long_time_ago

….there was a planet called Dearth. The dominant specie on the planet was called Insane (pronounced In-saan*). The name of the planet had seen better days but Insanes had squeezed out all of the planet’s resources and thus a resolution was passed to change the name of the planet to commemorate the achievement.

An interesting episode happened on POL011 on planet Dearth in the klear 5690*. POL or Piece Of Land is very similar to how we define countries on Earth.

POL011 was the second most populated POL on Dearth and this was a major concern for the King. Now the king did not have any real power other than to be a poster boy or pardoning convicts he found sexy. The real power sat with his Prime Minister who was a part of a governing body. Sadly, the Prime Minister was as helpless as the King. He was deaf and dumb and was puppeted by the governing body run by Madaam Pasta.

Population explosion was such an immense problem on POL011 that the King, PM and Madaam Pasta decided that insanes have to be educated about not producing babies every time a power cut happened. Educating the insanes of POL011 was as difficult as asking the PM to speak two words, so the governing body finally passed a bill to put 11000 yaun-dom* machines throughout the POL. Yaun-dom were special devices very similar to our condoms but with a special chip embedded in them which made them reusable.  They were almost like mini- robots that could lid the desirable places.

One fine Klatoony day (Klatoon was the name of their Sun), a minister came running as Madaam Pasta was pouring  cere-lack in baba’s mouth. Baba was her 40 Klat-years old son.

“Madaam!! They are all gone!” the minister said as he kissed her ring.

“Elaborato,” Madaam said with exasperation.

“Madaam, all the Strawberry flavoured yaun-doms are missing from the machines!” the minister said.

Madaam raised one of her eye brows and looked at baba.

“What? Noooo! Of course not! And that is not even my favourite flavour! Why don’t you ask Zeezaazee?” Baba said throwing his hands in the air.

” Your Zeezaazee is a poor farmer. I don’t think he uses local brands,” Madaam said thoughtfully.  

A few minutes later, an SOS message was sent to the ministers to immediately teleport themselves in the King’s War room. After everyone had arrived, the Prime Minister was the first to speak. He talked in sign language which was interpreted and voiced by a T608BOSS robot standing behind him.

“Did we check with Ass-aram? We might have to raid his ass-rum,” the robot said.

“I don’t think he uses yaun-doms,” the King said trying to hold a giggle which earned a stearn look from Madaam.

“What about Imraan Kissme?” a minister asked.

“Checked. He is clean.”

“No one in this fuc*ing POL uses a yaun-dom. That was the fuc*ing point of installing the machines. Do you even realize what will happen if the media gets a whiff of this?” Madaam Pasta screamed, Unable to hold herself anymore.

The robot coughed.

“Get the MIB on it,” Madaam said.

The MIB (Madaam Investigation Bureou) was a coveted organization that was given only those tasks that were supposed to linger on for hundreds of Dearth years. So this decision emancipated nothing but a collective gasp from the ministers and a quick sign from the PM which made the robot gasp an electronic gasp.

The MIB started its investigation but things were about to get worse. Soon, the chocolate flavoured yaun-doms went missing from the machines. And then the news was leaked to the media. And then the banana flavoured ones went missing too.

The media houses did everything from organising panels to discuss the order in which flavours went missing to showing closeups of yaun-dom vending machines for hours as hinsanes (male insanes) cried bitterly holding the machines in their arms. As the king pondered over a proposal of installing hi-tech fly shaped, almost invisible 6755SONAM cameras on all the machines, media houses conducted audience polls to know the favourite flavous of the citizens.  Unsurprisingly, the result came in exactly the order in which the yaun-doms went missing.

pollfinal

[Others including lichi, pomegranate, butter scotch, vanilla etc]

Even after the cameras were installed and MIB worked full time on the case, flavours after flavours vanished from the machines. There was anger in the inhabitants of POL011 as they loved getting things for free and the King seemed simply incapable of providing them the simplest of such free pleasures. There were marches on the street where insanes dressed up as huge yaun-doms and burnt outdated robots dresses up as the King, PM and Madaam. The Po-lice was deployed who stunned the protestors (especially shinsanes (female insanes)) by touching them with their tasers at inappropriate places. The situation went quickly out of hand.

The PM finally addressed the POL. The robot stood behind him and passed on his message as the PM gestured.

Finally, the yaun-dom machines went empty and MIB searched fervently for an excuse for its incompetency. The MIB chief got a personalized slap from Madaam Pasta. The King launched a new scheme called YYHH (yaun-dom yaun-dom Hota Hai) where the citizens were given door to door service of their favourite flavours. A huge amount of currency was transferred from the SOD (Save Our Dearth) fund for this activity.

The flaw in the scheme was stark the very next year when the sale of balloons declined during the festival of la-colourina*. The king realised with horror that the insanes of POL011 wanted to collect free yaun-doms for an entirely different reason but it was too late to make any amendments. To recover the losses, Madaam Pasta gave a brilliant idea to increase the breathing tax.

*  *  *

Meanwhile, in the neighbouring POL92, the notorious gangster The-wood was laughing hysterically in the company of the King of POL92 and his ministers. POL92 was enemies with POL011 over a disputed area called POL011-0191.

“This was a brilliant idea. Who needs killing drones and bombs?” the King said.

“The-wood is a brilliant mastermind. Who would have thought of this,” one of the ministers said.

“Yes, they are already on the brink of a collapse, teaming like nanodrakes*. All we had to do was to give then a nudge. And no one believes in using yaun-doms in that POL. The idiots believe in the more the merrier,” The-wood said.

Later at his home, The-wood went to the store room and took almost half an hour to select a flavour to use that night, chuckling at his idea of using a teleporter on a robotic fly to steal the yaun-doms.

*Insaan – means human in Arabic. It is a commonly used word in Hindi

*yaun – Copulation

*nanodrakes – very similar to ants. They can copulate from both ends and hence indulge in chain-mating.

*la-colourina – A festival similar to Holi but played only with  balloons. In recent years, price of balloons have gone up in POL011, just like the price of petrol in India.

*klear 5690 – Similar to Earth years. On Dearth, a klear consists of 225 days. Each day is 12 hours long. Insanes work only for 3 hours a day.

The news that inspired this post – 10,000 condom machines missing, CAG finds

2017-11-11T00:38:18+00:00 Tags: , , , , , , , |

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

48 Comments

  1. Bhavia September 16, 2013 at 8:12 pm - Reply

    Madam Pasta???GOD!! rolling on the floor and laughing.
    and flavors..ahem!!

    • Amit September 16, 2013 at 8:38 pm - Reply

      Thanks Bhavia! 🙂
      I hope Baba, Zeezaazee and the whole brigade was equally enjoyable. 🙂

  2. Rickie Khosla September 16, 2013 at 8:13 pm - Reply

    Well, I knew it. It was but a matter of time before we were going to develop our own Satire Wars : Episode Zero!
    I am giggling away 🙂

    • Amit September 16, 2013 at 8:41 pm - Reply

      I am thinking of using this series whenever I hit writer’s block. There is always something delicious cooking on Earth.
      Thanks for liking Rickie.

  3. mahabore September 16, 2013 at 8:27 pm - Reply

    Awesome, awesome post, taking on the 10,000 missing condoms case…..

    • Amit September 16, 2013 at 8:41 pm - Reply

      Thanks Mahabore. 🙂

  4. dauntlessdaisy September 16, 2013 at 8:53 pm - Reply

    Amit take a bow 🙂

  5. umashankar September 16, 2013 at 9:47 pm - Reply

    I swear never having read such a fusion of satire, science fiction and fifty shades of grey under the Klatoon.

    • Amit September 16, 2013 at 11:03 pm - Reply

      Hahaha! Thanks Uma.

  6. passey September 16, 2013 at 11:08 pm - Reply

    I’m huffing-n-luffing as I go up the hill-arious pathways your words have con-structed..

    Arvind Passey
    http://www.passey.info

    • Amit September 17, 2013 at 9:31 pm - Reply

      Thank you Arvind Sir. I am glad that you liked the post.

  7. alkagurha September 17, 2013 at 9:41 am - Reply

    Holy Ravioli! What a witty intelligent take on MIB.

    • Amit September 17, 2013 at 9:32 pm - Reply

      Thanks Alka. 🙂

  8. Rachna September 17, 2013 at 10:00 am - Reply

    Amit, you are clearly bonkers :). This was a mad read and I look forward to more madness in this series.

    • Amit September 17, 2013 at 9:32 pm - Reply

      Haha! 🙂 Thanks for the compliment.
      I will write the series on and off depending on the state of my writer’s block. 🙂

  9. R's Mom September 17, 2013 at 10:31 am - Reply

    hahahahah! hahahahah! hahahaha! gosh I just cant stop laughing..you have the most awesome imagination…hahahahahahah!

    • Amit September 17, 2013 at 9:33 pm - Reply

      Thank you! 🙂

  10. […] Amit Sharma What:Chronicles of Dearth : The case of missing Yaun-doms Tangy: Amit writes a post where he talks of an imaginary planet, Dearth and about the issues faced […]

  11. Team BlogAdda September 17, 2013 at 6:57 pm - Reply

    This post has been selected for the Tangy Tuesday Picks this week. Thank You for an amazing post! Cheers! Keep Blogging 🙂

    • Amit September 17, 2013 at 9:33 pm - Reply

      Thank you team BlogAdda! 🙂

  12. apala sengupta September 17, 2013 at 10:08 pm - Reply

    oh my my! this was one out-of-the-dearth read! i just can’t stop grinning ear to ear! superbone, Amit! 🙂

    • Amit September 21, 2013 at 8:31 am - Reply

      Thank you Apala. 🙂

  13. BhavanaDiary September 17, 2013 at 11:44 pm - Reply

    Too good Amit.. My goodness what a satire and what imagination. Madam Paasta, indeed! 🙂

    • Amit September 21, 2013 at 8:32 am - Reply

      Thanks Bhavana. 🙂

  14. Ruch September 18, 2013 at 2:48 pm - Reply

    Damn Good ! Loved it and look forward to more !

    • Amit September 21, 2013 at 8:33 am - Reply

      Thanks Ruchira. Yes, yes, more in due course of time.

  15. Ashwathy September 18, 2013 at 11:58 pm - Reply

    How on earth do you come up with such ideas? Politics and sci-fi in a deadly mix!! 😀 😀

    • Amit September 21, 2013 at 8:34 am - Reply

      Haha! It turned out deadlier than what I imagined initially. 🙂

  16. C. Suresh September 20, 2013 at 1:44 pm - Reply

    Now that was a rollicking ride. Flavorful, may one say? 🙂

    • Amit September 21, 2013 at 8:36 am - Reply

      Heavily flavoured. 🙂

  17. kayemofnmy September 22, 2013 at 3:58 am - Reply

    What a very inventive mind – enjoyed that heaps :-). A 3 hour working day! How does one get to POL011?

    • Amit September 22, 2013 at 6:21 pm - Reply

      Thanks KayEm. 🙂
      I am a regular visitor there as they contacted me a few years back. Unfortunately, the visit is strictly on an invitation basis. I am currently studying them and will keep you posted.
      p.s. There are better POLs there other than POL011.

  18. purbaray September 22, 2013 at 10:55 am - Reply

    He who blames foreign hand for all crisis lives with no responsibility! Must give credit to the government for spoiling us silly with flavourful choices.

    BTW, I was suspecting Zeezazee for pillaging condoms to build condominiums in Gurgaon.

    • Amit September 22, 2013 at 6:22 pm - Reply

      I have a suspicion that Zeezaazee was somehow involved in this whole business. I will investigate this furthur.

  19. Destiny's child September 23, 2013 at 3:48 pm - Reply

    I love Dystopian fiction and this post was just that. Hats off, Amit!
    This was really “insane” 😀

    • Amit September 26, 2013 at 9:51 pm - Reply

      Thanks Destiny’s child. 🙂

  20. ashreyamom September 23, 2013 at 5:06 pm - Reply

    this reminds me, for first time i saw the machine in Chandigarh near a tourist spot. it was during my college days. we were actually arguing why is it not inside female toilets. we girls actually peeped inside the gents toilet to have a look at the machine. :). yes, yet another tale which i forgot to add to my post about toilets. :).
    nice post. :).

    • Amit September 26, 2013 at 9:53 pm - Reply

      Haha! Why would anyone put a condom machine inside a toilet is beyond me. 🙂

  21. Rekha September 25, 2013 at 5:04 pm - Reply

    LOL…I couldn’t stop laughing till the end Amit! You truly are an ‘Insane’ and are making us ‘Insane’. Loved it. The-Wood, Baba and shinshanes were the best. 😀

    • Amit September 26, 2013 at 9:54 pm - Reply

      Thanks Rekha. 🙂 I usually try to put a lid on all the insanity but this one went out of control. 🙂

  22. Jas September 26, 2013 at 1:02 pm - Reply

    How innovative can you be? Awesome read Amit 🙂 I am laughing and thinking hard how this idea turned into a post.

    • Amit September 26, 2013 at 9:55 pm - Reply

      Thanks Jas. 🙂 Real life throw such incredible stories at us that it is not very hard to twist them a bit and squeeze insanity out of them.

  23. Deepa September 30, 2013 at 9:50 pm - Reply

    OMG. I missed reading the original news item but your take does it one better!

    • Amit October 2, 2013 at 8:46 am - Reply

      I am thinking of expanding as a series about general happenings on Dearth.

  24. Shweta October 10, 2013 at 2:04 pm - Reply

    OMG!!! This couldn’t get better!! Amazing post! Am still laughing! Madaam Pasta was the besht!! 😛

    • Amit October 12, 2013 at 12:45 pm - Reply

      Thanks Shweta. 🙂

  25. […] This was a brief history of the creation of Dearth and how it reached its current state. To know more read the following chapter – Chronicles of Dearth : The case of missing Yaun-doms […]

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