getting-free-diapers

Dear Diary,

There are some things more scarier than L.K. Advani becoming the Prime Minister of India and him dozing off in his swearing-in ceremony. More scarier than him suddenly waking up and saying – Now I can die peacefully – and then doing exactly that. I wonder how our President will react to that. Wait! Who is our President nowadays?

Sorry Dear Diary, I went a bit off track. I was talking about scary things. Right.

Ever since I have seen parents handling their kids, the one thing that has scared me the most is the act of cleansing the child off undesirable and discarded belongings. I have always found the act repulsive and the mere mention of a diaper would give me cold sweat. I really could not understand eager parents who would open the diapers at the drop of a hat to examine the insides, the same way they would examine their child’s report card years later. There are some who do not take the pain and simply sniff the diaper as if they are strolling in the annual flower show in the Mughal Gardens. Then there are some who put their hand underneath the diaper and weigh it to guesstimate its approximate weight and act accordingly. There are times when I have seen parents indulge in incredibly horrifying and nauseating multitasking like eating Rajma Rice with one hand and handling the diaper with another.

I must admit Dear Diary that I have turned my face away with aversion whenever I have seen the act. But as they say – You can run, you can hide but you can’t escape God’s sadism.

When I discussed it with Geet, we hugged and cried with relief because she felt exactly the same but was always afraid to discuss it with me. She told me of one lone incident when she tried to change her nephew’s diaper and then could not eat anything for the rest of the day. There was a soothing calmness in knowing the fact that we were equally hopeless. Dear Diary, you cannot believe the burden it took away from our shoulders.

The fear returned when Anika was born. Geet was too weak to do anything for the first few days and it fell upon me to do the inevitable act that I have dreaded all my life. The moment of truth had arrived. I waited with bated breath for the sound of release. I had no idea how it would sound like or whether there would be a sound at all. And then I heard it. It sounded like a dormant volcano that has come alive. My heart was in my mouth as I opened the diaper with trembling hands. Beads of perspiration were glistening on my forehead. Geet looked at me with an expression that smelled of pity, helplessness and amusement.

Dear Diary, what happened next was so unexpected that I still find it hard to believe. My mind was un-pooped. There was no feeling of revulsion or disgust. I did not choke. In fact I smiled as if I have discovered diamonds in the diaper. I cleaned her, changed her diaper and then closed Geet’s hanging jaw.

I don’t know how it works. How does your mind behave in an entirely different way when it is your own child. I have been fighting this phobia for such a long time but when the time came and things actually happened, my mind behaved as if it was the most natural things to clean butts smeared with refuse with a straight face. I guess, there are a few switches that are turned on after you become a parent.

This, Dear Diary, has been the most fortunate turn of events. And it wasn’t just me. Geet too did not feel a thing. In fact, there are times when we examine everything closely and discuss various factors like colour, graininess and flow before using the wipes. There have been times when Anika has done a ‘Balam Pichkari’ on my clothes and I have laughed at that too.

I have done it 230 times till now. Yes, I have been counting. It is an achievement dammit. I have also realized the fact that diapers are so expensive. I keep telling Anika to use them judiciously and she has been a nice girl.

Dear Diary,

Time is flying. She is a month old now. Geet and I are already discussing investments for her. Oh wait! There she goes again. Oh! That sound is so amazing. Etna has erupted.

Time to go.

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

69 Comments

  1. onehonestwriter June 22, 2013 at 8:04 am - Reply

    Balam pichkari? And u guys really discuss it out? Amusing as always Amit. Tell Anika to give you more experiences and time so that we can read you more often 🙂 and as far as switches are concerned, from today I have add them to my prayer list to be on at the right time 🙂

    And that first para was scary like hell.

    • Amit June 22, 2013 at 8:19 am - Reply

      Believe me, we are as surprised as you are. Both of us never thought that we could do this. 🙂
      The switches will be applied. I am sure. 🙂

      Oh yes. That was scary. Thankfully, it will never happen.

  2. Diwakar Narayan June 22, 2013 at 8:30 am - Reply

    Amit, this was so hilarious. Made me laugh. 🙂

    • Amit June 22, 2013 at 11:39 am - Reply

      Thanks Diwakar. 🙂

  3. Rachna June 22, 2013 at 8:38 am - Reply

    Oh yes poop, pee bring it on; we are parents! Mercifully the poop does not smell as the diet is just milk. And everything is fun because of the lovely smiles they give you. I remember loving the burping part the most :). Enjoy the ride!

    • Amit June 22, 2013 at 11:40 am - Reply

      Yes, even those sleepless nights are fun because of all those face expressions and sounds. 🙂 And the sounds she makes while burping is as if she has attained nirvana.

  4. Bhavia June 22, 2013 at 8:41 am - Reply

    Same pinch ji..I always tell my friends that one thing I dread is not even delivering the baby but cleaning the poop.when I visit my friends with kids,I make sure not to look when the diapers are changed.may be I will also get over this weird phobia once I have a kid.
    I’m happy that you both got over it 🙂
    now Anika can poop as much as she wants:-P

    • Amit June 22, 2013 at 11:41 am - Reply

      Haha! Bhavia, I will pray for you. 🙂

  5. Sreetama June 22, 2013 at 10:14 am - Reply

    Wow! Happy one month to Anika! Time surely flies! Enjoy the diaper changing routine & making qualitative and quantitative analysis of the outcome! 😉 I too feel amazed how parents handle the diaper and nappy changing part so much with ease! Now I know from your post! 🙂 Looking forward to read more of your Daddy Diary posts. 🙂

    • Amit June 22, 2013 at 12:52 pm - Reply

      We have done loads of analysis and are happy with the results. 🙂
      Don’t worry, you will get there too. 😀

  6. alkagurha June 22, 2013 at 11:00 am - Reply

    Time flies. Poo and pee will give way to her first word, her first step, her first day at school, her first crush and so on. Each milestone is a treasure.

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:05 am - Reply

      Yes Alka and I am looking forward to all of them. 🙂

  7. Maddie June 22, 2013 at 12:07 pm - Reply

    Welcome to the world of amazing sounds and smells! Have Geet and you started smelling of pee poo and curdled milk yet?

    I remember on our first trip back to India, shantanu was suffering from something close to diarrhea but the doctor kept saying it was okay not to panic, I had almost made up my mind to take the soiled diapers to him and show him! Lol, things we parents would do. And discussing the finer details – colour size, shape, smell etc is absolutely required! 🙂

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:07 am - Reply

      Yes, yes. We are smelling everything. 🙂
      For us, Anika soiled her diaper right in the middle of her appointment with the doctor. He opened the diaper and said – Wah! Wah! bahut hi behtareen potty hai. 🙂

  8. RH June 22, 2013 at 12:11 pm - Reply

    Wow Amit … Join the club… I used to run miles away when I see a diaper change. But now my 1 year old poops whenever I have my food. And I clean his bum and resume eating.

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:07 am - Reply

      Same pinch. 🙂 Amazing isn’t it?

  9. reekycoleslaw June 22, 2013 at 1:03 pm - Reply

    He he he…Etna 🙂
    I did keep thinking one thing though. I hope you washed your hands before you closed Geet’s jaw the first time you dealt with the molten lava!

    Loving your tales of growing up as a parent!

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:08 am - Reply

      Let me think. I think yes I did wash my hands. 🙂
      Thanks Rickie. It is a strangely terrifying happy world.

  10. Sfurti aka Juz a Mum June 22, 2013 at 1:26 pm - Reply

    Haha..hilarious and true!!!

  11. A Walk into the Woods June 22, 2013 at 1:56 pm - Reply

    So swweettt this post sounds, Amit. Wait till she is 6 months old.. phir I would want to hear a similar post from you again.. abhi toh sirf milk pee rahi hai na.. 🙂 😛 😛 … There have been times at my end when i opened her diaper and found that what went in came out just the way it went in… he he.. it was a Eureka moment.

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:11 am - Reply

      I know. I know. It smells really bad then but hopefully we will cross that bridge when we come to it. 🙂
      Now let me read your link.

      • A Walk into the Woods June 24, 2013 at 3:25 pm

        Ha haa.. I wasn’t even referring to the smell, Amit. 🙂 You will know.. waise.. one gets used to everything.. jo bhi pehle yucccck lagta tha, now, everything will seem cuuute actually.. the gurgling, the saliva.. the coughing-while-she-is-eating-cerelac moments.. when your clothes will get full of cerelac sprinklings.. hmm.. let me leave the rest for you to experience.

      • Amit June 29, 2013 at 1:11 pm

        Haha! 🙂 I am really looking forward to all that. 🙂

  12. BhavanaDiary June 22, 2013 at 2:20 pm - Reply

    One of my ex-colleague had a baby boy and I have shared this piece with him :-p
    Very amusing, loved it especially this one bit ‘I cleaned her, changed her diaper and then closed Geet’s hanging jaw’ hehe..

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:21 am - Reply

      Yes it is amusing and very very strange in a way. 🙂

  13. seena June 22, 2013 at 6:24 pm - Reply

    Ha..Ha.. Amit..Congratulations on getting un-pooped 🙂 we too do a lot of analyzing the poop, at times (when baby was sick, introduced new food etc.. ) we have called out to each other to not discard the diaper unless the other has seen the poop 🙂 Even now first thing we discuss after reaching back home is, if the baby has pooped and if yes how many times (our baby sitter religiously gives me this information when I go to pick the baby )… And crazy I may sound, but I loved the smell of baby’s mouth after he was breastfed 🙂

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:23 am - Reply

      Oh God! You have taken it to another level! 😛
      I love the cute sounds she makes while I am burping her and the way she snuggles near my neck. 🙂

  14. Bhargavi June 22, 2013 at 10:10 pm - Reply

    haha .. lovely post.. the hubby and I discovered the same thing 15 months ago.. crazy freaky how it doesn’t matter if its your own baby,na? 🙂

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:23 am - Reply

      Yes, it is strange, something inexplicable. 🙂

  15. thoughtsrantsrambles June 23, 2013 at 9:57 am - Reply

    Such a lovely post…its great reading baby posts from a Daddy.

    Happy 1st month bday to Anika. Wish her more happy “Etna’s” .. :-).

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:24 am - Reply

      Thanks thoughtsrantsrambles. 🙂
      Yes, we are getting loads of them. Today morning Geet had her ‘Balam Pichkari’ moment.

  16. Jyoti Mishra June 23, 2013 at 2:17 pm - Reply

    God’s Sadism and Etna were the highlights.. 🙂
    I really am enjoying your new-vulnerable-caring daddy stories .

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:25 am - Reply

      Thanks Jyoti. 🙂

  17. Dagny June 23, 2013 at 5:00 pm - Reply

    Oh the joys of parenthood! 🙂

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:27 am - Reply

      Yes, and that includes missing the office bus because you overslept. 🙂

  18. Deeps June 23, 2013 at 5:35 pm - Reply

    Hahaha! Balam pichkari!! Gosh, Amit trust you to come up with that expression! 😆

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:31 am - Reply

      🙂 We have been experiencing that a lot since the last few days. We even sing the song while changing diapers.

  19. Nisha June 23, 2013 at 7:33 pm - Reply

    I’m loving the new feel of your blog – it’s cute, funny, sweet; all at the same time.
    Happy cleansing 🙂

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:32 am - Reply

      Thanks Nisha. 🙂

  20. My Era June 23, 2013 at 10:25 pm - Reply

    I have to agree on many switches turning on and also off on becoming a parent. I have a sense of smell second only to a Dog & a Scoliodon.
    I can infact ‘smell’ changes in the diaper content from a good distance, still it has never bothered me from the day my baby was born.

    Congratulations to you & Geet on being ‘un-pooped’ 😛

    Love to little Anika 😀

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:33 am - Reply

      Exactly. I was completely repulsed by parents changing diapers while eating food but that switch has been turned off now. 🙂
      Thanks my Era. 🙂

  21. latha June 23, 2013 at 10:30 pm - Reply

    Hahaha….Been there..done that…And I didn’t use diapers for my son..used to use them only when travelling or our of the house. we used to use clothes…and imagine the pain of it. Taking each piece and piling them in a basket..then washing them with soap and dettol..drying them..folding them into neat hand kerchiefs…though we had servant maid,,,I would do all of this myself…by the time the whole ordeal is done, he would have made another basket. And you know what, you are lucky to have a girl. If it’s a boy, you would be welcomed with fountains as soon as you open the door…:P You are doing great…keep going!!

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 8:34 am - Reply

      What! What! How did you manage that? We would have died of exhaustion!
      Yes, I have heard the ‘you are lucky its a girl’ argument before. My sis-in-law tells that she came out drenched most of the times. 🙂

  22. R's Mom June 24, 2013 at 8:50 am - Reply

    I think RD was like you, but now he is a pro at bum cleaning too 😉 Hugs to the little girl okie :):)

    • Amit June 24, 2013 at 10:27 am - Reply

      From the comments on this post, it seems we all go through similar emotions. 🙂
      Hugs passed. 🙂

  23. chaitali June 24, 2013 at 10:18 am - Reply

    Its was hilarious.. happy parenting

  24. Rekha June 24, 2013 at 12:10 pm - Reply

    ‘Balam Pichkari’ till date was my favorite song coz I find my lil one cutest dancing to its tunes. You actually brought in a different twist. Errrrr!!! 🙂

    Lord, you took me back to those Diaper changing days. But fortunately, I never found any of it amusing or disgusting coz I had a cousin when I was 13 and it is me and my little sister who have taken care of him during those initial days. But, I have seen my friends and close relatives behaving absolutely abnormally. 😀

    • Amit June 29, 2013 at 1:13 pm - Reply

      I have been twisting a lot of songs lately. There is one ghazal by Pankaj Udhas that I have twisted beyond recognition. 🙂
      Unlike you, I never had any experience. I have only seen people deal with their kids, so this was kind of weird in the beginning. 🙂

  25. Nirvana June 24, 2013 at 5:35 pm - Reply

    thankfully past those days….. but this one brought the balam pichkari days right back! Grand sense of humor – as always!

    • Amit June 29, 2013 at 1:14 pm - Reply

      I have heard that it is worse in case of boys. Thank god for small mercies. 🙂
      Thanks Nirvana.

  26. metherebel June 24, 2013 at 6:13 pm - Reply

    LOL @ Balam Pichkari!

    Being a parent makes one immune to pee, poop and puke I guess 🙂

    • Amit June 29, 2013 at 1:15 pm - Reply

      Yes, and a lot of other things as well. 🙂

  27. Destiny's child June 25, 2013 at 9:54 am - Reply

    I realized I was gifted at changing diapers when my nephew arrived. There was no revulsion, nothing. My sister was really surprised, and so was I! 🙂

    So glad the poo poo and pee pee is easy on you now. Enjoy!
    I thoroughly enjoyed the post.

    • Amit June 29, 2013 at 1:16 pm - Reply

      Yes, Geet and I were also completely surprised but that is how it is supposed to be I guess. 🙂
      Thanks Destiny’s child.

  28. The Girl Next Door June 26, 2013 at 3:53 pm - Reply

    I am so glad to hear of certain switches being turned on once you become a parent. I have the same fears as you and Geet had. 🙂 I hope the switches turn on for me, too. 😀

    LOL @ Balam Pichkari

    • Amit June 29, 2013 at 1:16 pm - Reply

      Believe me, it will turn on for you as well. 🙂 Have Faith. 🙂

  29. forgottogrowup June 26, 2013 at 10:52 pm - Reply

    ha ha ha…:D @ Balam Pichkari…:)….I am also a new mom- k turned 3 months old on 20th June. I can understand the poop thing….it feels so natural and ok now…u wont believe….few days back K started pooping once in 3-4 days…believe me..i was missing the poop cleaning act!!…:)…

    • Amit June 29, 2013 at 1:18 pm - Reply

      What? Once in 3-4 days? Do you want to exchange the kids for a while? 😀

  30. purbaray June 27, 2013 at 5:31 am - Reply

    Welcome to Mummy-Daddy club – where poop, pee and puke becomes part of your life. Pretty soon you’ll become an expert fielder, diving under the bed to catch her falling frame.

    • Amit June 29, 2013 at 1:18 pm - Reply

      Oh yes. That is something I am waiting for. 🙂

  31. kismitoffeebar July 4, 2013 at 6:50 am - Reply

    hehehehehe – such a lovely post! K has this phobia too but am okay with it, actually.
    Rajma rice in one hand and diaper handling in the other – So hilarious!

    One look at the little munchkins and nothing matters really 🙂 Have fun 🙂

    • Amit July 4, 2013 at 9:51 am - Reply

      Thank you. 🙂
      Yes, you are absolutely right. Once you have the kid in your arms, nothing else matters.

  32. Indian Homemaker July 4, 2013 at 5:06 pm - Reply

    🙂 “When I discussed it with Geet, we hugged and cried with relief because she felt exactly the same but was always afraid to discuss it with me. ”
    Love this post!!

  33. Little Fingers July 12, 2013 at 9:01 pm - Reply

    Yes parenting does that to you:) your posts always cracks me up, you put all those initial days of parenting in much funnier way. My husband even when he makes international calls first think after hi hellos would be whether she pooped and what was the size of it 🙂 I got to explain the length and width, the bigger the happier we are 🙂

  34. jojo August 7, 2013 at 11:49 pm - Reply

    I hope you remembered to wash your hands before closing your wife’s hanging jaw 🙂
    It is truly amazing how quickly we adapt to our kids atrocities !!

  35. Smriti August 8, 2014 at 10:20 am - Reply

    OMG!!! Tears are flowing from my eyes!! No No No!! This is not an emotional burst! But after laughing so hard, I was choking for breath!! We have had the same fears and thankfully we have been coping well too! But kudos to u for putting those feelings into words. I know I never could have written it any better!!

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