Dear Diary,

Anika is three months old now. She has turned into a Bonsai Sumo wrestler. The doctor says its baby fat and we should not worry much. Silly man! He should try picking her up for half an hour. I even suggested enrolling her in a gym and reducing her diet to half but everyone thinks I am crazy. No one pays any heed to her ever growing double chin and her as-thick-as-Qutab-Minar thighs. Her cheeks are like double scoops of butter-scotch ice-cream. 

I do not understand why we Indians cannot bear the sight of our crying child and rush to pick her up. Geet and I wanted Anika to have a habit of sleeping in her own cot without any assistance. Of course she cried a bit but that was natural and we had to give her some time to get used to it. Instead of allowing her to adjust to this format, the whole family (including Geet and I) rush to her aid the moment she releases a high decibel sound. Everyone is falling on top of each other to grab her, just like a bunch of zombies who have spotted a living human after months of starvation. Dear Diary, things stand at such a point at the moment that she is now unable to sleep on her own. Geet and I have devised new strategies because the put-her-in-cot-and-be-done-with-it strategy has failed miserably. 

Now there are two plans available to put her to sleep –

Plan A.  Geet does a very complex tribal dance with Anika lying in her arms. The dance has a lot of squats, jumps and swaying steps. It also includes a weird song that sounds different every time she sings it. While dancing, she looks like Neo dodging the bullets. I am thinking of gifting her with a spear on her next birthday. It will give an authenticity to the whole act.

Plan B.  I am a tyro as far as the tribal dance goes but I have devised plan B in case plan A doesn’t work. I take Anika in my arms and move her rapidly in random directions. So a typical manoeuvre will be up-left-down-right-up-up-down-30 Degrees-120 degrees-side… and so on. The immediate effect is that she feels dizzy and faints, which basically solves the purpose. Everyone in the house is amazed that I can put her to sleep in 10 minutes but they have no idea that she succumbs to a rapid change of frames. It is our little father-daughter secret.

Dear Diary,

Another splendid development in the last one month has been that Anika has started saying a very progressive word. Now I call it progressive because even adults shy away from saying something like this so frequently. The word she speaks is – Akuu. Initially I was not very sure what that meant but then one fine sunny day the bulb switched on in my head.

What she really means is – Fu*k You.

And to say that every time with a smile on her face is no small achievement.

“Anika, would you like to have some milk?”

“Akuu.”

“Anika, why are you so cranky? Go to sleep immediately!”

“Akuu.”

“Anika, why do you have to always wake up when I am eating food?”

“Akuu.”

“Anika, why do you drink so much milk and vomit it out?”

“Akuu.”

“Anika, take your hand out of your mouth immediately! Now! Now! Out!”

“Akuu! Akuu! Akuu!”

She even tell the ceiling fan to fu*k off when it fails to entertain her. She loves to watch the fan and the family rotate above her. I think she will go a long way as she has already learnt the one word that is essential for your survival in the world.

Dear Diary,

I think Anika will become a singer. Her wails are raga based. She always cries in a “Ga” moving to “Pa”, “Ma” and “Ni” rapidly. Her hands and the little fingers attached to them move like those of a seasoned classical singer as she gives her performance after staining her diaper and warn us that we better change it. It is a delightful sight. I can right away imagine her performing in an amazing concert and ending it with an Akuu to the audience. Imagine their faces! They will be shocked out of their skins.

Anyways,

I have to go now. The performance has started and it is a full house. I will have to execute Plan B very soon. 

Anika with her 2 friends. One of them works for the Queen of England.

Anika with her 2 friends. One of them works for the Queen of England.

2017-11-11T00:38:18+00:00 Tags: , , , , , , , |

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

79 Comments

  1. celestialrays August 18, 2013 at 10:13 pm - Reply

    Akuu? Really?! Hahahaha 😀
    She looks like she’s made of ice cream 🙂

    • Amit August 18, 2013 at 11:11 pm - Reply

      She reminds me of that kid in Meet the Fockers who starts saying assho*e by accident and repeats it in front of the whole family. 🙂

  2. Rachna August 18, 2013 at 10:41 pm - Reply

    ROFL at akuu! What the hell are you speaking in front of her? :). Putting kids to bed is one crazy experience. With my elder son, we tried all tribal dances, lullabies of all sorts including filmy ones, car rides, you name it. Yet, he cried incessantly for 3 hours every night after he was put to bed. And he would go to sleep but immediately wake up once put down. It was a really stressful time for us. Looks like he had colic or something. But then he got better miraculously on his own. So, do whatever it takes to get her to fall asleep. Hey, and seriously it is baby fat. Let her be! She looks so cute! God Bless!

    • Amit August 18, 2013 at 11:15 pm - Reply

      We were initially alarmed when we realized what she was saying. But then, I think it is a nice pair of words. I will ask her to repeat it in front of all those aunties. God knows they need it.
      She was Colic too during the second month but then the doctor gave a medicine and she was ok after that. This not-sleeping-routine is some sort of a sadistic pleasure that all the children enjoy. 🙂
      Thank you! Yes, she is kind of cute with all that baby fat. 🙂

  3. Bindu August 18, 2013 at 10:46 pm - Reply

    That girl is going to skin you alive when she grows up. If you are still alive when she is older, she will shower you with kisses for capturing these moments so well 🙂
    Way to go, you are learning the tricks 😀

    • Amit August 18, 2013 at 11:18 pm - Reply

      I think she will skin half the world alive. 😛
      I think she will be embarrassed when she will realize that her first word was a swearword. But then it is much more fun that way, 🙂

  4. Ashwathy August 18, 2013 at 10:52 pm - Reply

    Akuuu??? LOL! :mrgreen: She’s definitely got her priorities sorted…at this tender age! 😆

    Hmm the sleeping pattern seems like it is giving you people sufficient exercise 😛 You might want to look at some alternative for sanity. Yours, not ours. We are definitely enjoying with the entertainment derived from your blog posts! 😀 😀

    • Ashwathy August 18, 2013 at 10:55 pm - Reply

      Forgot to mention. That pic is SO adorable 🙂

      • Amit August 18, 2013 at 11:19 pm

        Oh you bet! 🙂
        Yes, I have stopped my jogging routine. I get enough exercise as it is. It is a mix of aerobics and yoga.
        Thank you for liking the post and the pic. 🙂

  5. Deeps August 18, 2013 at 10:59 pm - Reply

    Rofl! How do you know Akku is THE word she is referring to? Have you been uttering it in front of her? Bolo bolo! 😛

    I can so relate with you and Geet on devising different strategies to put Anika to sleep! I remember going through the drill with Namnam oh-so-well 😀

    And the snap that you’ve shared in the end is just so precious! Touchwood

    • Amit August 19, 2013 at 10:32 pm - Reply

      Geet and I held a meeting and we voted. It was a straight 2-0 win. This is the word. 😛
      This putting the baby to sleep is such a serious business. I am surprised that there are no courses in it.
      Thank you for liking the picture. 🙂

  6. Anonymously Disguised August 18, 2013 at 11:39 pm - Reply

    I am going all aww aww at the pic you have shared. She looks so adorable and err… (acting like all those neighbourhood aunties you love so much) Ganeemat hai ki maa ke upar gayi hai :mrgreen:

    Ha we were lucky that the brats understood very early that their lazy parents won’t pick them up from their crib. So they learnt to sleep by their own. But we are getting to know how it feels to be forced to witness a tribal dance as the couple upstairs just had a baby and the entire family (parents and two set of grandparents and some relatives) dance and scream throughout the night and then fall down in exhaustion around 4 in the morning. Needless to say this is driving us mad and when I went to request them to consider about our lack of sleep…….they almost threw me out 😡

    • Amit August 19, 2013 at 10:35 pm - Reply

      Thanks AD. We are still not sure ke wo kispe gai hai, so hold your horses. 😛
      Even my sis-in-law told us many times that either allow the child to have a habit of sleeping in the cot or be ready for the nightmare. I guess we like challenges. 🙁

  7. BhavanaDiary August 19, 2013 at 12:50 am - Reply

    ha ha ha ha,,, uff,, i could not stop laughing after reading that part where she finished her amazing concert and ending it to say ‘akuu’ to the audience.. Too good..
    This reminds me of my brother. He is 6 years younger than I am and he was mumbling ‘mandela mandela’ when he was very young. At that time I knew who ‘Nelson Mandela’ was. So maybe he was mumbling ‘mandel mandela’ during his 2-3 years I guess…
    Such a good entry for your diary :-p.

    • Amit August 19, 2013 at 10:38 pm - Reply

      Thanks Bhavana. She has started saying another word, which is Guuuuuuu. We still have to decide what that means. And she sucks her fist all day and makes those chap chap sounds. Uff!

  8. thoughtsrantsrambles(TRR) August 19, 2013 at 2:04 am - Reply

    Oh Anika is cho chweeet. She looks like Cotton candy. Ummuahs to her :-). I Lol’d so much at her “Akku”. She is such a sweety pie and she is gonna love all these notes you have made for her.

    • Amit August 19, 2013 at 10:40 pm - Reply

      Thanks TRR.
      I hope she likes them too although I won’t allow her to read this before she starts understanding what Akuu means which will be pretty soon I guess. 🙂

  9. Archie August 19, 2013 at 8:13 am - Reply

    So you have conveniently left out that you tried to teach her something and she finally started saying it? ha ha ha!
    She is adorable 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 11:18 am - Reply

      Haha! I would have waited a couple of years to teach her that but she is already too smart. 😛
      Thanks Archie.

      • Archie August 20, 2013 at 1:33 pm

        And very cute too <3

  10. R's Mom August 19, 2013 at 8:50 am - Reply

    Oh My God! Is that her….Jeez ekdum bada kala tikka..even if you dont believe in that :):)

    Since R always needed the rocking movements to fall asleep..and I used to crib..my Appa told me it was my fault..travelling by Mumbai locals all through my pregnancy..made her so used to that movement :):)

    Big hugs to the little darling

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 11:23 am - Reply

      Hehe! I don’t believe in the kala tikka but Mom did put one on her forehead. I asked her to shift it under her ear, so that I am not able to see it. 🙂
      All of us have this bad habit of rocking the baby which is not required. It is all about building a habit but we love to pick babies and roam around. 🙁
      Thanks R’s Mom. Hugs transferred.

  11. alkagurha August 19, 2013 at 8:55 am - Reply

    When you mentioned Akku, I was reminded of Meet The Fockers kid too.
    But this little angel is adorable.

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 1:18 pm - Reply

      Thankfully, no one else in the family has been able to decipher the word.
      Thank you very much Alka. 🙂

  12. Pratiksha August 19, 2013 at 10:07 am - Reply

    A great and modern interpretation of “AKKU” 🙂 made me to grin 😛 and appreciate your interpretation skills Amit 😛

    Anika is a darling, such sweetheart.. <3 she's shooooooooooooo cute 🙂 take care of her! She will indeed be grateful to you for capturing all these beautiful moments… 🙂 I would say.. dont share all such things with her when she grows up… probably you can gift her your Anika diary to her 18th or some birthday 🙂 she'll be on cloud 9 🙂 🙂 With your love and love of your readers, with so many uncles n aunties who know her so very well even without seeing her in person! it will be a priceless moment for her… I can very well imagine that moment 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 1:31 pm - Reply

      🙂 There were no skills involved. It was very obvious. 😛
      I think the children in the future will not wait till 18 to understand all such terms. But I will keep by blog a secret till the right time. There is too much about me here which I want to share with her myself.
      I believe it will be great fun to read all this 10 years down the line. 🙂
      Thank you so much for your wishes! 🙂

  13. Ms August 19, 2013 at 10:08 am - Reply

    Omg, somebody will spot you executing Plan B and faint right away! We tried many things with the first one, rocking her on our lap, walking around the flat singing off key (this routine had to be followed even when we were in the middle of a dinner party, shocking the guests into silence) and then discovering that we should stay up watching TV till the logo came on and we had run out of chips and popcorn. Then she would go to sleep. With the second one, it was ok WE are tired so go to your older sister. Payback time!

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 3:34 pm - Reply

      Sometimes she is this very sincere girl and goes to sleep immediately but sometimes she is a tornado. It is a mystery we will never be able to solve. But I must say that no matter how much drama she creates during the day, she sleeps quite well at night once she is in a deep slumber. It is the reach-the-slumber part that is difficult.

  14. Destiny's child August 19, 2013 at 10:27 am - Reply

    Akku! 😀
    She definitely knows how to have her way. We should all learn this from kids. And I have seen my sister doing the tribal dance with her baby who finally swoons asleep.

    Anika is so, so adorable. God bless her. 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 3:36 pm - Reply

      Thank you for your wishes. 🙂
      I guess everyone is an expert in various forms of tribal dances here. 🙂

  15. Ritu Lalit August 19, 2013 at 10:59 am - Reply

    Akuu!!! Where do you get these things from? ROFL! You know she’s going to kill you if she reads this when she is ten or eleven don’t you? I can’t wait for your potty training sagas. 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 3:39 pm - Reply

      Haha! I will not allow her to read this till she understands the meaning of the word on her own. 🙂 I am sure children will become mature at an early age 10 years from now.

  16. Rahul August 19, 2013 at 11:07 am - Reply

    Parenting is such a sweet challenge! No wonder the little one knows what can make you dance to her tune at a tender age!

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:32 pm - Reply

      Bittersweet, yes. 🙂 There are times when it gets very exhausting but then she gives one smile and all is forgotten.

  17. Nisha August 19, 2013 at 11:14 am - Reply

    Akuu to the audience.. hahaha!! I am sure all performers want to say that but only butterscotch cheeks will be able achieve that!!
    And the buddy that works for the Queen is hilarious!!

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:33 pm - Reply

      Thanks Nisha. 🙂 I hope she doesn’t say that unless she becomes a rock star. They can say anything to the audience.

  18. Sreetama August 19, 2013 at 12:12 pm - Reply

    Such an adorable post & picture! 😀 You should video record the tribal dance movements! 😉 Akku is hilarious! Yes, Akku to all the neighbourhood dadis! Neighbourhood aunties reminded me, don’t talk about her double chin & baby fat! Kahi nazar na lag jaye! 😛 Hugs to Anika!

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:35 pm - Reply

      Thanks Sreetama. 🙂
      Areee nahi, nazar nahi lagegi. Her Dadi puts a kala teeka behind her ear everyday. The clan is quite superstitious about it.

  19. DI August 19, 2013 at 12:39 pm - Reply

    Hello there! First time visitor (ok, second, I think I added the blog a couple of days ago) and absolutely loving it here! Anika looks like icecream alright, could we change the flavor though? Strawberry maybe?

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:35 pm - Reply

      Hi DI,
      Welcome to my blog.
      Haha! yeah, strawberry goes with the dress. 🙂

  20. mahabore August 19, 2013 at 1:52 pm - Reply

    Loved the wonderful post and the equally wonderful pic.

    And am sure that your translation of AKUU is quite apt….:D

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:36 pm - Reply

      Thank you mahabore. 🙂
      I am 100% sure. It cannot mean anything else. 😀

  21. Rekha August 19, 2013 at 2:06 pm - Reply

    Lol….I am glad there are others who do try the Plan A and Plan B. 😀
    I am so so glad that I am out of it now. 😀
    But trust me, you’ll remember all this for life and have real fun. 🙂
    Enjoy Daddy!! 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:37 pm - Reply

      I am happy too. I thought it was insane but it is very normal it seems. 🙂
      Every day comes with a new set of hilarious acts. It is a roller coaster ride. 🙂

  22. Smitha August 19, 2013 at 2:17 pm - Reply

    Lol! I can’t wait for her to grow up and read all this:)

    And your interpretation of Akuu! That was want you made of it:)

    She looks so so so adorable! Give her an extra cuddle for me please?

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:38 pm - Reply

      I hope she does not throw the laptop at me after reading this. 🙂
      Thanks Smitha. Cuddles passed. 🙂

  23. pseudomonaz August 19, 2013 at 2:34 pm - Reply

    Haha…akku… ur daughter is an entertainer. 🙂 and the pic is adorable… 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:41 pm - Reply

      Thanks Pseudomonaz. 🙂

  24. Wanderer August 19, 2013 at 3:21 pm - Reply

    I cant say enough awww over the delicious pic. Delicious yes coz she looks like a scoop of ice cream amidst cotton candy 🙂 She taught you the word didn’t you and put the blame on the poor kid who just repeated what you said? 😉
    Tribal dance, random rapid dizzying movements, or something else. Didn’t surprise me or sounded funny at all. When the task at hand is so daunting you’ll have to try whatever is in your power. I’m appreciative though, that you can put her to sleep in 10 mins. Wow! That, now, is an achievement. Kudos! 🙂 Whatever floats your boat.

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:46 pm - Reply

      Thanks Wanderer. 🙂
      How can I teach a word to a 3 month old. 😛 It came from within.
      She is basically a very quiet child. Only when she is sleepy and unable to sleep, she turns cranky. That is very natural. I can turn royally cranky in that scenario too. 🙂

  25. Maddie August 19, 2013 at 3:23 pm - Reply

    Oh she is so cute!! This is just the beginning Amit, you may think that things will get better once she grows up but trust me it only gets complicated. At this age, our only concerns are about their eating, pee and poo, the older they get, the nature of our worries change and the list only grows! There will come a time when you will think tribal dance was so easy and simple.

    Akkuu is still a good word, my son used to say “gu gu gu” and “boi boi boi” three times in a row! No idea what that meant! And I love Anika and Geet’s pics that you put up on FB! 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:48 pm - Reply

      I know! It will be more and more complicated as she grows up. I am actually looking forward to it and getting scared at the same time.
      She has also started saying Gu Gu Gu recently. God knows what that means. I think it means – just Go!
      Thanks for liking the pics Maddie. 🙂

  26. Bhavia August 19, 2013 at 4:30 pm - Reply

    Anika..your Dad is writing a humor saga about you..kick him,pull his hair and say Akkkuuu 😛 😛

    >Hugs< baby 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:51 pm - Reply

      Kicking and pulling my hair is a bit far away but I am sure she will do that pretty soon as Bhavia aunty is so encouraging. 😛

  27. shail August 19, 2013 at 5:02 pm - Reply

    I am dying of laughter, Akuu! 😀

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:51 pm - Reply

      Thanks Shail. 🙂

  28. seena August 19, 2013 at 6:29 pm - Reply

    Anika is sooooooooo cute 🙂 really loved the picture .. your photography ?
    And Welcome to the tribe Amit 🙂 I still don’t know whether my baby actually slept or fainted after getting roller coaster rides on his dad’s hands:)
    My little cousin sister’s first words were “aghoooo” 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:54 pm - Reply

      Thanks Seena. 🙂 Yes, I took the picture.
      Haha! I think most of the children faint at the hands of the adults. 🙂

  29. meghajamba August 19, 2013 at 7:13 pm - Reply

    Shez sooo cute… touchwood!
    N thanx for making me laugh aftr such a boring day at office!!
    Just loved it.
    🙂

    The tribal dance and the translation for Akku was the most hilarious part… ROFL. 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:55 pm - Reply

      Thanks Megha. 🙂 I am glad that I was of service. 🙂

  30. Corinne Rodrigues August 19, 2013 at 10:28 pm - Reply

    This is one little girl who is either going to be terribly tickled or embarrassed when she reads this a few years from now! 😉

    • Rickie August 20, 2013 at 10:42 am - Reply

      I was actually thinking the exact same thing! 😀

      • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:56 pm

        I will make sure that it is the former. 🙂

  31. Carvaka August 19, 2013 at 10:45 pm - Reply

    Ok that picture is seriously cute.. I need to eat those chubby little arms.. like now. Considering her first two words are arguably the most useful words in the english language, I think you are exceptionally good parents. Keep it up. 😀

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:57 pm - Reply

      Haha! I love pulling her cheeks. 🙂
      I think it was God’s gift that she is so talented. She picked up the words herself. 😀

  32. Roshni August 20, 2013 at 4:03 am - Reply

    The proud daddy! I can see you’re thrilled to bits with her vocabulary!
    Best of luck doing the tribal dance when she’s 4 and 5 and 6 months old! 😀

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:58 pm - Reply

      Oh yes! I am. she is picking such important words. 😛
      Thanks Roshni. 🙂

  33. Roshan Radhakrishnan August 20, 2013 at 10:41 am - Reply

    Boy. Tribal dances and Akku at 3 months… you may actually have a upcoming hiphop artist on your hands. Are you ready to be a celebrity dad?

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:58 pm - Reply

      Haha! Yes, I am completely ready. I always knew this was going to happen.

  34. Kanthu August 20, 2013 at 2:01 pm - Reply

    The day Anika reads this post you are into lot of trouble. 😛
    Good luck with the Plan B. And Anika looks so so adorable with the dolls and that dress. 🙂

    • Amit August 20, 2013 at 7:59 pm - Reply

      Haha! I will make sure that she laughs at it. 🙂
      Thanks Kanthu! 🙂

  35. Latha August 21, 2013 at 7:10 pm - Reply

    Ohh Amit!! You had me in splits, boy. You teaching her bad words? Awww…..And we all keep running to the baby because it is our first child. Everyone has that excitement..:) And she is so butterly cute…feel like pulling her cheeks…and why do you want to put her on diet? nazar mat lagana usko…she looks like a baby doll…my hugs and kisses to her.

    • Amit August 22, 2013 at 8:57 pm - Reply

      Na na! I am not teaching her anything! 😛
      Thank you Latha for all your wishes. Hugs and Kisses passed to her. 🙂

  36. My Era August 22, 2013 at 12:18 am - Reply

    I have to agree with you on her cheeks being made up of ice-cream.

    Putting my daughter to sleep has been quite a challenge till she turned almost 1.25 years old. Though we didn’t attempt any tribal dances, but I had on a couple of occasions tried your plan B to end up having a baby cry for two straight hours 🙁

    Lots of love, hugs and blessings to little Anika 😀

    • Amit August 22, 2013 at 9:02 pm - Reply

      Haha! 🙂
      1.25? Oh my God! I can’t imagine doing this dance for 1.25 years. 🙁
      Thank you for all your wishes. 🙂

  37. kayemofnmy August 22, 2013 at 5:57 am - Reply

    That was a bellyful. Enjoyed it thoroughly. Must try Geet’s wild dance sometimes and I love the new addition to my vocabulary.

    • Amit August 22, 2013 at 9:03 pm - Reply

      Thanks KayEm. I hope the word does not make it into the thesaurus.

  38. ddeepa August 22, 2013 at 9:54 pm - Reply

    OMG, laughing and smiling all the way 🙂 Must be one hell of an experience 🙂 ROFL at Plan A and Plan B! God bless Anika! 🙂

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 8:19 am - Reply

      Thanks Deepa. It is a different kind of a ride. Enjoyable and stressful at the same time. 🙂

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