As you hit thirties, you discover that your scariest nightmares are about to come true – Someone, somewhere is (accidently) going to call you ‘Uncle’ and you might die a Virgin. This post will not deal with virginity issues of stay-with-parents, pot bellied, balding, in his 30s Indian male whose face is hard to differentiate from his laptop screen. We are exclusively going to discuss the effects of being called ‘Uncle’ and their remedies.
The first thing every Uncle Above-30s-Man (ATM) has to remember is to be prepared. The word is going to hit you like shrapnel and you will run towards a mirror in a failed bid to ensure yourself that you still look vaguely in your twenties. A time will come when college kids will call you uncle. That will be the time when you will truly lose this battle (unless you are super rich like all our 50 year old Bollywood actors and know a good injection happy doctor), but this is not the time. You still have a few years, and here are a few steps which will help you regain your floundering confidence.
Mow down that Moustache
The first mistake ATMs commit is of growing a moustache to look manly. Now if you are not Anil Kapoor and do not have some sort of a hair malfunction disorder, you really do not need to have that hideous shrub on your face. In college, I was not able to sleep when a friend told me that I looked like an ATM because of my moustache. My dad was of the opinion that razing your moustache to the ground is equivalent to snipping off your dick, so I was left with no choice but to accidently slip the razor on the forbidden area. On my face. Dad came very close to saying – You are not my son anymore, but I discovered the younger, confident me. That was the beginning of a new era – The cute chocolate boy was born. So unless you are not Ritesh Deshmukh, ATMs can drastically reduce their age by 3-4 years by this simple process.
Get those spikes
If your hairstyle resembles Sachin Tendulkar’s new hairdo, then 99.5% of the people around you (including your dog) will already be making fun of you and will be waiting for a chance to pull off what they think is your wig. The rest 0.5% is you and your laptop. Throw that 70s Rajesh Khanna (May his soul RIP) style in the bin. Get those spikes, colour the tips with a really eye-hurting colour, gel them hard like a rhino’s horn and become a Yo man. Get some smart shades (try not to wear them inside malls and while watching movies. That sucks) and see how the 99.5:0.5 ratio changes to 1:99. Well, your dog will still try to pull your hair. He is a dog after all. Attack him with your spikes and he won’t bother you after that.
Revamp that wardrobe
If your wardrobe contains bell bottoms and those polka dot shirts with collars as big as ostrich wings, you really need to come out of the cave. Try round neck T-shirts, collared striped T-shirts, Google, faded jeans, Converse shoes, Google, leather jackets, hand bands, Google and you might be in for a shock of a lifetime. Dear uncle ATM, a wardrobe that changes with changing times has the capacity to astound you and make you feel young at heart. You do not have to wear Govinda colours. Try milder tones with current trends.
Do a simple test. Try to pee and see if you can see your peepee. If you can’t see it, then your belly has turned as massive as Arnab Goswami’s mouth. Try this – suck in a lot of air and expand your chest. Now can you see your peepee? If you still can’t then it’s a miracle that you haven’t already exploded. The only thing which can save you now is loads of sex but don’t try that unless you want to induce multiple fractures on a poor soul. The next best thing you can do is to move your butt and hit a gym. Run on the treadmill as if you are stalked by Rakhi Sawant. Make sure you do not fatally injure someone by hitting them with the flab dangling from your body. The result will be worth it. There is no better sight than seeing your stomach go in and finally re-discovering the source of your pee.
Don’t do that burger
As you turn into an ATM, the worse you could do to yourself is eat junk food dripping with cheese and surrounded by potato wedges. A workout will not work if you are drowning in a pool of burgers and storing soft drinks in your belly as if you are going into hibernation for a year. We do not step on garbage (if we find a clean patch of road which is as rare as Priyanka Chopra not pouting), we do not drink sewer water (well, at least we pretend), then why do we eat ‘junk’ food? Can the name be more obvious? Do you want to look like a huge shapeless pile of molten rubber? And seriously, it’s a bit off-putting to see you open your mouth as if you are going to swallow a bus when you eat that burger. Try Sushi.
Change with time. Do not be a rock no one can move. Such rocks are finally removed by explosives. An ATM ages quickly if he stagnates. The lines on your face will appear more quickly, the hair will fall more rapidly. Every generation comes with its own set of problems. Try thinking like them. For example, try SMSing someone, listening to songs and crossing a road simultaneously and see if you are still not hit by a truck OR go to Yahoo adult chat rooms and pretend to be a girl.
Always remember, all these steps will work for you if you implement them simultaneously. An ATM wearing a tight T-shirt and displaying spiked hair but having a pot-belly will be worse than a regular ATM and so will be an ATM with a moustache and wearing bell bottoms even if he has a flat stomach.
Shedding a few years off you is not difficult. Homo sapiens are the only species capable of doing that. Now you do not want to let go of this wonderful offer of a lifetime, do you? Keep your laziness for another life. God knows, you might be a hippo in your next birth.
Now get up and enjoy your life.