Sambha perched on his rock

12 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

I have never liked Gabbar. He is filthy, does not brush his teeth and scares the bejesus out of me with his ridiculous laughter. There are times when I almost fall off the rock I sit on because he scares the shit out of me by laughing at such inappropriate times. I do not know why he has perched me on the highest rock overlooking the road to the village. Even if the police comes, they will blow the siren so loudly that it will wake up the dead. So what is the point? I feel like an idiot sitting on my ass and cleaning my rifle all day.

15 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

I do not remember the last time Gabbar cleaned his shirt. I can tell from a mile that he is approaching because of the stench that precedes him. I sometimes wonder why he needs a gang at all. He can just walk into Ramgarh and half the cattle will die instantly by the poisonous gases coming out of him and the villagers will give him anything to save the rest of the cattle. His horse goes crazy when he approaches to sit on him. The poor animal might jump off a cliff with Gabbar to finish this torture once and for all.

I wish we had perfumes and deodorants here. Even the trees are dying of suffocation.

18 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

We collected food from Ramgarh yesterday. Thakur did all his usual hanky-panky but no one cared. He is such a sorry figure ever since Gabbar chopped off his hands like carrots. Gabbar did that so neatly that I am sure there is a chef lurking in that lice infected head of his. And Thakur really needs to get loose Kurtas. *I know we are in a movie and his hands are actually not cut but he wears such skin tight kurtas that I can see his hands bulging out.*

22 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

We were so bored today. I climbed up on my rock, cleaned it with water and sat there like a hen on an enormous egg. It was very hot. Then Gabbar called me down and asked me to kill the lice in his head. So we sat like two monkeys while I plucked out and killed 46 lice from his head. Can you bloody believe that? The guy is a walking lice planet. I really wish he shaves off his beard before the lice migrate there and I kill him with my own hands. And thankfully, he took a bath yesterday after three months. That is how I am alive and writing my diary.

Gabbar was amused when I showed him all the 46 dead bodies

29 June, 1975

Dear Diary,

I can never understand why we do not have women in our camp. Dacoits in all other movies abduct and rape women but Gabbar makes us behave as if we have taken an oath to die virgins. Sometimes I feel really lonely when I see so many ugly men around me. I will wait for a good opportunity and request Gabbar to hire Helen to do a dance number for us.

1 July, 1975

Dear Diary,

One of the perks of sitting on the highest rock is that you can pee where you are sitting and no one will notice. The liquid will silently slide down the rock like a tributary into a bush. Gabbar called a meeting today. He had his belt in his hand which basically means – I will holler and you will listen. There are rumors of Thakur hiring two men to kill Gabbar. He laughed out so loud that one of the rocks cracked and fell off. One of my eardrums went numb. He has asked us to keep an eye on Ramgarh and to make a point of his notoriety, he asked me for the nth time in front of the whole gang – Arrreeee O Sambha, Kitna inaam rekhe hain sarkaar hum pe? (How much is the cash prize on my head?)

‘Pure pachhhas hajar (50,000 Rs completely),’ I replied, as if the asho*e is going to remember it. He is such a drama queen.

10 July, 1975

Dear Diary,

Today Kalia and two more comrades from the gang went to Ramgarh to collect more grains. They came back empty handed and told Gabbar that Thakur has sent a message that – Ramgarh waalon ne paagal kutton ke saamne roti daalna band kar diya hai (The people of Ramgarh have stopped providing chapaties to mad dogs). Gabbar was so angry that he was frothing at his mouth. He called Kalia – Suuar ke Bacche (Son of Pig), which really confused Kalia because he was now not sure whether he was supposed to be a dog or a pig. Then the drama queen went through all that stage act of – Kitne aadmi the (How many men were there) and all that crap and then a game with bullets and guns. I have seen this happen before so I was yawning by the time he killed all three of them.

Kalia’s soul must be really happy because he told me two day ago that he was really frustrated with the way things stood in our gang. He was assigned to dig potty pits and all such dirty work and Gabbar was not rotating him with someone else. Gabbar completely lacks managerial skills.

15 July, 1975

Dear Diary,

Gabbar says we are going to attack Ramgarh on Holi. I am happy not because we will finally get some exercise but because the villagers might throw some water at him. He is stinking again. I am happy with the exercise bit too because my arse is so hard sitting on that rock all day that I cracked open walnuts by hitting them on my butt today.

To be continued….