Some things are more complex than the relationship between powerful and power-hungry nations, more mind-boggling than unravelling the secrets of the Universe and more insane than the fabric of our societies.

If you have ever gone shopping with a lady, you will understand my point – that nothing can be more intricate than accompanying a woman to shop and it needs perseverance of a monk and heart of a samurai.

It’s a delicate subject. I would not remotely imagine offending a lady with my crude tips but it’s an art every man needs to learn. There are games within games. Chess moves you have to understand. It’s bloody difficult, I know, and hence I have come up with this tender guide so that the men could at least try.

  1. Breathe. It will ease the pain.

You will feel very anxious when you will realise that it is going to be a long day. Take a deep breath before you enter the mall. It helps. Inhale loads of air and look at the Sun. God knows after how long you will see it again. Even if you don’t believe it, keep telling yourself that things could have been worse.

  1. Keep smiling. Curb all your feeling bordering strangulation.

The lady will have a tendency to put every dress/top/overcoat/jumper etc on her torso, flash all her teeth and go – “How do I look honey?” You will need to steel your heart at that moment. “You look amazing!!!” Smile. Breathe. Imaging a punching bag. Punch it hard.

  1. Don’t stare at other women. Ever.

Not even at the posters, especially the lingerie ones. You will find many attractive women roaming around. Don’t make the mistake of drooling over them. Your lady might buy more to take revenge and you are giving her the perfect excuse on a platter. Even if you stare and she catches you, make an excuse like – “Did you see that walking scarecrow?”

  1. Play an action game while she is in the trial room. Try Mortal Combat.

This will act as the perfect stress buster. Kill some enemies. Bathe in their blood. Depending on your monetary target (see point 10), smile/Ughh!! at her dress when she comes out of the trial room, and then go back to the killings.

  1. Keep something to eat so that you don’t starve.

Keep a chocolate or something in your pocket for pity’s sake before your stomach growls and scare half of the ladies away. The men with them might kiss your feet for this favour but that won’t help you, will it? Your lady will turn absolutely ruthless once she is on the prowl and you might have to skip lunch. She will keep on saying – “I am stahhrrvving” and keep on shopping as if she is suffering from short-term memory loss like that guy in Memento. Don’t try your luck too hard.

  1. Don’t stop her from picking something. It’s Futile.

You must know by now that saying something like – “This probably won’t look good on you” will have the exact opposite effect. She will pick it up, turn it both ways and say – “Let’s try and see.” You might have better chances at surviving a pack of sharks than making a success out of this foolhardy crappy one liner.

  1. She might buy a handbag instead of a bra. Get used to it.

A friend of mine told me once that he went with his wife to buy a sofa and came back home with a pair of bathroom slippers. Yes, she is like a lightening bolt. You will have no idea where she will fall.

  1. It’s not over till she has the receipt.

She might try her new clothes at home again and not like them or would like to get a smaller/larger size or a different colour. Now you have already sacrificed your Saturday and you can visualize your Sunday going down the drain too. Try the following – a) burn the receipts or b) swallow them with a glass of water or c) make her look at the beautiful sky and throw them out of the car. Also, praise her as her humble admirer when she tries the clothes at home.

  1. Never Ever forget your credit card at home.

If you tell her that you have forgotten your card at home it will be you who will have to drive all the way back to get it while she shops around alone. Don’t even try to get around that one. In addition, she will keep reminding you how callous you are becoming. She will sulk even after you get the card and there won’t be any sex for a few days.

  1. All clothes above a monetary target are ugly

You know how much you can spend. Keep doing the calculations while she picks up the clothes and try them on. Keep smiling and encouraging her. The moment you hit the ceiling, start making ugly faces at the rest of the clothes. No, she won’t think that you are a retard. You were smiling earlier, remember? That will work in your favour. Since you were encouraging her earlier, she will be confused now. Very Confused. You can even alternate between “This is great!” and “This is shit!” so that she doesn’t smell anything fishy. Finally, if you are lucky and clever, she will be left with the clothes within your budget.

 So this is it. Go. Try. Implement. Fall. Rise. Fall again. Rise again.

Play well.

(images from – http://hiddenplaygrounds.blogspot.in/2011/11/shopping-men-vs-women.htmlhttp://festivalsadvices.com/christmas-shopping-women/http://gamerant.com/top-10-mortal-kombat-characters-benk-78857/all/1/,

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

47 Comments

  1. Rajneesh March 21, 2012 at 1:47 am - Reply

    i loved it…… So good and so true..:-)

    • Amit March 21, 2012 at 9:16 pm - Reply

      Thanks Rajneesh. 🙂

  2. Indian Homemaker March 21, 2012 at 2:38 am - Reply

    Sounds horrible!! How about simply encouraging her to shop with her friends who also enjoy shopping? I too hate this kind of shopping and would hate to be in your position 🙂

    • Amit March 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm - Reply

      Haha! As Matt said, sometimes you don’t have a choice. 🙂
      Anyways, its a fun post.
      Geet loves to shop and she has this amazing capacity but it gives us the time to roam around hand in hand. So, I am not complaining. But, yeah it’s tiring after two hours. 🙂 And she thinks I have this amazing capacity for watching movies. So we are even. 🙂

  3. Matt March 21, 2012 at 5:27 am - Reply

    Sometimes, her friends just aren’t an option and you have to step up… thank you for this, you have given hope where only darkness was prevalent…

    • Amit March 21, 2012 at 9:23 pm - Reply

      Yes, absolutely. Sometimes there is no other go.
      I am glad that I became the light at the end of the tunnel. We all are born for a purpose.

  4. Ashwathy March 21, 2012 at 6:21 pm - Reply

    Ouch! I agree with IHM…why not send her shopping with the company of like-minded people?

    Personally I don’t identify with this post at all. I belond to the rare category of women who don’t like shopping – except maybe once in a while for something specific that is actually required. My patience runs out if u have to sift through endless amounts of clothes with no ending.

    • Amit March 21, 2012 at 9:27 pm - Reply

      It was just for fun. 🙂
      I know a few girls like you who don’t like shopping. It’s a gift.

  5. Maddie March 21, 2012 at 6:43 pm - Reply

    I agree wholeheartedly. In our case though, it is reverse. It is the hubby who roams around the mall and I stand still. And no amount of convincing is tolerated. If he wants to buy the bright purple shirt, he will!! :((

    • Amit March 22, 2012 at 1:11 am - Reply

      Well, I manage to irritate Geet sometimes. If I don’t like something, I might not buy anything and come back empty handed. She finds it insane. 🙂
      And, yes, the same purple-shirt-syndrome stands for me too. If I like something, I’ll buy it.

  6. Smitha March 22, 2012 at 3:45 am - Reply

    How I wish I could shop like this 🙂 I get bored if I can’t find what I want in a few attempts – husband is more perseverant in our case 🙂 And I am the one who carries the credit card too 🙁 I can never rely on husband to remember to carry things like wallets or money 🙂

    • Amit March 22, 2012 at 12:59 pm - Reply

      Haha! That is a role reversal. 🙂
      I guess every couple is different in that sense. Geet can shop for hours and money and credit cards are always my responsibility. She then very sweetly sits through a Hollywood movie with me. 🙂

  7. Anonymous March 29, 2012 at 1:02 am - Reply

    Liked every bit of it, had a grt laugh!! 🙂
    “It’s not over till she has the receipt.” is my fav….:)

    • Amit March 29, 2012 at 1:27 am - Reply

      Thanks for liking it and welcome to my blog. 🙂

  8. abhyubats March 29, 2012 at 4:43 am - Reply

    I laughed and cried at the same time reading your post

    • Amit March 30, 2012 at 1:09 am - Reply

      Thanks for liking the post. 🙂

  9. Reema March 30, 2012 at 5:09 am - Reply

    Ek saal mein itna kuch seekh gaye?? Hahahahaha 😀
    hilarious post and looks like u have gained new readers.

    • Amit March 30, 2012 at 1:35 pm - Reply

      2 saal actually. 🙂
      Thanks for liking the post. Yeah, a few more readers and I wish I could devote more time reading other blogs.

  10. Vandana Natu March 30, 2012 at 8:23 pm - Reply

    This is post soooo good. Reminded me of my first year of marriage when I insisted my husband come for all my shopping coz “I WANTED TO WEAR WHAT HE LIKED. I WANTED TO DRESS UP FOR HIM. FOR HIS EYES ONLY” And then the futility of it all struck for the above reasons you gave 🙂 It is so much easier to shop with one’s girlfriends….but yes we still don’t forget to carry his credit card with us :):)

    • Amit April 3, 2012 at 1:38 pm - Reply

      Thanks Vandana and welcome to my blog.
      Well you could dress for him even if he doesn’t shop with you. 🙂 I think it depends on the couple. I like shopping with my wife but I do set a time limit. I can’t walk for the whole day. 🙂

  11. Happy go lucky April 2, 2012 at 9:42 pm - Reply

    ROFL!!!
    that was so funny!
    Yeah, the last one is perfect! 🙂

    • Amit April 3, 2012 at 1:38 pm - Reply

      Thanks Happy go lucky. Glad that you liked it. 🙂

  12. scorpria April 7, 2012 at 1:14 am - Reply

    i’m the kind who wants to buy a jeans/top, has a colour in mind, knows the size — so walks in, and come out in 20 mins max, with or without a pick 😀 all my friends HATE going shopping with me. I’m avoided like the plague. bah!

    • Amit April 7, 2012 at 11:27 am - Reply

      All the girls who have come here and commented seem to be your type. I am tempted to ask – which planet? 😛

  13. The British Asian Blog April 17, 2012 at 6:37 am - Reply

    I feel you failed to add a disclaimer at the beginning of this post stating in clear bold text “MEN ONLY” as the ladies who read this post, may well be up in arms.

    Sometimes I wonder if women would qualify for 8th wonder of the world?

    • Amit April 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm - Reply

      Yes, I should have! 🙂 Most of the ladies who have commented are not like the ones I have described which is good actually and which sadly disqualifies the gender from being the 8th wonder. 🙂

  14. Deboshree May 8, 2012 at 1:09 am - Reply

    Ha ha ha… this is priceless. Is it that hard, really? 😛 Anyway, even if it is, this manual ought to help many men. 🙂

    • Amit May 8, 2012 at 1:56 am - Reply

      Thanks Deboshree. 🙂
      Yes, it is very very hard and my sole purpose to write this manual was to help all the poor males out there. 🙂

  15. Jas July 15, 2012 at 6:44 pm - Reply

    Oops… I am laughing hard at your plight. Lovely writing. I have been through some of your old posts and totally envy you for such a control over words.

    • Amit July 15, 2012 at 9:03 pm - Reply

      Thanks Jas, I am glad that you liked the post.

  16. Punam J R July 16, 2012 at 2:24 am - Reply

    Ha ha ha…
    Good one..
    Well, I am like.. a slight bit different.. If i like something, it’s like in a second, and it’s bought and shopping over.. and if i don’t find what i like..i keep going on and on and on, and return empty handed..
    So, my shopping can be anywhere between half hour to 3 hours.. 🙂

    • Punam J R July 16, 2012 at 2:25 am - Reply

      AND yes, i use my own cards.. thank u very much. No one shall be responsible for my luxuries except myself. 🙂

    • Amit July 16, 2012 at 1:14 pm - Reply

      Yeah, that is how most of the girls are. Then there are some who even after liking something will spend the whole day in the mall and then at the end of the day pick up the thing they liked in the beginning. 🙂
      Oh yes, most of the girls do that nowadays which is really good. 🙂

  17. theSuda July 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm - Reply

    I have printed this post. I will circulate it 😀

  18. Bhavia August 11, 2012 at 7:02 pm - Reply

    Hmmm 😀
    I don’t have the right to comment
    Lol 🙂

    • Amit August 12, 2012 at 4:29 pm - Reply

      Finally! One normal girl! 😛

  19. wohkagazkikashthi September 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm - Reply

    Well … I found myself lucky in terms of shopping…..
    My wife and I converge at almost everything being it a dress or a sofa…..

    we buy with the most minimal time to decide… Its like being binary either 0 or 1…..

    or either we both would come out of the shop empty handed…

    I m blessed with a real gud wife….

    • Amit September 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm - Reply

      That is great. But what happpens when you are 0 and she is 1? 🙂

      • wohkagazkikashthi September 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

        Touch wood !!!!!!!!!!! such occasion had not occurred yet…..
        If it occurs…..
        both of us would not take that particular item….

      • Amit September 12, 2012 at 8:43 am

        Well, that is great. I guess. 🙂

  20. Nirvana September 28, 2012 at 10:46 am - Reply

    What can I say – at the risk of sounding like a traitor – most of it is true 🙁 .. But you know what the answer to this post is right here : http://lafemmenirvana.blogspot.in/2010/03/and-then-he-made-woman.html
    😀

    • Amit September 29, 2012 at 7:11 am - Reply

      Yay! Very few women actually agreed with me here. 🙂

  21. Latha October 5, 2012 at 7:51 am - Reply

    Hehehe…you guys have no escape….:)

    • Amit October 5, 2012 at 9:15 am - Reply

      I know. I gave up a long time back. 🙂

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