TuffyPigeon

There were times when Tuffy could not believe that he was sleeping on the road, fighting with stray dogs over tiny morsels of food. He lived in a mansion once, where everyone sang and danced, where he was once made an umpire in a game about which he had no idea (all he knew was that one of the wooden boards had a bit of chicken tikka masala rubbed on it and whenever he picked it up, everyone screamed and pointed at the sky). Those were the good old days.

Pigeon sat on a wire, curiously studying the familiar dog that gnawed at a bone near one of the huge dustbins. Even though he was dirty and his shiny white mane was hardly visible, the pigeon could not whisk away the inkling that the face was too familiar. Pigeon did not have any friends. The fact that he was white gave him delusions of grandeur. This really pissed off the usual grey pigeons and they kept him at bay. As he saw the dog, the pigeon remembered the time when he was a pet and sighed. He missed how Suman rubbed his nipples while singing. Those were the good old days.

HAHKHe flew towards the dog.

“I hope I am not disturbing you Sir but are you Tuffy?” the pigeon asked.

The dog looked up. It was days since anyone has talked to him.

“Yes, I am,” he said.

“It is a privilege to meet you sir! I am aware of your heroic deeds and how you helped Prem and Nisha in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun.”

“Wait! Are you Prem and Suman’s pigeon from Maine Pyar Kiya?”

“Yes, Sir. I am,” the pigeon said puffing his chest.

“You were quite heroic yourself. The way you helped Prem and Suman was commendable.”

“Thank you Sir. So what happened? Why are you here?” the pigeon asked. Tuffy sighed.

“Well! I got bored. It wasn’t as if I didn’t like the family but they were getting irritating,” Tuffy said.

“Tell me about it!” the pigeon said rolling his eyes.

“Their house was so bloody big and then everyone was calling my name all the time. I have had enough of running. And then they would sing like 20 songs in a day and made me dance on my hind legs. It wasn’t funny,” Tuffy said.

“I know what you mean. I loved the way Suman held me in her hands and rubbed my crotch but she would throw me in the air like 50 times in a day to send a message to Prem. They lived in the same bloody house!” Pigeon said.

“There was always a crowd in that house. It was as if a whole country was living there. And people will pull my hair, pick me up, toss me around, make me run. By the time I went to sleep at night, my muscles would be burning,” Tuffy said as a tear slip down his cheek.

MPK“I must confess something. I hated my owner. She had this permanent begging expression on her face. And the way she said Prem almost killed me. I wanted to peck out her eyes. And she was a tube light. The poor guy took her to the balcony to have sex with her and she won’t let him. She made him sing and dance till he collapsed of exhaustion,” Pigeon said.

“Nisha and Prem were idiots too. She prepared food for him, wore here fancy pink dress and when they had all the time in the world, they danced! Can you fuc*ing believe that! And her sister who fell off the stairs was another idiot. Why did she have to dance all over the house to get into a room? No one in that stupid family knew how to walk. They even danced before going to the loo. I wonder how they reproduced,” Tuffy said in disgust.

The dam was broken. Old wounds were opening.

“Are you happy now?” Pigeon asked.

HAHK2“Hell yeah!” Tuffy answered licking the bone he was holding in his paws, “Of course, I miss Nisha at times.”

“Why is that?” Pigeon asked in surprise.

“Nisha had a habit of touching me at inappropriate places.”

“Really? Suman also had that habit. She would run her hands all over me as if I was a Kashmiri shawl. Since I never had a girlfriend, this was the closest I came to having sex.”

“I don’t know. I was always aroused by Nisha. Once she wore a backless purple blouse and swayed her hips like melons tumbling off a cart. Heaven!”

“Oh! That was classic. Vagaries of the civilized world.”

“Tell me pigeon. Did you actually push that villain off the cliff?”

“I have never talked about this. Well no, I was not trying to kill him. I was trying to kill Prem. When Suman was thrown out of Prem’s house by his father, I had no idea that he would come after her. Oh! How I wanted to put my beak in his nose and pull out his brains when I saw him in the village. Even though I hated Suman’s shrivelled face, the physical pleasures she gave me were too much to sacrifice. I thought that if Prem died, she will be mine. But Alas, that idiot villain could not understand my intention. I was just trying to help him pull Prem down and he thought I was attacking him,” pigeon said with a sad expression.

“I would like to confess something too. When Nisha gave me that letter to give to Prem, I thought that giving it to his elder brother will create a ruckus and he will still marry her and make her life hell. And then she will be mine. She will always turn to me for comfort. But the fool made her marry Prem. I cried buckets that day,” Tuffy said.

As Tuffy and Pigeon were busy being nostalgic, no one noticed a tigress coming from behind. Before Pigeon could spread his wings, she landed her paw on his tail and closed her mouth over his head.

“NOoooo,” Tuffy shouted and jumped at the tigress. He did not see a blurred movement of her paw that slashed against his jaw, flinging him at a wall on his right. Tuffy slid down the wall like a dead fly.

Within seconds, the tigress was licking her claws as a few feathers slid off her mouth.

“Pathetic animals! I can’t believe someone took them as pets. Look at me! Now I am a majestic animal worthy of being a hero. I am elated that Himmatwala took me in. He is kinda sexy too. I love licking his shaved cheek,” the Tigress said fluttering her eyelashes. She then moaned and walked away to find Himmatwala.

The thought of another lick of the shaved cheek was too much to bear.

Himmatwala-New-Poster

[Images from – 1,2,3,4, 5]

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

72 Comments

  1. Jas April 6, 2013 at 11:44 am - Reply

    ha ha 😀 Brilliant Amit. Tuffy and the pigeon must be thanking you for taking up their lost cause.

    • Amit April 6, 2013 at 11:50 am - Reply

      Thanks Jas. 🙂
      Well, I am sure Pigeon is in no position to thank me. 🙂

      • Jas April 6, 2013 at 12:14 pm

        from the tummy of tigress of course 😛

  2. alkagurha April 6, 2013 at 11:50 am - Reply

    Sad, we do not know the name of the pigeon but Tuffy has been immortalized like Dhanno and David Parker.
    Enjoyable Read.

    • Amit April 6, 2013 at 11:52 am - Reply

      Yes, the least they could have done is to give the Pigeon a name instead of calling him Kabootar. That was so degrading.
      Thanks Alka.

  3. Rachna April 6, 2013 at 12:45 pm - Reply

    Yep, the animals have gone absconding now. These days we have them digitally created. And seriously, what idiot dogs they show in the movies. Mine has so much spunk and character :).

    • Amit April 6, 2013 at 3:44 pm - Reply

      Yeah. It has been a while since we have seen real animals in movies.
      Haha! 🙂 Yeah I agree. Yours is very shiny. 🙂

  4. scorpria April 6, 2013 at 1:04 pm - Reply

    Buhahahahahah…hilarious like how!!!

    • Amit April 6, 2013 at 3:45 pm - Reply

      Thanks Scorpria. 🙂

  5. Ashwathy April 6, 2013 at 1:14 pm - Reply

    Only you can think of this from the animals’ perspectives. Didn’t think you’d step into the animal…er…gratification though 😛

    • Ashwathy April 6, 2013 at 1:18 pm - Reply

      It’s funny isn’t it? How we enjoyed these movies while we were young… and then we grew older and realised so many things that were nonsensical within them! 😛

      I loved Kuch Kuch Hota Hai when I first watched it. I was 13 then. Ten years later I found a lot of scenes annoying… including the whole premise of an eight year old kid being handed the responsibility of her finding her father’s past lover. I mean what the eff?? 🙄

      • Amit April 6, 2013 at 3:46 pm

        I was watching Baazigar with Geet a few days back and we were laughing like crazy. The movie has turned unbearable now. Ditto for KKHH and HAHK. I can’t watch them now. 🙂

  6. BhavanaDiary April 6, 2013 at 1:45 pm - Reply

    My goodness..this is too good…you made my Saturday morning..
    I am laughing like madwoman. My husband got scared of my shrieks of laughter.
    uff!!
    God sent a message/energy through tuffy (somekind of light went into it isnt it? just like Krishna paramatma saving Draupadi- godly energetic lights)which almost gave it human emotions which united two cowardly people who could not express their love to the world.

    • Amit April 6, 2013 at 3:47 pm - Reply

      🙂 Thanks Bhavana for liking the post.
      Oh yes, the last scene of HAHK was a masterpiece. divine intervention via a dog. Who could have thought?

  7. afshan18 April 6, 2013 at 3:27 pm - Reply

    LOL !
    thank god U made it a tigress. If U told tiger and tamanna I would have sent a LIONESS to ur place.
    Loved this

    • Amit April 6, 2013 at 3:49 pm - Reply

      It is a tigress in the movie, right? I am not sure though but I wanted the tigress to flutter her eyes in the end. 🙂

  8. reekycoleslaw April 6, 2013 at 3:57 pm - Reply

    Hehhehhe…by God, the two most gnawing movies of all time!
    But why didn’t you address Pigeon by his real name? Didn’t he grow up to be Himalay, that handsome fiend that Suman married eventually?

    • Amit April 7, 2013 at 8:28 pm - Reply

      What? How can you compare a beautiful white pigeon with a black hole? Himalaya was a swirling black hole that sucked Bhagyashree’s career.

  9. Nisha April 6, 2013 at 6:40 pm - Reply

    Both such amazing movies of their time. Wonder what we will say about the current flicks after 20 years. I’m sure Ra One and Jadooo will top the hate-list! To think of it, we are improving. You know, from pets to super heroes!

    • Amit April 7, 2013 at 8:30 pm - Reply

      I think we have improved. The dialogues and performances are getting realistic if you leave aside the masala movies.

  10. Punam April 6, 2013 at 6:51 pm - Reply

    Ingenious this was.

  11. umashankar April 6, 2013 at 9:26 pm - Reply

    The left-overs have a life of their own, after all! You know what, I was infatuated with Bhagyashree when that movie came out. I’d have given the most precious part of my body to be with her. A great tribute to the use-and-throw culture.

    • Amit April 7, 2013 at 8:33 pm - Reply

      You were? I never liked her mostly because of her eyes and then later because of Himalaya. 🙂

  12. Nidaa April 6, 2013 at 10:54 pm - Reply

    Ermmm… thanks for putting those disturbing images in my mind.

    • Amit April 7, 2013 at 8:34 pm - Reply

      Haha! That was a very restrained post. 😛

  13. debajyoti April 7, 2013 at 12:07 am - Reply

    i did enjoy those movies but i was young and dumb those days like everyone else. haven’t watched Himmatwala though. not sure, if i am going to watch it ever. a fun read!

    • Amit April 7, 2013 at 8:37 pm - Reply

      I think it is human to dislike a movie after a certain time because something better always comes up.
      I will never watch Himmatwala unless Sajid gives me a lakh rupees. 🙂

  14. latha April 7, 2013 at 7:12 am - Reply

    ROFL….Amit, my tummy hurts..seriously! And I can’t laugh loudly..you know why? This fan of yours comes running and if he finds me on your blog will eat my head..anyway, you made my weekend. God!! you are insanely creative..only you could come up with starbucks in heaven and this one..haha..btw, where have the animals gone seriously? Now, you know what I want to do..Watch both the movies with these commentary at the background. 😛

    • Amit April 7, 2013 at 8:39 pm - Reply

      Hehe! Thanks Latha. 🙂 I hope you were able to hide the post from your son.
      I think I have ruined the experience for a lot of people.

  15. wanderlustathome April 7, 2013 at 9:39 am - Reply

    OMG! Can’t stop laughing

  16. seena April 7, 2013 at 12:46 pm - Reply

    Amit how do you manage to come up with such hilarious post again a again! 🙂
    I watched HAHK only once long back. I never liked it much, though the movie came again and again on TV, I always avoided watching it. So I didn’t even remember Madhuri’s name in the movie, to remember Tuffy 🙂 And I just don’t like Madhuri in that purple sari and that poster leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I liked MPK though and Suman and the pigeon and the songs 🙂

    • Amit April 7, 2013 at 8:43 pm - Reply

      🙂 Thanks Seena.
      I was crazy about HAHK. I have seen it many times and I loved Madhuri in that purple saree. I was in school then so you cannot expect anything better. Also, that was the era when stupid crazy movies with Govinda and Sunny Deol were in demand. So, this was a welcome change.
      Never liked MPK though. Can’t stand Dur-Bhagyashree.

  17. Lazy Pineapple April 7, 2013 at 1:54 pm - Reply

    This is hilarious….Cannot agree more with Tuffy and pigeon :p

    • Amit April 7, 2013 at 8:43 pm - Reply

      Thanks Lazy Pineapple. 🙂

  18. Tushar Agarwal April 8, 2013 at 12:02 am - Reply

    “Fuc*ing Unbelievable”..
    Trust me, the pic is e’pic’..i wonder whether Tuffy really said it..
    u made such a wonderful post.

    • Amit April 9, 2013 at 9:05 pm - Reply

      Thanks Tushar. 🙂
      Of course Tuffy said that. See his drop-dead expressions.

  19. purbaray April 8, 2013 at 3:07 am - Reply

    Animal erotica? I am reporting this to PETA.

    Happy that Bhagyashree is spending the rest of her life in “Himalay ke god”. She was insufferable!

    • Amit April 9, 2013 at 9:06 pm - Reply

      What?!? This was such a sentimental post. Please don’t call it erotica. It had those elements but in the end all of us are animals. 😛
      Yes, she was! I think we should thank Himalaya for the untimely disaster.

  20. chaitali April 8, 2013 at 10:41 am - Reply

    hahaha really had a nice laughter 🙂

    • Amit April 9, 2013 at 9:08 pm - Reply

      I am glad Chaitali! 🙂

  21. ashreyamom April 8, 2013 at 12:09 pm - Reply

    lol.. nice that you put the pics of tuffy and pigeon.. i am just thinking of the snakes and other animals they use in the movie.. 🙂

    • Amit April 9, 2013 at 9:09 pm - Reply

      Snakes and dogs and elephants. Yes, there are so many of them who suffered. 🙂

  22. The Girl Next Door April 8, 2013 at 2:21 pm - Reply

    LOL
    You have wonderful imagination! 🙂

  23. Bhavia April 8, 2013 at 2:36 pm - Reply

    ha ha..
    kaboothar ja ja ja,kaboothar ja ja ja..

    • Amit April 9, 2013 at 9:10 pm - Reply

      🙂 The Kabootar suffered enough.

  24. Destiny's child April 8, 2013 at 3:28 pm - Reply

    Movies have got so much better now! I found the ‘dancing from one room into another part’ hilarious. That kind of sums up HAHK. 😀 I happened to watch Raja Hindustani recently, while I was travelling. It was gross. In one particular scene Karishma begs Aamir to slap her so she would toe the line! Can you believe that?

    • Amit April 9, 2013 at 9:15 pm - Reply

      Yes, the movies are much better now. If we somehow get rid of those masala movies, Bollywood is doing pretty great.
      Raja Hindustani was another crazy movie. I remember that kissing scene that was discussed as if it was the first time Indians were seen kissing.

  25. Neela April 8, 2013 at 5:15 pm - Reply

    Superb post Amit!!
    I think we should send link of this post to Madhuri and ur Dur-bhagyashri… then they will know the real reason behind these pets’ performance… 😛 btw, how did u miss that movie (i forgot name) where there is a dog who performs even better than hero.. it does all hero-giri… i guess its jacky shroff movie…

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 7:49 am - Reply

      Thanks Neela. 🙂
      Madhuri has turned into a Daayan in that Olay advert. All white and red. So I am afraid to approach her. And I have no idea where Bhagyashree is. Anyways I don’t think I am ready to meet Himalaya yet. 😛
      That movie was ‘Teri meherbaniyaan’. That was the first and the last movie of that poor dog.

  26. C. Suresh April 9, 2013 at 12:21 pm - Reply

    Wow! Amit! Now that was a laugh-a-sentence post 🙂 This way you could probably write a whole humorous novel with the ‘Devar’ films of the Tamil movie-world 🙂

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 7:50 am - Reply

      Thanks Suresh. 🙂
      I have no idea about the ‘Devar’ phenomenon prevalent in Tamil cinema but maybe you can do a post to enlighten me. 🙂

  27. thoughtsrantsrambles (TRR) April 9, 2013 at 1:56 pm - Reply

    OMG! another gem from you. Totally loved it. I was LOLing continuously for 5 mins, and realised what I was doing only when my mom came at me with a weird expression on her face. 🙂

    Watching these movies HAHK,MPK,KKHH now is pure torture. I keep wondering how these directors/actors found the scenes soo good.

    I agree with C.Suresh. Would love to read your posts after you watch (if ever u do) all those Tamil movies with animals. Snakes,Dogs,Elephants,Doves any animal/bird can understand everything humans tell them and follow instructions to the T. 🙂

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 7:52 am - Reply

      Thanks TRR. 😀
      Yes, it is a torture now but they were a rage when they came. It shows that the world around us has evolved.
      Really? Tamil Cinema is still in that mold where animals can do all this? That sould so much like the Bollywood masala movies.

  28. kismitoffeebar April 9, 2013 at 2:24 pm - Reply

    So now I know why Tuffy gave that letter to someone other than Prem 😛
    What an imagination Sirji! Or, was it? 😛

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 7:53 am - Reply

      Yes, he was desperate. The thought of losing Nisha was killing him. 🙂

  29. kismitoffeebar April 9, 2013 at 2:26 pm - Reply

    But I must add – I loved HAHK – it was my first Hindi movie in a theatre and with cousins 🙂 The fun I had makes me rank HAHK above DDLJ. There, I said it. somehow DDLJ didn’t do the magic for me that much. Or maybe it is an acquired taste.

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 7:55 am - Reply

      I loved both the movies. If you ask me now to choose one from HAHK, DDLJ and KKHH to watch, I will probably choose DDLJ over the others. HAHK is too sugary. I feel like I have filled my mouth with 10 Gulabjamuns when I watch that movie.

  30. metherebel April 9, 2013 at 3:13 pm - Reply

    ROFL!!! Tuffy and the pigeon see you as their savior 🙂 I wonder what made you see things from the animal’s perspective?

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 7:56 am - Reply

      I have always wondered about how the animals might be thinking and hence this post. :
      Alas! Tuffy and Pigeon are dead. I will meet them in heaven one day.

  31. Giribala April 9, 2013 at 10:54 pm - Reply

    Thanks for the update! RIP, Tuffy and Pigeon! Both of them seem to have lived a long life and the tigress might have saved them from old-age sufferings.

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 7:57 am - Reply

      Yes, they must be happy that their sufferings have ended. It is not easy to see your love living happily with someone else.

  32. pixie April 10, 2013 at 7:21 am - Reply

    😆
    Brilliant and hilarious as always!! 🙂
    So, you watched Himmatwala?! :O
    that must have taken a lot of courage!! 😛

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 7:58 am - Reply

      Thanks Pixie. 🙂
      No, I didn’t watch Himmatwala. I am not that crazy. If someone gives me some substantial amount of money, then I can think about it.

  33. Saanjh April 10, 2013 at 11:00 pm - Reply

    Hahahaha….:-D
    So you were brave enough to watch himmatwala??? And you actually survived after watching it is far more commendable than writing the emotions of tuffy and pigeon…:-D 😛

    And how could you forget the oldest pet in bnollywood… Haathi mere saathi.. 😉

    PS: I don’t remember a single scene of that elephant movie, so not sure if it was eligible for discussing the seductive pleasure of being a pet or not…:-D

    PPS: I LOVED THIS POST… 🙂

    • Amit April 11, 2013 at 8:00 am - Reply

      Thanks for liking the post Saanjh. 🙂
      Areeee nahi. I haven’t watched Himmatwala. Do you think I am crazy or what!
      I have seen a few scenes from Haathi mere Saathi. It is a miracle that the elephants did not trampled Khanna Saab after watching his histrionics. I would definitely have done that. 🙂

  34. Visha April 12, 2013 at 1:56 pm - Reply

    What an ode, what an ode!!!
    Tuffy might have thought about his audition act during filming the movie and cursed himself many times as to why did he act well 😀 😀

    There is a Tamil movie, where in a gold fish brings the hero and heroine closer. It surely is a ‘finny’ tale, could join the ranks here 😆

    • Amit April 19, 2013 at 6:39 pm - Reply

      Thanks Visha. 🙂
      There was a movie about a hero reborn as a mosquito also. I wish they had used a real mosquito. Now that would have been something.

  35. The Sitting Bull April 15, 2013 at 5:04 pm - Reply

    This is absolutely HILARIOUS!!
    😀

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