New York Depress starring Brave Willis and Emma Wandson

New York Depress starring Brave Willis and Emma Wandson

Crore-Hit Shetty was pacing worriedly in his office. His last 7 movies have been blockbusters, generating revenues of over 100 crores each. Producers were falling over each other to make a movie with him. Top actors were rubbing their nose on his toenails to give them a chance. Recently, Kamsina Kaif had a massive heart attack when she was approached to do a dance number for his movie. She was overwhelmed to death.

Suddenly the phone rang. It was his dear friend, Safe-Run Khan.

“Are you taking me in your next or not?” Safe-Run shouted the moment Crore-Hit picked up the phone.

“Oh! You won’t believe what I am directing next. I have a Hollywood offer!” Crore-Hit blurted out. He could not hold it any longer.

“What!?!? Please take me! Please! I will dance in all the weddings of your family. Tell me you are not joking!”

“No, I am not! I have been approached by Hippo Searchlight to make an international movie for them.”

“So what is the problem? Why do you sound worried?”

“I don’t have a story!” Crore-Hit said exasperatedly.

“Bah! But you never did! Come on! Pick up any older movie of yours. Pick Chennai Depress. Turn it into New York Depress,” Safe-Run suggested.

“Oh my Crores! You are a genius! I will give you a role in it,” Crore-Hit said and kept the receiver back. Safe-Run wanted to tell him that he would be happy to play even a telephone booth in his movie, but he kept that for later. 

Crore-Hit started working on the modifying the script. He took help of his lungi friends like Sajid Crap, Sajid’s sister Farha Crap, and Arbaaz Crap. The first thing they did was to take away all the South Indian characters out of Chennai Depress and fill them with stereotyped Caucasians. Then the locations of all the romantic songs were changed. There was one song atop the New York subway now and another one where the actors hang upside down from the Golden Gate. Just-Teen Burger was roped in to lend his voice to the lead actress while Yo Yo Donkey Singh was finalized to playback for the male lead.

“What about the crappy one liners and stale jokes?” Crore-Hit asked the Crap clan.

As an answer, Farha Crap took out the ‘Stereotype encyclopaedia for Blondes’ from her bag. The elite directors spent the rest of the day digging out jokes from the book and fitting them in various parts in the screenplay. 

“Have they finalized the starcast yet?” Karamchand, the editor-in-chief of Film-unfair asked Crore-Hit Shetty in a page 3 party.

“Yes, they are taking Brave Willis and Emma Wandson.”

“Isn’t Brave a bit old for the role? And Emma is 1/10th his age,” Karamchand said.

“But the audience loves old men and young girls. It’s aphrodisiacal,” Crore-Hit said flashing his teeth. 

Finalizing the actress for the item number was a monumental task. Crore-hit finally decided to hold a dance competition and invited Brave Willis to judge it with Farha Crap. It was a disaster. Three actresses shot each other with machine guns while one of them had her eyeballs clawed out. One actress was found naked tied to a commode while another one’s hair caught fire mysteriously. Another one died in a landmine blast just outside the venue. It was finally decided that an international celebrity should be taken. Sunny Lube-onee was finally signed because of her varied ‘exposures’ in the field. 

The movie went on floor and the Hollywood production house was pleasantly taken aback by the amazingly grotesque treatment of the subject. Crore-Hit convinced them that this is what the audience want nowadays. He told them that they leave their brains at home (India’s latest contribution to the list of Idioms) and laugh at all jokes from the Stereotype Encyclopaedia. The highlight of the movie was Brave Willis pelvic thrusting a song in the voice of Yo Yo Donkey Singh on top of a subway train as Emma Wandson quivered semi-naked in front of him. She lip synced Just-teen Burger’s rendition of the duet as a group of hundred dancers gyrated with her atop the train. The whole of New York was out on the streets to see this unbelievable spectacle. 

The movie earned billions of dollars. Crore-Hit Shetty was rechristened BullShit Shetty in international circles.

Safe-Run Khan loved his promised cameo in New York Depress. He was the one who helped Emma Wandson get on the train by giving her his hand, followed by Emma doing an ‘Obliviate’ on him. He looked forward to promote the movie in India by appearing with the lead star cast on the best television shows like See.Eye.Duh and ‘Niyati entangled in the whirlpool of relationships’.

Meanwhile BullShit Shetty was offered to direct the next part of Aven-jerks – The rise of Loki, Tinda and Tori. 

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

61 Comments

  1. alkagurha August 24, 2013 at 9:59 am - Reply

    Ready Steady Yo. Nice take on Crore Hit, Old Man, Young Girl, jackpot saga. I wouldn’t venture anywhere near this hit even if someone gave me free tickets. But some friends really enjoyed it. Perhaps the movie provides succor from all the gloom and doom around.

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 10:17 am - Reply

      Thanks Alka. I share your sentiments. I won’t see the movie if I was given money for it. Watching the promo gives me a terrible headache.

  2. reekycoleslaw August 24, 2013 at 10:09 am - Reply

    I am expecting no less than 25 Oh,Scars! for this one. And at least a dozen Whammies for the singers!

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 10:18 am - Reply

      I am sure they will create a few categories in all the international awards to make room for the movie as it does not fit in any of the existing categories.

  3. Karan Sampat August 24, 2013 at 10:22 am - Reply

    Now this is a-musing…:)
    Wonderful..loved it..

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 10:35 am - Reply

      Thanks Karan. 🙂

  4. UR August 24, 2013 at 10:29 am - Reply

    Thank you for this post. I was so frustrated by the trailer and promotions of the actual ‘Chennai Depress’, that I was about to post about it. You did an amazing job of it. Reading your post gave me peace of mind. Both thumbs up!

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 10:35 am - Reply

      Thanks UR. I am glad that I was able to share your pain.

  5. Rachna August 24, 2013 at 10:39 am - Reply

    Loved this one, Amit :). A lovely hilarious post from you after a long time. I am not watching that CroreShit any day soon.

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 11:37 am - Reply

      Thanks Rachna. Well, it is once in a while when one gets inspiring movies for such posts. 🙂

  6. નિરવની નજરે . . ! August 24, 2013 at 10:43 am - Reply

    i just enjoyed it a lot ( greater than all 7 movies of crorehit ! ) 🙂

    incredible write-up . . . Nirav .

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 11:38 am - Reply

      Thank you very much Nirav! 🙂

  7. Karthik August 24, 2013 at 11:12 am - Reply

    somebody is getting greedy here 😛 You dont expect all the movies to have a 4/5 rating.. it still gives critics spaces to write about it.. 😛

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 11:39 am - Reply

      I like comedies Karthik. I really do. But there is a difference between comedy and insanity. 🙂

  8. C. Suresh August 24, 2013 at 2:25 pm - Reply

    Now why do you want to be giving ideas to Hollywood and losing me my last refuge on TV? 🙂 Not that Star Movies and HBO were a dependable refuge 10/10 but NOW.. 🙂

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 10:18 pm - Reply

      I hope it does not become a reality. They have their own set of idiotic movies. Hopefully they won’t look at us for inspiration. 🙂

  9. Nisha August 24, 2013 at 4:36 pm - Reply

    Crore shit indeed. I did the mistake of watching it yesterday at home.. Thank God I was at home! The movie has touched new levels of suckness and Khan has gone crazy!

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 10:19 pm - Reply

      You did? Brave you! 🙂

  10. Jas August 24, 2013 at 6:28 pm - Reply

    What a crap movie that inspired you to write such a hilarious post. I am amazed at how this movie is still running in theaters.

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 10:20 pm - Reply

      I am not amazed at all Jas. I would have been amazed if it would have flopped.

  11. afshan18 August 24, 2013 at 9:54 pm - Reply

    As much as I had fun reading this I should say I had same amount of fun watching the movie . Earning 100 crore or many more may be absurd and many enjoying the movie will give acidity to loathers but even if there are laughable jokes the one with a rein forced concrete hatred wall between them selves and srk and the movie and crore hit or whateva shetty will never enjoy it . What I saw was many people laughing through out in the theatre atleast for a good one hour . May be every one has no brain including me 🙂

    • Amit August 24, 2013 at 10:29 pm - Reply

      Thanks for liking the post Afshan.
      Let me give you an example. Transformers 3 was a shit movie. It still went ahead and earned millions of dollars. People went and watched it. Any movie does not become good if it earns money and makes people laugh. Cinema is an art and movies like Chennai Express degrade that art.
      I do not have hatred for anybody. I like comedies but unfortunately I also have a brain. I enjoy a comedy movie like Chupke Chupke and Angoor. I loved Vicky Donor. I loved ‘A Fish called Wanda’, Four weddings and a Funeral and The Big Lebowski. There has to be a hint of reality for me to like a comedy.

      • afshan18 August 24, 2013 at 11:48 pm

        That’s what I said every one who enjoyed the movie locked the brains in safe locker as per this post or some other posts I saw which were due to hatred . I didn’t mean just u ! Anyway I also watch many comedies and enjoy and CE cannot be in their league but I know many who hate it due to a person ., a song , some other regional accent factors ! Anyway I have not watched world movies , only a handful of comedies but still enjoyed this no brainer ! And I m hoping I have a teensy Weensy grey matter left in me :p

        And coming to the post yep it’s good , in your style , hilarious , enjoyable 🙂
        Happy weekend

  12. My Era August 24, 2013 at 11:38 pm - Reply

    Brilliant write up with ‘The rise of Loki, Tinda & Tori’ making me laugh like a crazy.

    I haven’t seen the movie and I am hoping to brave doing that when after 3 months it’ll be aired on TV to exercise my remote control as & when necessary 😀

    • Amit August 25, 2013 at 9:11 am - Reply

      Thanks My Era. 🙂
      You know, there are so many other mundane things to do in life that I will skip it on television as well. Alas, the loss is all mine but I will have to live with it.

  13. Ashwathy August 24, 2013 at 11:50 pm - Reply

    *sends up a silent prayer that thank goodness there is no such movie coming up*
    *shudder* Hollywood can live without it, I’m sure!

    Nice spoof dude! 🙂 As always. How do you always manage to come up with such innovative names? Ready steady yo? Brave Willis, Emma Wandson and the rest? Farah Crap! 😆

    Um… but why is Film-unfair’s editor Karamchand? The original guy is Jitesh Pillai. Where’s the spoof on the name here?

    • Amit August 25, 2013 at 9:14 am - Reply

      I am sure that Hollywood will find a way to incorporate the movie in its Hall of Fame.
      Karamchand came from the fact that all movie magazines are like spy agencies. 🙂

  14. Reema Sahay August 25, 2013 at 12:51 am - Reply

    Good one 🙂 But seriously, what’s the huge deal about 100 crores, and now 200 crores? I really don’t know who watches these movies. I wouldn’t waste my 3 hours watching any of the Rohit Shetty movies. They will give me headaches. But I have heard Deepika has done a good job so I am just tiny-winy tempted to check it out sometime [definitely not in theatre though]. After Cocktail, I have warmed up to Deepika. Shahrukh repeats himself all the time, so I am not interested in watching him in this movie.

    • Amit August 25, 2013 at 9:19 am - Reply

      I think it is very easy to make 100 crores nowadays. It has nothing to do with the movie being good. All we need is a bankable star who can pull of the movie for just a week. There, you have your 100 crores. Release it in a lot of theaters and since the population of our country is legendary, you will not find it difficult at all to pull in all the cash.
      Deepika is all right. I think she will do good with a good director.

  15. BhavanaDiary August 25, 2013 at 3:10 am - Reply

    People who watch such movies should go through memory charms indeed. Liked the way you linked Jarry putter’s story in the end, very spell bound :-p

    • Amit August 25, 2013 at 9:20 am - Reply

      I would have loved to drag out the memory of watching this movie IF I would have watched it. 🙂
      Thanks Bhavana.

  16. Seena August 25, 2013 at 10:13 am - Reply

    Really hilarious post 🙂 The trailers are enough to make one NOT want to watch the movie 🙂 A movie filled with Tintumon jokes, which atleast every mallu would have heard a thousand times (http://tintu-joke.blogspot.ae/2010/04/69-dictionary.html) 🙂

    • Amit August 26, 2013 at 1:57 pm - Reply

      Thanks Seena. I knew I was not going to watch it the moment I saw its poster in the newspaper months back. 🙂
      I was not expecting any original comedy sequences here.

  17. justagirlfromaamchimumbai August 25, 2013 at 10:29 am - Reply

    Ha Ha Ha loved reading the review. The funny thing is that some of these movies still do really well at the box office.

    • Amit August 28, 2013 at 8:57 am - Reply

      Thanks for liking the post. 🙂
      Well, it is not funny at all. It is yet another topic which requires deep introspection.

  18. Destiny's child August 26, 2013 at 9:48 am - Reply

    Too good, I was laughing all the way! 😀
    I love the spoofs on your blog. They are just too good!

    • Amit August 28, 2013 at 8:57 am - Reply

      Thanks Destiny’s child. 😀

  19. Lazy Pineapple August 26, 2013 at 10:34 am - Reply

    awww you are being too Harsh Amit. I had such low expectations from the movie that I actually enjoyed that nonsense. My hubby was giving me dirty looks and rolling his eyes whenever I was laughing at the awful jokes 😛 You know when I tell people that I watched Manoj Kumar’s “The Clerk” and also blogged about it..they know that I can digest even very bad movies 😛

    • Amit August 28, 2013 at 8:59 am - Reply

      Harsh? Haha! I am just making fun! 🙂 What to do? I cannot laugh on crappy jokes. In a way I am happy that I am refusing to watch such movies.
      ‘Clerk’ is very notorious but I haven’t seen it yet.

  20. R's Mom August 26, 2013 at 11:17 am - Reply

    Eeeks! did you hear that song, one two three four, go on the dance floor or something…Gosh! Its horrible…and the worst part, the 5 year brat has gotten it into her head after hearing it somewhere…every day I keep hearing her sing it…yuck!

    I cant watch SRK..except perhaps in Chak De and Lagaan..though I must admit, I do think Deepika looks lovely in the south Indian get up…So I am assuming you NOT recommending this movie right?

    • Amit August 28, 2013 at 9:02 am - Reply

      I think most of the songs are horrible except for 1 or 2 of them.
      You mean Swades right? Not Lagaan. 🙂 Yeah, those are the two bearable movies that he shockingly did.

  21. ashreyamom August 26, 2013 at 11:27 am - Reply

    hmmm.. i saw the movie, first day, first show in chennai… i liked it.. may be because it was nice to see all south actors in a Bollywood movie.. now i realised i liked ur post more than the movie.. :)..

    • Amit August 28, 2013 at 9:03 am - Reply

      Thanks Ashreyamom. I am very sure my post is better than the movie. 😛

  22. purbaray August 27, 2013 at 4:36 am - Reply

    Guess what! I saw Chennai Express playing at IMax at New York’s Time’s Square.
    Who cares for bullshit as long as it makes money.

    ROFL post, btw.

    • Amit August 28, 2013 at 9:03 am - Reply

      Et Tu? How? Why? 😐

      Thanks for liking the post Purba.

  23. umashankar August 27, 2013 at 8:47 am - Reply

    that is a stunning review of a far more stunning industry. Carry on chugging, Chennai Express!

    • Amit August 28, 2013 at 9:04 am - Reply

      Thanks Uma. I hope this train stops. Forever.

  24. Archie August 27, 2013 at 3:43 pm - Reply

    I can’t believe that I wasted 3 hrs of my life watching that movie. An illiterate, tasteless, brain dead, jail raped, village guy’s mummy from 1650 AD would have come up with a better script.
    Shame Shame…

    • Amit August 28, 2013 at 9:05 am - Reply

      What prompted you to watch this movie? I cannot understand for the life of me that how can people gather the courage after watching the promo.

      • Archie August 28, 2013 at 9:10 am

        That’s the thing na… I didn’t watch the promo. Between work and trying to finish off a couple of novels… Hardly had time to watch TV. My bad! My bad!

  25. Roshan Radhakrishnan August 28, 2013 at 9:22 am - Reply

    I’ve seen too many Indians muscle their way into cinema with influence to not be afraid of some of the things you mentioned – A Rohit Shetty directed Avengers2… oh God. Can’t you just see Hulk romancing Black Widow in the gardens with dancers all around… Maria Hill doing karva chauth till Nick Fury returns… Iron Man being saved by a jab malaa given to him by Pepper Potts.
    *shudder*

    • Amit September 1, 2013 at 12:57 pm - Reply

      And while Hulk romances Black Widow, a brigade of Bharatnatyam dancers will add colours and spunk in the background. We can add so much colour and nonsense in the movie. And imagine making Loki dumb by giving him crappy jokes to crack.

  26. Bhavia August 30, 2013 at 2:18 pm - Reply

    LOL!! the only worry is now a lot of crap movies will be released as the formula is a HIT

    • Amit September 1, 2013 at 12:58 pm - Reply

      Of course it is a hit! What else is there in the film industry other than making money? That is what the art of cinema is all about. Isn’t it?

  27. Latha August 30, 2013 at 9:17 pm - Reply

    ROFL….Amit, I haven’t been to a hindi movie in theatres in a while and saw this recently…it is crappy but I still laughed while watching it 😛
    Btw, I didn’t watch any ad or promo..heard from someone that it is good..:P
    However the movie is, your post is hilarious to the core.

    • Amit September 1, 2013 at 1:01 pm - Reply

      It was crappy but you still laughed? Well…Ahem…I am trying to understand that. 😛
      Thank you for liking the post. 🙂

  28. Carvaka September 7, 2013 at 5:13 pm - Reply

    Lol! Love this. Sajid Crap, Farah Crap and Arbaz crap should have their names changed, these news ones suit them much better :D. I unfortunately watched Chennai Depress in the theatre recently and was literally holding my hands over my ears by the end. The freaking noise from the crappy fight scene was unbearable. I really was depressed by the end of it!

    • Amit September 8, 2013 at 11:47 am - Reply

      Oh God! I understand your pain. 🙂 But why did you go near that movie? Were the promos not a good enough deterrent?
      Thank you for liking the post.

  29. virajraol December 27, 2013 at 10:20 am - Reply

    “Aven-jerks – The rise of Loki, Tinda and Tori. ”

    Hilarious!!!!

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