one one legWe all know that India is going to overtake China in population in roughly the next 35 years. The country is already packed to the rafters and our nation might develop a gigantic crack any day from Kashmir to Kanyakumari and do a Sita on us. I completely acknowledge the commendable job our country is doing in reducing the population which includes hunger, accidents, suicides, murders, foeticides, price rise, riots, Rahul Gandhi and so on and so forth but clearly the measures will never be enough unless we move all the people below poverty line to the moon and cut off the oxygen supply.

But there is another way and hence Mashed Musings have come up with an incredible idea to dissuade couples from having babies and nipping the problem at the root. A lot of couples in our nation are anyways not worthy of becoming parents because they are so incredibly messed up and would have been immediately quarantined in another country. So, here is a list of dangerous syndromes commonly found in couples. Refrain from having a child if you have any of these and help to create a better India by ending your family tree.

The Loud Mouth Syndrome – If the frequency of your voice is very close to that of a bat but still in audible range, if you talk on a mobile as if radio waves are not yet discovered, If people pretend to be a wall-hanging the moment you enter a room, if someone faints in your presence because you have been yakking since the last 5 hours, if empty popcorn boxes fly towards you when you attend a call in a cinema hall, then you should not have a child. The child might end up as loud mouthed as you are or start pretending that he is dumb and deaf from the age of 5, similar to Mamta Banerjee, Rakhi Sawant and Manmohan Singh.

The No Rules Syndrome – Now there are times when you are the king of the roads honking to glory, there are times when you are spitting red liquid like Mount Etna, there are times when you cannot see the harsh red traffic light, there are times when you zigzag your car through traffic like a hungry anaconda. If you are a person who suffers from this syndrome, then you should not have a child because he might end up as irresponsible and worthless as you are.

The Leone Syndrome – If you are addicted to porn, you are making the biggest mistake of your life by making a baby for obvious reasons. Your child will become a liability and you have to discover Sunny Leone on mute.

bad_parentingThe Long Nose Control Freak Syndrome – Your life revolves around what other people are doing. You use the gossips to forward your interests or to add some masala to your bland existence. You might go into combative mode just like the Indian Media as soon as the gossip is turned on you. A side effect is that you might have an immensely irritating laughter or a Dracula smile. You should not have a baby because she will shun you violently, commit suicide or end up like you.

The Special Job Syndrome – If you are a painter and usually do not remember when or where was the last time you emptied your bowels or had food, if you like to travel to places like Tanzania to eat a special delicacy of earthworms, if you are a page 3 celebrity who salivates on seeing young models (male/female no bar), if you are a TV actor who works/sleeps/bathe buried under 10 kilo of fake jewellery, if you are a news reporter who specializes in dancing with soldiers in war zones, then try not to have kids. They will anyways never know you.

The Take Care Of My Child Syndrome – You might be dreaming about how other people will take care of your child once you are done with providing the world with your labour of love. If you are about to burden people with your child on weddings, travelling, watching movies, shopping or elections, it will be better not to bring the gift in the world. We know that you derive sadistic pleasure from it but your child might refuse to recognise you as he grows up and might have disorders because of people shunning him all the time. He might end up like Tushar Kapoor.  

The Toy SyndromeIf you are going to handle your future child in any of the following ways, then you should not have the kid – Moving the baby from one room to another by holding him upside down with one leg, throwing the baby 10 feet up to pacify her, slapping/pinching the baby to make him stop crying, putting a strap in his neck and drag him while you shop, forgetting the baby in the car, allowing the dog to lick your baby clean instead of giving her a bath etc.

the prefect familyThe My Child is Cool Syndrome – If you might be the kind of parent who thinks that his child will be the most special angel that will grace the Earth and everyone around you have to bow to your and your kid’s flights of inflated egotism, then better not bring the angel in the world. If you think it will be ok for your child to create ruckus by howling at public places, pull hair of aunties in cinema halls, break lines, create special Vadra queues, throw tantrums and your Vijay Mallya money while you wipe a proud tear off your puffed-with-pride face, then try not to grace the world with his existence.

The Bhatt Syndrome – If the habits of farting, belching, peeing in public and scratching your private parts in public is like a gold necklace passed through generations in your family, it will be probably a good idea to deprive yourself of a kid. He will anyways end up an animal just like you or die of poisonous gases and infections.

The Sexist Syndrome – This is the most dangerous syndrome of all. If you are a true blue sexist, then it will be a good idea to use that condom with Fevicol. You MUST NOT have a child. Your daughter will either run away, kill herself, get killed by you or end up as a vegetative cow. Your son might end up a molester, a rapist or a wife abuser. You are a hazardous factory that should be immediately locked.

If all the couples of this country who are suffering from any of these syndromes give up their plans to bring a baby in this world, the day will not be far away when India will have a population less than Lakshadweep.

p.s. We know Mahesh Bhatt does not fart, belch and pee on walls. The syndrome was named after him to honour the self-inflicted (please note) marks on his sexy body.

Mahesh-Bhatt

I can’t *scratch scratch* lift both hands but thanks for *scratch* naming the *scratch* syndrome after me. *scratch damn! scratch*

About the Author:

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

62 Comments

  1. Akanksha Dureja January 20, 2013 at 11:27 pm - Reply

    I hope all the couples who’re planning a baby visit you and read this post before they take that deadly step forward. This is like a check your eligibility for the itch to reproduce. 😉

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 9:41 am - Reply

      I hope so too. This post has been written in public interest. 🙂

  2. My Era January 20, 2013 at 11:27 pm - Reply

    I have to agree with you for I have actually come across all these categories of people doing harm to the kids and society as a whole. The show stopper of your post were the mind-blowing examples of each syndrome 🙂

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 9:42 am - Reply

      Thanks My Era. 🙂
      Yes, we do come across such parents everywhere and then wonder where is the fault of the child in all this?

  3. Swaram January 20, 2013 at 11:32 pm - Reply

    Phew! I think we are eligible to go ahead and have one then 😛

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 9:43 am - Reply

      Congratulations. You will be a part of our Lakshwadeep-ish population if we ever come to that. 😛

  4. Roshni January 21, 2013 at 12:00 am - Reply

    unfortunately, they still do! Too bad we can’t pass a law or something!

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 9:43 am - Reply

      If we pass a law, we will deprive the couples of a much needed entertainment. 🙂

  5. Nisha January 21, 2013 at 12:31 am - Reply

    I’ll hide behind the ‘Take care of my baby’ syndrome and refrain from having kids!!
    My husband might be suffering from The Toy one. So, for a better world, we shall sacrifice.
    What about you????

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 9:44 am - Reply

      Hahaha! Now that is an honest one. I think I do not suffer from any of the syndromes. At least that is what I think. 😀

  6. debajyoti January 21, 2013 at 12:34 am - Reply

    hahaha, awesome read!! loved the second last photograph. i used to do that when i was a kid :D. i viciously attacked a doctor once when he pulled my ear.

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 9:46 am - Reply

      Thanks Debs! 🙂 I was a scared little puppy of a kid. The only thing that kept me alive was that I was academically all right. 🙂

  7. wanderlustathome January 21, 2013 at 6:21 am - Reply

    The Bhatt syndrome? lol!

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 9:47 am - Reply

      *gasps* You are making fun of Bhatt Saheb?? Do you know that he does not hit people when he is angry. He scratches them.

  8. Jas January 21, 2013 at 10:17 am - Reply

    hahaha 😀 wish I had read this earlier 😉

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 11:21 am - Reply

      You are so honest Jas! 😛

  9. Rachna Parmar January 21, 2013 at 11:19 am - Reply

    Looks like you have covered all Indians :). On a serious note, having a child is not everyone’s cup of tea. They don’t come with a return warranty :). And it is a bloody tough, 24X7 job.

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 11:23 am - Reply

      I am sure there are many of us who are free of any of the syndromes. 🙂
      I know. I have seen some people get really frustrated and some grow completely indifferent. Both the situations are scary.

  10. Visha January 21, 2013 at 11:21 am - Reply

    😆

    What a post! 😀

    Glad to believe that I may be one of Lakshwadeepan’s chotu community 😉

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 11:24 am - Reply

      Thanks Visha. 🙂
      I am sure all my blogging friends will be there. 😀

  11. indu chhibber January 21, 2013 at 11:40 am - Reply

    Amit you always infuse happiness through your posts-….carry on….

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 1:52 pm - Reply

      Thanks Indu. 🙂 I love my country and I will do anything to see my countrymen happy. This post was a humble effort.

  12. Deeps January 21, 2013 at 12:48 pm - Reply

    The Bhatt syndrome! 😆 😆

    You and only you could come up with a post like this, Amit!

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 1:52 pm - Reply

      Thanks Deeps. Bhatt Saab was pleased too. He scratched my back for 5 minutes in gratitude. 🙂

  13. eyesspeak January 21, 2013 at 1:44 pm - Reply

    Hahahaha..:D
    What a post.. Covers more than half of Indians and I guess 90% of Punjabis, afterall ;saade baches best ne, always correct’ (our kids are best, always correct)…Glad that I will be among the other 10% to be a part of Lakshwadeep population…That’s what I think now…;) 😀

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 1:54 pm - Reply

      Half of Indians?!? I think it covers 95% of Indians irrespective of their culture.
      I think a lot of people who read this blog will be on Lakshwadeep. Its a good sign. 🙂

  14. Rahul January 21, 2013 at 1:55 pm - Reply

    Notwithstanding any of the syndromes you quoted, high time even lesser mortals seriously considered that one in seventh child in world ratio changes to one in seventy to make the country liveable!

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 2:20 pm - Reply

      Now you have confused all of us! As if we already aren’t. But I completely agree with you.

  15. Ashwathy January 21, 2013 at 4:46 pm - Reply

    Whatever I was coming to type got forgotten by the time I reached the Mahesh Bhatt part! :mrgreen: HAHAHAHA!!

    And guess what? Unfortunately all of these types of people DO have kids 🙁 That’s the problem!! 😛

    • Amit January 21, 2013 at 5:00 pm - Reply

      Well, that sexy man has the charisma. 😛
      Of course they do! Hence this bid to save our country. 🙂

  16. The Girl Next Door January 21, 2013 at 5:49 pm - Reply

    LOL. This was super awesome!

    You have tried to stop 90% of India’s population from having kids 😛 If this post is used as a model, India will soon have a population less than Lakshadweep for sure. 🙂

    Didn’t the Bhatt syndrome part. Care to explain?

    • Amit January 22, 2013 at 9:43 am - Reply

      Thanks TGND. 🙂
      Now won’t that be great? We will be having one Metro coach, one bus, one road for each one of us? 🙂
      Bhatt Syndrome derives its name from Mahesh BHatt who has a constant habit of scratching himself when he is on TV. Go to youTube and search ‘Mahesh Bhatt scratching’.

  17. Tushar Agarwal January 21, 2013 at 10:20 pm - Reply

    The Bhatt Syndrome…the funniest of all..
    Great job..a wonderful work of creativity

    • Amit January 22, 2013 at 9:46 am - Reply

      Thanks Tushar. 🙂

  18. purbaray January 22, 2013 at 4:29 am - Reply

    If we can have entrance exams for IITs and IIMs, why not parenthood? Not everyone is cut out for it, so why not spare the child the agony!

    • Amit January 22, 2013 at 9:47 am - Reply

      If we have such entrance exams, the officers will be bribed for passing marks. Its not going to work. 🙁

  19. aarti January 22, 2013 at 8:55 am - Reply

    The problem is that we and our parents were raised in joint families, so frustration was minimieed by constant help at hand,24×7.but now in nuclear families,parents are clueless which leaves the children to fend for themselves. Not entirely anyone’s fault.everyone is fighting a tough battle called Life and nobody gets to win . Btw,funny post. Have a nice day.

    • Amit January 22, 2013 at 9:50 am - Reply

      Well, that is no excuse to have a ‘chalta hai’ attitude to raise a kid, now is it? If the couple is clueless, then don’t have the baby.
      But the post was not about that. It was about messed up individuals raising the next generation.
      Thanks for liking the post, Aarti. 🙂

  20. Sonal January 22, 2013 at 12:06 pm - Reply

    heheheh 🙂 What an idea Sir jee!

    • Amit January 22, 2013 at 1:54 pm - Reply

      Thanks Sonal. 🙂

  21. metherebel January 22, 2013 at 12:30 pm - Reply

    There are people belonging to this category who have children which actually is a reason to worry.

    But it was a funny post!

    • Amit January 22, 2013 at 1:55 pm - Reply

      Yes. And that’s why the guidelines have been formulated. I am worried by the situation.

  22. alkagurha January 22, 2013 at 12:44 pm - Reply

    Condom with a fevicol….gosh. Wonder what Kareena has to say to this.LOL.

    • Amit January 22, 2013 at 1:57 pm - Reply

      I think this will be one item number no one will do. For a change. 🙂

  23. Destiny's child January 22, 2013 at 2:45 pm - Reply

    “Spitting red liquid like Mount Etna” Hilarious!
    Great pointers, Amit. I would like to add one more: The Squabbling couple who think having a baby will solve all their problems and bring marital bliss. Seriously, they will have only one more reason to fight about.

    Enjoyed the post. 🙂

    • Amit January 22, 2013 at 3:39 pm - Reply

      Thanks Destiny’s child. Yes, we can definitely add the ‘The Baby will bring Cupid again Syndrome’ to the list. 🙂

  24. pixie January 23, 2013 at 10:04 am - Reply

    you can be quite scary, you know that na?!! A kid like Tushar kapoor?!!! *sudder*

    • Amit January 23, 2013 at 1:50 pm - Reply

      Haha! Yeah, that will be a nightmare. 🙂

  25. Archie January 23, 2013 at 5:02 pm - Reply

    believe it or not I know a cross between The long nose syndrome, sexist syndrome and Leone Syndrome… hang on I gotto go put my hand through a wall

    • Amit January 24, 2013 at 9:42 am - Reply

      OMG! And imagine the plight of the child born in that house. God can be cruel to little babies at times. 🙁

  26. Bhavia January 23, 2013 at 5:26 pm - Reply

    Ayyo…you spoiled my baby making plans x-(

    • Amit January 24, 2013 at 9:43 am - Reply

      What? Now to which category do you belong?

  27. umashankar January 23, 2013 at 6:51 pm - Reply

    You have just about covered everything, not that your sermon is going to have any impact on the target. On the contrary, those are the ones who appear to be multiplying like mushrooms!

    • Amit January 24, 2013 at 9:46 am - Reply

      I know! The target is not even going to read it or choose to ignore it even if they do.
      I have a feeling that our race is moving towards a lower-IQ generation. Something like this – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiocracy

  28. Rahul Aggarwal January 24, 2013 at 10:43 am - Reply

    bhatt syndrome .. lol

    this post is awesome Amit ..

    • Amit January 25, 2013 at 6:27 am - Reply

      Thanks Rahul. 🙂

  29. R's Mom January 28, 2013 at 10:35 am - Reply

    LOL, man, you can be really funny..I hope you and Geet dont suffer from any of this, because the world will otherwise be deprived of a kid who will definitely inherit his dad’s excellent sense of humour 🙂

    • Amit January 28, 2013 at 5:03 pm - Reply

      Thanks R’s mom. We will know for sure once we have a baby. 🙂
      I am more worried about the child inheriting our sense of shopping. 😛

  30. ashreyamom January 28, 2013 at 3:49 pm - Reply

    lol.. thank god i dont have any of these syndromes.. :)..

    u should also include the category of ppl who says, “its unplanned”, or hit the baby as they are angry with somebody else.

    • Amit January 28, 2013 at 5:06 pm - Reply

      Wow! That is really superhuman. I am proud of you! 🙂
      Yes, Yes, there are so many new categories that we can add.

  31. Latha January 29, 2013 at 6:35 am - Reply

    ROFL…I want to send this to all my friends who don’t have babies yet and abhor them…they’ll see which category they’ll fit in and give up on having babies…Good one Amt. Trust me, it’s one hell of a job. Now, you need to make a category for people who think like me 😛

    • Amit January 29, 2013 at 9:01 pm - Reply

      Please do. This will be a national service. 🙂
      If you do not belong to any of these categories, then you are fine. 🙂

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