Cucumber face

Forrest Gump once said – Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

I beg to differ. There are no horrors in a box of chocolates.

Life is like a men’s beauty parlour. You never know what unimaginable activity is going to hurt your eyes.

Now there is drama in this. A box of chocolates is all too sugary, just like rose-tinted glasses.

Here is the secret. I have been to one of those….places. But I swear on my virgin eyebrows that it was the first and the last time, largely because of the eye-popping climax.

*Flashback. Misty eyed. Looking at the distant past with Aamir’s Satyamev Jayate look*

I was about to get married in five days. My mom, in a sudden urge, captured my face with her fingers and looked intensely at it. I felt like a fish, spluttering helplessly in an eagle’s claw.

“Too many whiteheads! You have to go to the parlour. I want you to shine.”

“Over my dead body”, I said.

If I have not clarified this before, let me pause and take this opportunity to clear out a few things. I am a guy. Guys do not go to beauty parlours. Period.

My sister joined the chorus basically because she was having fun on my expense. So, I was pushed into having a five day course at a nearby Men’s parlour with a completely forgettable name and an ugly owner who could have used some of the parlour’s services.

One of the activities

Everyday someone would drop me there and then pick me up in an hour. What I witnessed in those five days was a revelation. I told the guy who was attending me to do whatever he wanted because I was least interested and was about to close my eyes for an hour. He smiled and bombarded my face with one cream after another. Packs and massages rained down, sometimes followed by a lot of steam from what looked like a spare part from an alien spaceship. For five days, there were cold and hot sensations, stinging, steams, sprays and god knows what. I behaved like a patient in coma. The only time my eyes popped out of their sockets was when he applied a green cream which looked like fluorescent poop and felt like needles. I asked him to immediately remove it before he turns me into carrot and himself into a pulpy mass of flesh and broken bones. His fingers revolving on my cheeks was bad enough.

What really got my goat was that the parlour was chock-a-block with boys and men. To be honest, I did peek around to satisfy my urge to understand the need of existence of such a place. There were men discussing face packs and hair colours, waxing their arms and legs, getting their eyebrows done, replacing eyeballs with cucumber and getting a haircut which took hours to finish and hard to spot. Sometimes, I felt like sitting at one of those unmentionable places with red bulbs where people do inexplicable stuff. This was way off my radar of comprehension. This was a really bad dream. My eyes hurt.

Oh! The climax! I almost forgot. On the day of my marriage, when my face was finally revealed in the unnecessarily huge mirror shimmering with the shiny teeth of my attendant at the background, I could hardly make out any difference, except that I was a bit whiter. I guess, that was the whole idea of clogging me with all the creams. I sighed and gave him the remaining amount from my pocket. He asked me to wait and picked up a glittering tube-ish thing from his stuff and started applying it on my lips.

“Err..what is this?”, I asked a bit alarmed and looked all around to make sure no one saw what was happening.

“This will make your lips look red.”

The first thing I did after paying him and coming out of the parlour was to spit and hastily rub my lips with a handkerchief before anyone saw me and start rolling on the ground laughing his head off. Then I inhaled deeply. I felt like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, finally free after digging a long, painful tunnel and swimming in a glittering, red sludgy liquid.

Nothing so dramatic!

Everyone at my home recognised me. I was not expecting to do a Jassi on them anyways.

*Flashback over. Eyes closed after the painful remembrance*

Well, that was then. I have never felt the need to dwell near any such establishment. The taste of that glitter still haunts me. Forrest Gump was wrong. None of the chocolates would have tasted this bitter.

Life is definitely like a Men’s beauty parlour – sometimes like the pain of seeing a man waxing his arms and sometimes like a cool facemask outlining a moustache.

2017-11-11T00:38:42+00:00 Tags: , , , , , , , , |

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

24 Comments

  1. debajyoti May 11, 2012 at 2:01 am - Reply

    eyes also pop out when they produce the bill. well i have visited parlors a few times for hairdos which my local barber could have done for 1/20 th of the price.

    enjoyed reading the post 🙂

    • Amit May 11, 2012 at 2:02 pm - Reply

      Haha! Yeah, I too visit Habib’s for a haicut and I still find it very expensive but then it’s better than the local barbers who always turn my head into a mushroom, no matter how many times I explain to then what I want. But then it’s strictly for a haircut. If I have to apply a facial, I will lock myself in my bathroom and do it. 🙂
      Thanks for reading. 🙂

  2. Indian Homemaker May 11, 2012 at 2:21 am - Reply

    I kind of feel the same way about this. But I know men and women who feel good after these treatments – what I like is that now even men have the options available (if they wish to avail of them).

    • Amit May 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm - Reply

      I guess guys feel more elated after such treatments. It’s as if they have achieved nirvana.
      Yes, it’s good that such options are available.

  3. StyleDestino May 11, 2012 at 4:02 am - Reply

    Lol,, love the analogy ‘men’s beauty parlour’. 😉

    • Amit May 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm - Reply

      Thanks and welcome here StyleDestino. 🙂

  4. Priya Sreeram (@priyasreeram) May 11, 2012 at 10:15 am - Reply

    ROFL -especially amusing was the line- Everyone at my home recognised me ! gee

    • Amit May 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm - Reply

      🙂 Thanks Priya.
      Yeah, I was expecting a dramatic change. I was disappointed. 🙂

  5. Ashwathy May 11, 2012 at 7:23 pm - Reply

    I would NEVER ask any man to wax himself. Not my father, bro, or husband. Or anyone else. Not unless…well… he looked like Anil Kapoor Part 2 😛 😀

    • Amit May 12, 2012 at 11:48 am - Reply

      A lot of guys go for waxing after building their body so that the cuts are visible. Well, its a personal choice but I have seen chubby guys go for it too. 🙂

      • Ashwathy May 13, 2012 at 2:57 am

        So that the cuts are visible? 😯 Whatever for?
        So that they can fool ppl into believing they beat up somebody? 😛

      • Amit May 13, 2012 at 12:38 pm

        No! It’s a guy thing. Similar to girls trying to have a curvy figure. 😛

      • Ashwathy May 14, 2012 at 12:52 am

        Ok. Whatevs! 🙄

      • Amit May 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

        Haha! 😀

  6. Jasmeet Kukreja May 14, 2012 at 12:17 am - Reply

    hey it was fun read …:D

  7. […] Life is like a Men’s Beauty Parlour – Amit Rate this: Share this:MoreLike this:LikeOne blogger likes this post. This entry was posted in Indian homemaker and tagged cat, Photograph, Sher Khan, style, The most stylish cat in the world, Thursday Challenge by Indian Homemaker. Bookmark the permalink. […]

  8. Pooja May 22, 2012 at 3:12 am - Reply

    fun as usual 🙂 love ur blogs amit!

  9. Reema June 18, 2012 at 5:41 pm - Reply

    you went to parlor for 5 days daily?? :O :O D just went on the day of reception and got a “gold” facial (dont ask how yellow he was looking after that :D).. his cousins had fun at his expense and I think its the last time he stepped into a parlor 🙂

    • Amit June 18, 2012 at 7:16 pm - Reply

      Yes I did and it was a nightmare! I promised myself that I will never step there again. 🙂

  10. Soham August 15, 2012 at 5:42 pm - Reply

    Terrific one…Absolutely amazing 🙂

    • Amit August 15, 2012 at 6:51 pm - Reply

      Thanks Soham. 🙂

  11. Malyaj November 10, 2013 at 8:05 pm - Reply

    Great post ! I usually get face massages only – very relaxing 🙂

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