As you hit thirties, you discover that your scariest nightmares are about to come true – Someone, somewhere is (accidently) going to call you ‘Uncle’ and you might die a Virgin. This post will not deal with virginity issues of stay-with-parents, pot bellied, balding, in his 30s Indian male whose face is hard to differentiate from his laptop screen. We are exclusively going to discuss the effects of being called ‘Uncle’ and their remedies.

The first thing every Uncle Above-30s-Man (ATM) has to remember is to be prepared. The word is going to hit you like shrapnel and you will run towards a mirror in a failed bid to ensure yourself that you still look vaguely in your twenties. A time will come when college kids will call you uncle. That will be the time when you will truly lose this battle (unless you are super rich like all our 50 year old Bollywood actors and know a good injection happy doctor), but this is not the time. You still have a few years, and here are a few steps which will help you regain your floundering confidence.

See the difference!

Mow down that Moustache

The first mistake ATMs commit is of growing a moustache to look manly. Now if you are not Anil Kapoor and do not have some sort of a hair malfunction disorder, you really do not need to have that hideous shrub on your face. In college, I was not able to sleep when a friend told me that I looked like an ATM because of my moustache. My dad was of the opinion that razing your moustache to the ground is equivalent to snipping off your dick, so I was left with no choice but to accidently slip the razor on the forbidden area. On my face. Dad came very close to saying – You are not my son anymore, but I discovered the younger, confident me. That was the beginning of a new era – The cute chocolate boy was born.  So unless you are not Ritesh Deshmukh, ATMs can drastically reduce their age by 3-4 years by this simple process.

Get those spikes

If your hairstyle resembles Sachin Tendulkar’s new hairdo, then 99.5% of the people around you (including your dog) will already be making fun of you and will be waiting for a chance to pull off what they think is your wig. The rest 0.5% is you and your laptop. Throw that 70s Rajesh Khanna (May his soul RIP) style in the bin. Get those spikes, colour the tips with a really eye-hurting colour, gel them hard like a rhino’s horn and become a Yo man. Get some smart shades (try not to wear them inside malls and while watching movies. That sucks) and see how the 99.5:0.5 ratio changes to 1:99. Well, your dog will still try to pull your hair. He is a dog after all. Attack him with your spikes and he won’t bother you after that.

Revamp that wardrobe

If your wardrobe contains bell bottoms and those polka dot shirts with collars as big as ostrich wings, you really need to come out of the cave. Try round neck T-shirts, collared striped T-shirts, Google, faded jeans, Converse shoes, Google, leather jackets, hand bands, Google and you might be in for a shock of a lifetime. Dear uncle ATM, a wardrobe that changes with changing times has the capacity to astound you and make you feel young at heart. You do not have to wear Govinda colours. Try milder tones with current trends.

The workout

Do a simple test. Try to pee and see if you can see your peepee. If you can’t see it, then your belly has turned as massive as Arnab Goswami’s mouth. Try this – suck in a lot of air and expand your chest. Now can you see your peepee? If you still can’t then it’s a miracle that you haven’t already exploded. The only thing which can save you now is loads of sex but don’t try that unless you want to induce multiple fractures on a poor soul. The next best thing you can do is to move your butt and hit a gym. Run on the treadmill as if you are stalked by Rakhi Sawant. Make sure you do not fatally injure someone by hitting them with the flab dangling from your body. The result will be worth it. There is no better sight than seeing your stomach go in and finally re-discovering the source of your pee.

Don’t do that burger

As you turn into an ATM, the worse you could do to yourself is eat junk food dripping with cheese and surrounded by potato wedges. A workout will not work if you are drowning in a pool of burgers and storing soft drinks in your belly as if you are going into hibernation for a year. We do not step on garbage (if we find a clean patch of road which is as rare as Priyanka Chopra not pouting), we do not drink sewer water (well, at least we pretend), then why do we eat ‘junk’ food? Can the name be more obvious? Do you want to look like a huge shapeless pile of molten rubber? And seriously, it’s a bit off-putting to see you open your mouth as if you are going to swallow a bus when you eat that burger. Try Sushi.

Think young

Change with time. Do not be a rock no one can move. Such rocks are finally removed by explosives. An ATM ages quickly if he stagnates. The lines on your face will appear more quickly, the hair will fall more rapidly. Every generation comes with its own set of problems. Try thinking like them. For example, try SMSing someone, listening to songs and crossing a road simultaneously and see if you are still not hit by a truck OR go to Yahoo adult chat rooms and pretend to be a girl.

Always remember, all these steps will work for you if you implement them simultaneously. An ATM wearing a tight T-shirt and displaying spiked hair but having a pot-belly will be worse than a regular ATM and so will be an ATM with a moustache and wearing bell bottoms even if he has a flat stomach.

Shedding a few years off you is not difficult. Homo sapiens are the only species capable of doing that. Now you do not want to let go of this wonderful offer of a lifetime, do you? Keep your laziness for another life. God knows, you might be a hippo in your next birth.

Now get up and enjoy your life.

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

38 Comments

  1. Jas July 21, 2012 at 5:23 pm - Reply

    I like the tongue-in-cheek style you write. I am sure ATMs will enjoy this post and will take a tip or two 🙂

    • Amit July 21, 2012 at 7:46 pm - Reply

      Thanks Jas. I am sure they will. Its tried and tested – on me. 🙂

  2. Punam J R July 21, 2012 at 6:05 pm - Reply

    ha ha.. i had fun with this one.. well-penned, Amit. Like your sense of humour and such carefully cloaked satire. 🙂

    • Amit July 21, 2012 at 7:47 pm - Reply

      Thanks Punam. I am glad. 🙂

  3. debajyoti July 21, 2012 at 9:35 pm - Reply

    i have quite a few characteristics that you mentioned here. i am almost 40. i stay with parents. i am losing hair (not visible because i have long hair). i eat junk food all the time and it’s been almost one year that i have entered a gym. i find shaving quite a tedious job.

    and i get really angry when young people don’t call me uncle 😀

    • Amit July 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm - Reply

      I think you are the only Uncle who likes being called Uncle. 🙂 See, even I called you uncle even though I am an uncle myself. It’s just that I have used the steps to hide my age.

  4. Nisha July 21, 2012 at 10:45 pm - Reply

    Some kids hesitate to call me Aunty just because I don’t have a baby in my arms. Even their moms ask them not to! Don’t have babies – that might keep you young 😀
    And yeah, chocolate boys are too cute to be called Uncle!

    • Priya Sreeram (@priyasreeram) July 22, 2012 at 11:53 am - Reply

      gee have to agree with you on that Nisha – I was branded an aunty the moment a baby was in my arms- well that was good 9 years ago

    • Amit July 22, 2012 at 3:08 pm - Reply

      Yeah, babies ultimately throw you in that category, don’t they? I don’t have one yet, so all these remedies work for me. Don’t have babies? Now that is too big a price to remain young. 🙂
      Yes, I am. I am, believe me. 😀

  5. Dr Roshan Radhakrishnan July 22, 2012 at 1:08 am - Reply

    Thanks 🙂 This is really relevant to me… have been shocked by being called Uncle by women in the queue for movie tickets.. really a downer !!

    • Amit July 22, 2012 at 3:10 pm - Reply

      Ok, that is a bit strange. I would have called them aunty in return. 🙂 I don’t think you are THAT old.
      Try these tips. They work. I have tried them on me.

  6. Priya Sreeram (@priyasreeram) July 22, 2012 at 11:50 am - Reply

    hillarious !

  7. Ash July 22, 2012 at 4:06 pm - Reply

    LOL 😀 good one!

  8. KayEm July 22, 2012 at 4:45 pm - Reply

    I really was startled when I was first called aunty but let’s face it – if my kids and nephews and nieces have started getting engaged, married and having babies, time hasn’t stood still for moi! I remember I really enjoyed an aunt of mine who started sentences with, “us over-eighties…” She always made us laugh.

    • Amit July 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm - Reply

      The moment you have a kid in your hand, you are an Uncle/Aunty but this post is for the period before that. Above thirty and kidless.
      Yeah, a lot of aunties do that, don’t they? My grandma used to do that too.

  9. Wanderer July 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm - Reply

    Ah! A very nice topic eh? I became an aunty for most of the kids when I got married and I don’t even have a kid. College going daughter of my landlord also calls me aunty making me go WTF! I don’t have pot belly, I’m thin, I dont look married (many have told me) So don’t get married is the next suggestion?

    • Amit July 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm - Reply

      Haha! You should correct her then. Tell her to call you aunty after you have kids. 🙂
      Thankfully, I haven’t been called uncle a lot many times after that incident in the college.

      • Wanderer July 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm

        I don’t correct her lest she thinks I’m trying too hard to fit in. And it is ONLY HER who calls me aunty :-/ ofcourse besides the actual kids.

      • Amit July 23, 2012 at 2:02 pm

        Call her ‘Bitiya Rani’. I think that will help. 🙂

      • Wanderer July 23, 2012 at 2:03 pm

        Haha yea I can probably address her ‘her kiddo’

  10. R's Mom July 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm - Reply

    Errr…whats with your theme? its very …well…very different 🙂

    oh so if we ever meet, I must tell R to call you ‘bhaiya’ and Geet as ‘didi’ okie? :):)

    I am totally in love with the way you write

    • Amit July 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm - Reply

      It is a norml WP theme. I just changed the header and the background image. 🙂
      No, we can call each other by our names. 😀 I like it when children talk to me as equal although no one allows that to happen in my family.
      Thank you. Thank you. *grins happily*

  11. pixie July 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm - Reply

    LOL!!
    Oh boy!! i could think of so many many ATMs who fit your categories!! 😀
    I’m sharing this post with a few ATMs who will enjoy the laugh!! 😉
    And you know what – I have a dear frn who has a mush exactly like the one in the pic and he looks quite handsome! 😀
    (Not an Indian guy! He’s Irish! 😉 )

    • Amit July 23, 2012 at 2:02 pm - Reply

      Thanks Pixie. It seems you are surrounded by ATMs.
      Of course you can look handsome with a mush but its kinda old sort of handsome. It is all right after a certain age I guess. 🙂

  12. Visha July 23, 2012 at 9:07 pm - Reply

    Wow Amit!

    Personal experiences are speaking eh 😀

    I need to forward this to some ATMs I know, this should be good for the other side too, right? the about_to_be-30-man 😉

    P.s You must have heard Bharti’s rib tickling dialogues sometime. Just imagine this post(read:script) in her hands. Killer combination 😆

    • Amit July 24, 2012 at 1:32 pm - Reply

      Thanks Visha.
      Yes, please forward it to all the ATMs you know. 🙂

      Now giving it to Bharti is something I have never thought of. Let me call her and ask. 😀

  13. metherebel July 24, 2012 at 2:27 pm - Reply

    Hilarious! I love your sense of humor! I shall forward it to a few ATMs 🙂

    • Amit July 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm - Reply

      Thanks metherebel. 🙂

  14. Pepper July 24, 2012 at 9:42 pm - Reply

    ATM, hah, now that’s a new spin to the term.
    Totally agree with your first point. Mow down that Moustache!

  15. Indian Homemaker July 26, 2012 at 9:38 am - Reply

    Loved it!! And for that point about junk food, I am sharing it with my son 🙂

  16. Bhavia August 7, 2012 at 5:13 pm - Reply

    LOL!!

  17. Prax August 30, 2012 at 2:53 pm - Reply

    very useful and …..AWESOME!

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