.45 and I find it too early. 6 is crazy early. If I ask Geet to make dabba for me this early, she will ask me to buzz off. πŸ™‚ Anyways, Mom makes dabba for me and Geet even when we have asked her not to take the pains to get up so early. She is Mother Earth in human form.

  5. Ashwathy July 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm - Reply

    ROFL @ description of news channels and the shows in it!! But then I’ve already told you I love the way you elaborate these things! πŸ™‚

    I am hooked to MasterChef Australia on most days, but on many days I arrive late missing more than half the show. It’s totally addictive. πŸ™‚ I’ve tried watching the Indian and American version of the show, and found that they both lack the feel the original one.

    If you don’t mind trying out crime serials, try watching Criminal Minds… the new season is starting 10pm on Star World from Monday onwards. It’s a good watch. I watched it once and got hooked ever since.

    • Amit July 11, 2012 at 7:16 pm - Reply

      Thanks Ashwathy. πŸ™‚
      I haven’t mised it yet but I am sure the monsoon will try its best. I have the experience of being stuck in a jam for 7 hours, so I will not be surprised.
      I haven’t seen the American version but I did watch a few episodes of the Indian version. I stopped after a few episodes. I became suspicious that Ekta Kapoor’s team was writing its script.
      Nah. Crime serials are not for me. πŸ™‚

  6. Very Serious Black July 11, 2012 at 3:59 pm - Reply

    so thats why mithun da keeps standing up!
    and the dish looks delicious! you should participate in masterchef india πŸ˜€

    • Amit July 11, 2012 at 7:17 pm - Reply

      Yes, yes. That is the only possible reason I could think of. πŸ™‚
      Now I am sure you too are a bad cook. πŸ˜›

      • Very Serious Black July 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm

        as a matter of fact i’m a great cook! no one can boil eggs and make maggi better than me! :p

      • Amit July 13, 2012 at 1:42 pm

        Well, it boils down to how much you can experiment and you can have loads of experimenting with Eggs and Maggi. So, I take your word for it. πŸ™‚

  7. metherebel July 11, 2012 at 7:00 pm - Reply

    How on earth can you think of things like “following the trajectory of a mosquito…” , “Archeologists dig out lost cities more quickly”. I love the way you describe things πŸ™‚

    I haven’t watched ‘Masterchef Australia’. But I have watched the Indian version of it. The tragedy is that the cookery show also looks like a TV soap. The contestants talk more about their personal life. There was one single mother, a divorcee fighting for the custody of her kids, a martial art instructor who is there to fulfill his father’s dream and so on. They cry loads just like those TV actresses.

    I too watch DID Little masters and cry when the kids get eliminated (ok.. ignore the crying part). Thanks for letting out Mithun Da’s secret πŸ™‚

    • Amit July 11, 2012 at 7:20 pm - Reply

      Thanks metherebel. πŸ™‚
      I stopped watching the Indian version after a few episodes. Too much drama on it. Can’t stand people crying to come first on a cooking show, in fact on any show. It’s too stupid.
      You are welcome! πŸ™‚

  8. Visha July 13, 2012 at 2:44 pm - Reply

    ROFL for that bit about Mithun..OMG..that must be the only reason he gets up so often no πŸ˜†

    Ah..you too got the Masterchef hangover?? Chalo, kuch to kalyan ho raha hai iss yug mein πŸ˜€

    You always have youtube, if you missed any episode πŸ™‚

    • Amit July 13, 2012 at 2:50 pm - Reply

      πŸ™‚
      Every time all he does is – gives a stupid expression. Then he goes – what can I say! Then he gets up and salute. I think he is the only guy on the show who is not required there. πŸ™‚
      YouTube in India is like an elephant with a broken leg. It doesn’t move. πŸ™‚

  9. Archie July 29, 2012 at 8:46 pm - Reply

    Top Chef, Master Chef, Cake Boss… Sigh! Addicted is the right word for me πŸ™

    • Amit July 30, 2012 at 12:32 pm - Reply

      Me too. I am following it religiously. πŸ™‚

      • Archie July 30, 2012 at 12:35 pm

        I’m one step ahead of you. I downloaded the entire Cake Boss Series and had a marathon. It kind of cured me of the show. Now it is back to rationed episodes of Top Chef!

      • Amit July 30, 2012 at 12:37 pm

        *sucks a lot of air in shock*
        And all I am doing is making Chinese. 😐

  10. Anonymous September 7, 2012 at 10:25 am - Reply

    hi buddy… it was really ncie to read this.. as it was a well woven article..
    i loved reading…. u…

    • Amit September 7, 2012 at 11:06 am - Reply

      Thanks Anonymous. πŸ™‚

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